March

10

2011

A Bridget Jones-Style Diary Of A Mommy Blogger – Part 1

Filed under: Blogging, Family, Humor

March: An Exceptionally Bad Start

March 4, 2011

Day 1 of going “live”. No. of visitors to blog: 0 – Not bad. Hours spent writing yesterday: 13. Chronic illnesses developed as result of blogging: Carpal Tunnel syndrome (after 13 hour writing binge). Mentioned this to husband who very unhelpfully suggested it was not Carpal Tunnel but the onset of arthritis due to age. No. of days children have gone unnoticed since I started blogging about what a devoted mom I am: 3, possibly 4. Hoping they turn up soon.

My blog is officially live. Now I can finally shower and talk to my kids, if I can find them.

Now what? Where are all the moms? Is anybody up here?

(Noon) Have just spent 2 hours surfing Net to see who’s who in the mom-o-sphere (is that even a word?). It’s eerily like high school. There is this person called Dooce. She gets a squillion blog visits per day. She is the incarnation of the popular girl in high school: swan-like, fashionable, cool. I wanted to be friends w. her but I wore Birkenstocks so it was impossible. Dooce is clearly a dog person b/c she photographs her dog in cute hats and poses. Am worried that I am not a dog person b/c I treat Pippi like a dog. I think there is something politically incorrect about me.

Mom-o-sphere apparently crowded w. infinite, ever-multiplying no. of dog-friendly mommy bloggers who tweet one another, and this Dooce person is their leader. Cue horrid high school flashbacks. Note to self: Call therapist.

March 5, 2011

I’ve been blogging for a whole hour and am already overwhelmed at how to get the moms to notice me. May have to pretend to be dog person to attract the PETA moms. I will not join Twitter and pimp my blog. My friend Lewis told me that every time someone tweets, they poke another black hole in the Universe.

(later) My blogger friend S. advised me to comment meaningfully on 10 other mommy blogs per day” to network with other moms/build a mom-audience. This means I’ve got to try and lure people to my blog, but seem nice, which is underhanded, which means that I will be pimping my blog. Must buy pimp hat. And, apparently, I have to read what other moms have to say. Where will I find time to read the mom-blogs if I’m busy tweeting, surfing, and sucking up to Dooce?

S. also told me to join Twitter and start tweeting. Shit.

I might have to start tweeting but I will not follow the mom herd and worship at the altar of Dooce, oh no I will not.

To Do List:

  • Join Twitter (i.e., become One of Them).
  • Finish post about the Jesus-Freak moms who put me on The List.
  • Buy Pippi a polka-dotted doggie poncho.
  • Interact with your children. (You are supposed to be parenting.)
  • Call therapist.

March 6, 2011

No. posts written: 0 (too busy tweeting). No. of Twitter followers: 0. No. of blog visitors: 59. No. of times watched YouTube clips of Dooce on the Today Show: 3.

 

I sent my first Tweet out today: ‘Is anybody out there?’

I’ve got zero followers so sending a tweet was the equivalent of farting into the Grand Canyon and expecting the world to hear it. Who in their right mind would want to follow me? (BTW, if you are reading this please follow me on Twitter: AdoTheMomalog). I’ve been in my pajamas for 4 days now, blogging, obsessively tracking my site stats, and stalking Dooce. Also, am starting to smell. I wouldn’t even follow me.

(2 pm) OMG, I have 3 followers (two of them seem to tweet about sex toys – they were probably attracted by my Gravatar photo, which is not exactly current). Am not going to delete pathetic sex toy followers until I have as many followers as Charlie Sheen (goal = 2 million). If I was not so busy keeping up w. Dooce I’d really be worried about how easy it is in America for cult leaders and Moonies to get followers, because if I can get 3 followers on Twitter something is definitely wrong in America.

To Do List:

  • Update Gravatar picture to one from this century.
  • ‘OMG’ is for tweens. Do not write ‘OMG’, ever.
  • Take cute photo of Pippi in polka dotted poncho/put all over blog.
  • Tell Facebook peeps not to out my blog on FB so relatives don’t find blog.
  • Stop using the word ‘peeps.’
  • Comment meaningfully on 10 Mommy Blogs.

 

March 7, 2011

No. of Mommy Blogs commented on: 3. Hours spent obsessively re-editing post about revised birth plan: 6. No. Twitter followers: 6 (3 moms, 3 sex toy vendors). No. blog visitors: 182! (Watch your back, Dooce!) Income earned so far from Adsense: $1.62. Who I am following on Twitter: Mad Momma, Her Bad Mother, Dooce, and Charlie Sheen.

Today after I published my post about Born-Again moms, I left a meaningful comment on Bali Mom’s blog – she had nice photos of her kids romping in Bali, so I said they were very nice, which I meant. I didn’t have time to read her posts since I had to dash off to blog-hop and leave meaningful comments on 9 other blogs. Mommy-blogging is a real time-suck.

I’m overwhelmed trying to keep up w. all the mom tweets swooping around on Twitter. It’s like I have electrodes in my brain and can read all the mommy brains at once, which proves my theory that Twitter is God. I sure wouldn’t want to be God.

(11 pm) Hallelujah! Bali Mom visited my blog! And left a comment! Insert foot in blog-mouth! I am an ass! It turns out that she is 1.) a Born Again Christian, and 2.) a Home Birther!

I could not have chosen a more strategic person on the Internet to insult if I had hired the CIA to find her. Just to be clear: I VISITED THE BLOG OF A BORN-AGAIN CRUNCHY GRANOLA HOME BIRTHER AND ASKED HER TO CHECK OUT MY BLOG, AND MY FIRST TWO POSTS ARE ABOUT JESUS-FREAK MOMS, AND HOW TO GET AS MANY DRUGS AS POSSIBLE TO SPEED UP YOUR UNNATURAL HOSPITAL BIRTH.

I think I’ll just fling my virtual self into the oncoming traffic of the Information Super Highway and get run over by the stampede of mom-bloggers on their way to see Dooce.

March 9, 2011

No. of days as Mommy blogger 6. No. hours spent ignoring children: 42. No. hours spent wondering if I should’ve had a natural home birth like Bali Mom: 3. No. times I’ve checked Site Stats: 64,000. Total income from Adsense: $8.42 No. times visited Dooce’s blog: unknown. No. Twitter followers I have: 6. No. Twitter followers Charlie Sheen has: 2 million. My last Tweet: ‘Twitter is to Facebook what crack cocaine is to a cup of coffee.’ Charlie’s Last Tweet: ‘We did in fact, build a perfect torpedo.’ Mine is funnier.

 

This morning D. tried to pry me off my laptop to make breakfast for girls before school. I wouldn’t let go and mumbled, “Shh! Twitter is God!” before he finally confiscated it. Poor Fi had to wear her black pants to school 3 days in a row because I haven’t done laundry. And she complained because I got them Starbucks lunches b/c am too busy blogging about parenting to go the grocery store. This is worrisome. Am becoming increasingly negligent mom since blogging started, must keep an eye on this. (Note to self: Maternal negligence might be a good blog topic.).

But more importantly, I cannot find my laptop. I think they’ve hidden it.

To Do List:

  • FIND LAPTOP!!!!
  • Stop tweeting about crack cocaine or you will attract Charlie’s porn followers.
  • Sign up to follow Dooce on Twitter.
  • Post another photo of Pippi to attract more PETA moms.
  • You. Really. Need. To. Shower.
  • Tell D. he needs to go to Safeway on way home or we will all starve to death.

March 11, 2011

No. visitors to my blog: 389! Eat me! No. minutes spent tearing house apart searching for laptop: 40. No. black holes I have poked in Universe: 4. My last tweet: ‘Here’s an idea – Survivor: Exile Island starring Charlie Sheen, Moammar Ghadafi, Lindsay Lohan & John Galliano.” Charlie’s last tweet:’My violent torpedo of Truth/Defeat is not an OPTION show.’ (How come he has 2 million followers and I don’t? I am wittier.)

There is a chance that I may actually be sucked up by the Information Super Highway through a Twitter porthole into the mom-o-sphere; I will evaporate, and never be seen again. Kids probably won’t even notice I’m gone – as long as I leave my laptop behind, they’ll feel close to me, because they already think I’ve been sucked up into it, and they’ve bonded with it.

Note: Soon I will need a bloggervention (n., “an intervention for mommy bloggers involving 28 days out in nature with their family, no electronics, no phones, no f-ing Super Highway, and just real birds. It’s a safe place for recovering mommy-bloggers where you are forbidden to say, “That would be a good blog post,” and “I should tweet that.”).

Maybe I should switch from blogging to establishing a rehab for blogger moms, because there sure is a market for it.

To Be Continued…

 

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Comments

25 Responses | TrackBack URL | Comments Feed

  1. Oh, Adrienne. You make me giggle. And snort. (Very elegant. ; ) And you’re right about the bloggy-clique thing. I follow some food blogs and some craft blogs and I just get the sense that with each, the authors belong to a group to which I may NEVER gain entrance–regardless of how much we may have in common. Do you belong to “blogher”? P.S. I’m on hiatus with fb again. Sensitive soul that I am, I can’t deal with all the really mean humor re: CS.

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  2. First the name grabbed my attention- so happy I stopped by… you made me laugh. We are out there and we notice. I have enjoyed reading your posts.

    I, in the begining, neglected most mommy duties… I have finally found balance. Short posts during nap time seem to work best, plus I am lazy; so short posts are all I seem to muster up. This also leaves me enough time to read blogs I love and find new blogs I will be loving (like yours)… Now if I only knew how to leave a short comment.

    Anyhow- thank you for stopping by and reading about my life… and if I am told not to do something (like follow) chance are I will. Ha! ;)

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    • You rebel! (-:
      I love that you are lazy. Who admits to that? It gives the rest of us permission to out ourselves.
      Now, go away! Go watch Old, Yeller or something…I’ve got site stats to obsess about…
      PS: My goal is to muster up short posts at some point too (they are better on a blog, no?) but at the moment I seem to have too much to say.
      (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  3. Great blog! Looks good. Your writing is entertaining. Keep commenting on other peoples blogs with a link back to yours and you will start to get traffic. I visited dooce, too. Didn’t join. There is a lot of spamming on the mommy blog circuit. Good luck to you! (And I don’t think you need a therapist!)
    Twitter: WendySMarcus

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  4. I love this blog!! So pleased I stopped by. You are a very talented writer:-)

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  5. Ok, you make me laugh: the torture, the obsession, the falling down/ humiliation. its all so funny the way you say it. esp. the part about the christian home birther.
    your fan in California,
    Catherine

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  6. Wow. Your blog looks AWESOME. I wish my blog looked this awesome and I’ve been writing it for four stupid years. And you’re funny too. I’m going to go subscribe right now.

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    • I am honored!
      That’s a fabulous profile photo of you, Stimey.(-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  7. I am a terrible ‘tweeter’ In fact, I barely use twitter at all. I had it set up where all my tweets went to facebook and all my facebook friends got annoyed because I would post random stuff with #hashtags haha

    Thank you so much for stopping by my blog on my SITS day!
    I use a Nikon d40X for my magic picture making lol It’s a good camera.

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    • You”re welcome Ashlee. I don’t even know what a #hashtag is for…!
      Also, I think I have a Nikon d40X too – but am still somewhat photo-challenged cuz yours look professional.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  8. Hello! I found you through your comment on my blog and wanted to thank you for stopping in. I love the look, feel, and content of you blog! I will definitely be reading. I have only read one post and love your style already. I will have to catch up after Easter. I’ve suspended my internet time until then. Happy Blogging. Cynthia
    Twitter: lifebycynthia

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  9. I do not mommy-blog, but I do blog…R-ratd. I do mommy, five to be exact. I found your blog through a friend on FB. Good luck w/the writing…I’m enjoying it. And I don’t read other mommmy blogs…I’m a rebel like that.

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  10. Okay well now I’m hooked and it’s official; I do love you (you followed me on Twitter and yes Twitter is God). I started at the latest post and am working my way backwards… if you see someone in your stats who has been on your blog for umpteen bazillion hours, it’s me, don’t panic.

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    • Hi Nikki! (-: So glad to see you (and that you only had to do the soap thing once! Probably even your great-grandchildren will be well-behaved now too…!)
      PS: SHHH! Twitter is God.
      PSPS: I didn’t know you could check length of stalk-time on blogs – are you on WordPress, or something else? (-:
      See ye on Twitter!
      And I love the name of your blog, BTW.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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      • Yes! I am on wordpress but I use statcounter and that can tell you where people came from and how long they stay (and what they look at while they are visiting) Pretty freakin awesome.

        I have blog friends who don’t make major decisions (like what to make for dinner) without getting the opinion of Twitter so yes, Twitter = God.

        Also? I’m subscribed to you now. I’m a fan but I’ll try to refrain from being a blogger/stalker super fan type person. No promises.

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        • Thanks Nikki for the stats rec – I will look into it. (-:
          And as for Twitter: I am afraid of it. I try to send out 1 pathetic tweet per day, but that’s about it.
          Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  11. First, your blog design is AMAZING. Still trying to find a good one for mine. UGH… secondly – this is a HYSTERICAL entry! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I look forward to ‘talking’ to you more often!

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  12. Ha! I just read this post aloud to my husband. IT’S SO TRUE! I’ve even thought of becoming a Mormon or getting a design degree to increase traffic. The self-promoting aspect of blogging is tough for me, but I know it’s all part of the deal.

    Okay, I have to admit that when I saw you had 17 comments I told my husband you must have underplayed your popularity. But then I saw that you got most of the comments from pimping, so it’s all good. And just so you know, I’m leaving this comment not just to pimp my own blog but because I like your writing style, your husband is Irish, and you live in the D.C. area, which I love. But please come visit me and leave a comment so I don’t feel like I’m ignoring my children for no good reason.

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    • Oh my God, Shannon, what a great comment! I’ma visit your blog often. Come like us on FB, I am going to pimp your blog there too. I can’t believe you read this aloud to your husband, that is a big compliment. Hopefully one day we won’t have to pimp ourselves so much. BTW how would becoming a Mormon increase traffic? I always envied the Mormons just because the wives have more help around. (-: But I had no idea they also got more blog traffic. I may have to convert.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  13. Love your site! I’ve memorized Bridget Jones in its entirety so I guess you could say this “spoke” to me ;) I’m also new to bloggin and am in that ever-elusive hunt for readers, so I can completely relate.

    So true about Twitter. I can’t figure out how to make friends/followers? on Twitter – I feel like I’m sitting all alone at the lunch table watching the popular crowd, with their thousands of followers, wondering if I’ll ever be asked to sit with them… I also think I may have unwittingly committed some serious breaches of etiquette over there…

    In the name of pimping – you can find us at:
    http://www.18years2life.blogspot.com
    Twitter – @DanaMacario or @18years2life
    FB – https://www.facebook.com/18Years2Life?ref=ts

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    • I will go check out your blog now Dana. I love the name of it!
      Glad you are a fan of Bridget. (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  14. Love your blog. Found it through Momoir on FB. I love your humor and it is so true. I am new to the “blogosphere” and have been following my stats too. Yes, my children go missing sometimes and I will probably never be one of “those” moms who makes everything from scratch. I’m overly ambitious but honestly too lazy to actually get things done. I am totally impressed with myself for completing a sewing project this week insetead of getting halfway done and letting it sit (like the baby blanket for the 19 month old started when I was pregnant!). Good luck to you on your blog. I will follow you now as my daily laugh break! :)

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    • HI Christy, welcome to blogging. I’m relatively new myself. (-: I checked out your kreatingkandyland.com blog and may I say you make fabulous green mashed potatoes. (-:
      If you want to appear on the Momalog friends photos list you can “Like” us on our Facebook page – The Momalog Blog. Thanks so much for stopping by!
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  15. I’m working my way backwards through your posts. This one is so, so funny (partly because I can *painfully* relate)! Love it!

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  16. You write nice blog posts. It’s unfortunate that more people aren’t reading them. You should look into improving your site’s SEO a little more to get the amount of visitors you deserve. There is a good WordPress plugin known as SeoPressor that can help you out a lot. To read more on it simply click on my name or go to this url: po.st/rrGLcA I hope this helps you and keep up the great work! <3

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