Rapture, n.: 1. a state of being carried away by overwhelming emotion, 2. a mystical experience in which the spirit is exalted to the divine, 3. an event that has never happened before, so moms have no reliable guidelines for how to dress their kids.
The Day of Judgement is
just three two one ZERO shopping day away now rescheduled for October 21st, 2011, and as usual, I’m not prepared. I have done nothing. I better hoof it on down to the mall – Ella wants one last go on the escalators, and Fi needs a new pair of party shoes – her old ones are scuffed. Also, I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find an etiquette booklet for How to Dress Your Children for Judgement Day. I couldn’t find an proper etiquette guide so I wrote Judgement Day for Dummies: An Etiquette Guide for How to Behave on the Last Day of the World. For the Royal Wedding, women could look up the dress code in a publicly available guide to etiquette (i.e., “The crown of one’s head must be covered, however this does not necessarily apply to the Prime Minister’s wife…”) but for the End of the World? Nothing. You would think that the people who have planned this event would at least have the decency to tell us all what to wear. Well, I have some questions for the person who is planning this event, oh yes I do.
Dear Mr. Party Planner (sorry for using ‘Mr.’ but somehow I am sure that you are a man):
I know you are busy but I have some questions about your End of the World event on Saturday. Is there a dress code? Should my kids wear piano-recital-black or will it be festive? You keep saying it will be rapturous so if it’s going to be an ecstatic, all-night celebration, do you think that a Juicy Couture Kids ensemble would be appropriate? Hat or no hat? Should I make them go potty first? If my children are going to be sucked up through the atmosphere will they need to bring swimsuits and towels? Or should I bundle them up because it might be cold up yonder? And – pardon my ignorance but what if I go to Hell and my kids go to Heaven? Should I apply sunscreen? When you say it will be rapturous, do you mean rapturous as in festive? What I’m asking is – does this mean that Ella can wear her little Mexican fiesta skirt with the matching orange top? The one with little sombreros across the front? (It’s pretty cute.)
This is probably irrelevant but I’m a mom, so I worry! Our town parade is inconveniently scheduled to coincide with The Rapturousness of Judgement Day (what boob on the Town Council made that mistake?!) My children are scheduled to dance in the parade so I’m wondering if I should even bother to *find* their Irish dance shoes, and *then* go to the trouble of actually lacing them up, because frankly I hate lacing those ghillies up – it’s the bane of my existence, but my existence may be over before I even have to lace them, LOL! Should I lace the ghillies? – or do you think we should just stay home and watch one last Wild Kratts while we wait to get sucked up? I mean – if it’s the End of the World, maybe we should skip the parade? I don’t mean to pester you with all this mom-stuff, but I like to be prepared, Mr. Party Planner. Please get back to me ASAP (we don’t have much time – yuk-yuk!).
A Formal Aggressive Mom Who Likes to Know What to Wear
PS: Will there be gluten-free snacks up there because if not I need to pack extras.
PSPS: Who the fuck picked the date? It wasn’t a parent I can tell you that, or they wouldn’t have picked soccer Saturday, that’s for sure.
I’m wondering if there is a Nostradamussy-type person who pulls out their Bible, some crystals, a map of the stars, and their free Triple AAA calendar to pinpoint what day the world is going to end? I’d also like to know if this person is a parent, and if they are, how will they dress their kids? What are they saying to their kids? Are they canceling soccer?
I live in a highly educated part of the world – near Washington, D.C., for goodness sake – and yet I’m seeing these hokey doom-and-gloom signs all over the place – friendly reminders:
I have made my own sign and I am going to put it up all over town:
I am looking forward to waking up on Sunday, May 22nd. I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee before anyone else in the house wakes up. I’m going to sit outside on the front step in my PJs, and I’m going to watch the sun ascend – rapturously – into the heavens.
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