March: An Exceptionally Bad Start
March 4, 2011
Day 1 of going “live”. No. of visitors to blog: 0 – Not bad. Hours spent writing yesterday: 13. Chronic illnesses developed as result of blogging: Carpal Tunnel syndrome (after 13 hour writing binge). Mentioned this to husband who very unhelpfully suggested it was not Carpal Tunnel but the onset of arthritis due to age. No. of days children have gone unnoticed since I started blogging about what a devoted mom I am: 3, possibly 4. Hoping they turn up soon.
My blog is officially live. Now I can finally shower and talk to my kids, if I can find them.
Now what? Where are all the moms? Is anybody up here?
(Noon) Have just spent 2 hours surfing Net to see who’s who in the mom-o-sphere (is that even a word?). It’s eerily like high school. There is this person called Dooce. She gets a squillion blog visits per day. She is the incarnation of the popular girl in high school: swan-like, fashionable, cool. I wanted to be friends w. her but I wore Birkenstocks so it was impossible. Dooce is clearly a dog person b/c she photographs her dog in cute hats and poses. Am worried that I am not a dog person b/c I treat Pippi like a dog. I think there is something politically incorrect about me.
Mom-o-sphere apparently crowded w. infinite, ever-multiplying no. of dog-friendly mommy bloggers who tweet one another, and this Dooce person is their leader. Cue horrid high school flashbacks. Note to self: Call therapist.
March 5, 2011
I’ve been blogging for a whole hour and am already overwhelmed at how to get the moms to notice me. May have to pretend to be dog person to attract the PETA moms. I will not join Twitter and pimp my blog. My friend Lewis told me that every time someone tweets, they poke another black hole in the Universe.
(later) My blogger friend S. advised me to “comment meaningfully on 10 other mommy blogs per day” to network with other moms/build a mom-audience. This means I’ve got to try and lure people to my blog, but seem nice, which is underhanded, which means that I will be pimping my blog. Must buy pimp hat. And, apparently, I have to read what other moms have to say. Where will I find time to read the mom-blogs if I’m busy tweeting, surfing, and sucking up to Dooce?
S. also told me to join Twitter and start tweeting. Shit.
I might have to start tweeting but I will not follow the mom herd and worship at the altar of Dooce, oh no I will not.
To Do List:
- Join Twitter (i.e., become One of Them).
- Finish post about the Jesus-Freak moms who put me on The List.
- Buy Pippi a polka-dotted doggie poncho.
- Interact with your children. (You are supposed to be parenting.)
- Call therapist.
March 6, 2011
No. posts written: 0 (too busy tweeting). No. of Twitter followers: 0. No. of blog visitors: 59. No. of times watched YouTube clips of Dooce on the Today Show: 3.
I sent my first Tweet out today: ‘Is anybody out there?’
I’ve got zero followers so sending a tweet was the equivalent of farting into the Grand Canyon and expecting the world to hear it. Who in their right mind would want to follow me? (BTW, if you are reading this please follow me on Twitter: AdoTheMomalog). I’ve been in my pajamas for 4 days now, blogging, obsessively tracking my site stats, and stalking Dooce. Also, am starting to smell. I wouldn’t even follow me.
(2 pm) OMG, I have 3 followers (two of them seem to tweet about sex toys – they were probably attracted by my Gravatar photo, which is not exactly current). Am not going to delete pathetic sex toy followers until I have as many followers as Charlie Sheen (goal = 2 million). If I was not so busy keeping up w. Dooce I’d really be worried about how easy it is in America for cult leaders and Moonies to get followers, because if I can get 3 followers on Twitter something is definitely wrong in America.
To Do List:
- Update Gravatar picture to one from this century.
- ‘OMG’ is for tweens. Do not write ‘OMG’, ever.
- Take cute photo of Pippi in polka dotted poncho/put all over blog.
- Tell Facebook peeps not to out my blog on FB so relatives don’t find blog.
- Stop using the word ‘peeps.’
- Comment meaningfully on 10 Mommy Blogs.
March 7, 2011
No. of Mommy Blogs commented on: 3. Hours spent obsessively re-editing post about revised birth plan: 6. No. Twitter followers: 6 (3 moms, 3 sex toy vendors). No. blog visitors: 182! (Watch your back, Dooce!) Income earned so far from Adsense: $1.62. Who I am following on Twitter: Mad Momma, Her Bad Mother, Dooce, and Charlie Sheen.
Today after I published my post about Born-Again moms, I left a meaningful comment on Bali Mom’s blog – she had nice photos of her kids romping in Bali, so I said they were very nice, which I meant. I didn’t have time to read her posts since I had to dash off to blog-hop and leave meaningful comments on 9 other blogs. Mommy-blogging is a real time-suck.
I’m overwhelmed trying to keep up w. all the mom tweets swooping around on Twitter. It’s like I have electrodes in my brain and can read all the mommy brains at once, which proves my theory that Twitter is God. I sure wouldn’t want to be God.
(11 pm) Hallelujah! Bali Mom visited my blog! And left a comment! Insert foot in blog-mouth! I am an ass! It turns out that she is 1.) a Born Again Christian, and 2.) a Home Birther!
I could not have chosen a more strategic person on the Internet to insult if I had hired the CIA to find her. Just to be clear: I VISITED THE BLOG OF A BORN-AGAIN CRUNCHY GRANOLA HOME BIRTHER AND ASKED HER TO CHECK OUT MY BLOG, AND MY FIRST TWO POSTS ARE ABOUT JESUS-FREAK MOMS, AND HOW TO GET AS MANY DRUGS AS POSSIBLE TO SPEED UP YOUR UNNATURAL HOSPITAL BIRTH.
I think I’ll just fling my virtual self into the oncoming traffic of the Information Super Highway and get run over by the stampede of mom-bloggers on their way to see Dooce.
March 9, 2011
No. of days as Mommy blogger 6. No. hours spent ignoring children: 42. No. hours spent wondering if I should’ve had a natural home birth like Bali Mom: 3. No. times I’ve checked Site Stats: 64,000. Total income from Adsense: $8.42 No. times visited Dooce’s blog: unknown. No. Twitter followers I have: 6. No. Twitter followers Charlie Sheen has: 2 million. My last Tweet: ‘Twitter is to Facebook what crack cocaine is to a cup of coffee.’ Charlie’s Last Tweet: ‘We did in fact, build a perfect torpedo.’ Mine is funnier.
This morning D. tried to pry me off my laptop to make breakfast for girls before school. I wouldn’t let go and mumbled, “Shh! Twitter is God!” before he finally confiscated it. Poor Fi had to wear her black pants to school 3 days in a row because I haven’t done laundry. And she complained because I got them Starbucks lunches b/c am too busy blogging about parenting to go the grocery store. This is worrisome. Am becoming increasingly negligent mom since blogging started, must keep an eye on this. (Note to self: Maternal negligence might be a good blog topic.).
But more importantly, I cannot find my laptop. I think they’ve hidden it.
To Do List:
- FIND LAPTOP!!!!
- Stop tweeting about crack cocaine or you will attract Charlie’s porn followers.
- Sign up to follow Dooce on Twitter.
- Post another photo of Pippi to attract more PETA moms.
- You. Really. Need. To. Shower.
- Tell D. he needs to go to Safeway on way home or we will all starve to death.
March 11, 2011
No. visitors to my blog: 389! Eat me! No. minutes spent tearing house apart searching for laptop: 40. No. black holes I have poked in Universe: 4. My last tweet: ‘Here’s an idea – Survivor: Exile Island starring Charlie Sheen, Moammar Ghadafi, Lindsay Lohan & John Galliano.” Charlie’s last tweet:’My violent torpedo of Truth/Defeat is not an OPTION show.’ (How come he has 2 million followers and I don’t? I am wittier.)
There is a chance that I may actually be sucked up by the Information Super Highway through a Twitter porthole into the mom-o-sphere; I will evaporate, and never be seen again. Kids probably won’t even notice I’m gone – as long as I leave my laptop behind, they’ll feel close to me, because they already think I’ve been sucked up into it, and they’ve bonded with it.
Note: Soon I will need a bloggervention (n., “an intervention for mommy bloggers involving 28 days out in nature with their family, no electronics, no phones, no f-ing Super Highway, and just real birds. It’s a safe place for recovering mommy-bloggers where you are forbidden to say, “That would be a good blog post,” and “I should tweet that.”).
Maybe I should switch from blogging to establishing a rehab for blogger moms, because there sure is a market for it.
To Be Continued…