May

18

2011

“Dear Doomsday Party Planner…”

Filed under: Humor, Religion | Tags:

When I was a child, I used to be afraid of this same hand only I imagined it was coming up out of the potty. Kind of gives you something to think about.

Rapture, n.: 1. a state of being carried away by overwhelming emotion, 2. a mystical experience in which the spirit is exalted to the divine, 3. an event that has never happened before, so moms have no reliable guidelines for how to dress their kids.

The Day of Judgement is just three two one ZERO shopping day away now rescheduled for October 21st, 2011, and as usual, I’m not prepared. I have done nothing. I better hoof it on down to the mall – Ella wants one last go on the escalators, and Fi needs a new pair of party shoes – her old ones are scuffed. Also, I’ve looked everywhere but I can’t find an etiquette booklet for How to Dress Your Children for Judgement Day. I couldn’t find an proper etiquette guide so I wrote Judgement Day for Dummies: An Etiquette Guide for How to Behave on the Last Day of the World. For the Royal Wedding, women could look up the dress code in a publicly available guide to etiquette (i.e., “The crown of one’s head must be covered, however this does not necessarily apply to the Prime Minister’s wife…”) but for the End of the World? Nothing. You would think that the people who have planned this event would at least have the decency to tell us all what to wear. Well, I have some questions for the person who is planning this event, oh yes I do.

Dear Mr. Party Planner (sorry for using ‘Mr.’ but somehow I am sure that you are a man):

I know you are busy but I have some questions about your End of the World event on Saturday. Is there a dress code? Should my kids wear piano-recital-black or will it be festive? You keep saying it will be rapturous so if it’s going to be an ecstatic, all-night celebration, do you think that a Juicy Couture Kids ensemble would be appropriate? Hat or no hat? Should I make them go potty first? If my children are going to be sucked up through the atmosphere will they need to bring swimsuits and towels? Or should I bundle them up because it might be cold up yonder? And – pardon my ignorance but what if I go to Hell and my kids go to Heaven? Should I apply sunscreen? When you say it will be rapturous, do you mean rapturous as in festive? What I’m asking is – does this mean that Ella can wear her little Mexican fiesta skirt with the matching orange top? The one with little sombreros across the front? (It’s pretty cute.)

This is probably irrelevant but I’m a mom, so I worry! Our town parade is inconveniently scheduled to coincide with The Rapturousness of Judgement Day (what boob on the Town Council made that mistake?!) My children are scheduled to dance in the parade so I’m wondering if I should even bother to *find* their Irish dance shoes, and *then* go to the trouble of actually lacing them up, because frankly I hate lacing those ghillies up – it’s the bane of my existence, but my existence may be over before I even have to lace them, LOL! Should I lace the ghillies? – or do you think we should just stay home and watch one last Wild Kratts while we wait to get sucked up? I mean – if it’s the End of the World, maybe we should skip the parade? I don’t mean to pester you with all this mom-stuff, but I like to be prepared, Mr. Party Planner. Please get back to me ASAP (we don’t have much time – yuk-yuk!).

Sincerely,
A Formal Aggressive Mom Who Likes to Know What to Wear

PS: Will there be gluten-free snacks up there because if not I need to pack extras.

PSPS: Who the fuck picked the date? It wasn’t a parent I can tell you that, or they wouldn’t have picked soccer Saturday, that’s for sure.

I’m wondering if there is a Nostradamussy-type person who pulls out their Bible, some crystals, a map of the stars, and their free Triple AAA calendar to pinpoint what day the world is going to end? I’d also like to know if this person is a parent, and if they are, how will they dress their kids? What are they saying to their kids? Are they canceling soccer?

I live in a highly educated part of the world – near Washington, D.C., for goodness sake – and yet I’m seeing these hokey doom-and-gloom signs all over the place – friendly reminders:

I'm so glad these two very nice men put these reminders at the White House...what if I forgot?!

I have made my own sign and I am going to put it up all over town:

I am looking forward to waking up on Sunday, May 22nd. I’m going to make myself a cup of coffee before anyone else in the house wakes up. I’m going to sit outside on the front step in my PJs, and I’m going to watch the sun ascend – rapturously – into the heavens.

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Comments

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  1. No way could I have written it this well. Brava! (and very funny!)
    Twitter: wordsxo

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  2. I like your sign better. People are just nuts.

    PS, now I am thinking about a hand grabbing me from inside the potty. thanks.

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    • Didn’t you ever fear the hand in the potty ever when you were a kid? I am amazed! You have some catching up to do…But at least now you’re catching up.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  3. I can’t believe I procrastinated until the end of the world…AGAIN! What is wrong with me? Can you let everyone know when you hear back from the party planner guy? Because I need to make a list.
    Twitter: chicktuition

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    • Oh my God, I’m not alone! We could’ve started a support group but unfortunately we’ve run out of time!
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  4. Now THIS is pure awesomeness. I must re-tweet, re-post, re-everything!
    Twitter: januarydawn1

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  5. Hilarious!! Who on EARTH decided that Judgement Day would be on May 21? I’m sure they will be somewhat disappointed come Sunday. Does this mean I don’t have to buy a present for the birthday party we’re going to on Saturday? You know, since we’ll be all kinds of raptured out of here?

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  6. Ado how you make me laugh… We are spending the day in our PJ (like everyday) might as well be comfortable (especially for hell bound mama… Although, depending on the time of the rapture (because that is not very clear is it morning, afternoon, evening, is it an all day event?) we may very well be at Addison’s bestie 3rd birthday party– the tantrum that will cause if it is interupted (I apologize to anyone who has to experience a toddler’s 3rd birthday being rudely cut-short)

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  7. You are absolutely hilarious. I have a smile from ear to ear and a chuckle that hasn’t stopped since I started the first sentence. You have a talent for writing and I’m liking your page to my book marks so I can easily find you again when I need a smile and a real world insight. I hope we’re still here on May 22, I wanna read about your experience of watching the sun ascend with rapture into the heavens. Bless you, thank you.

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  8. Yikes, I’m not Christian and have been quite busy so I had no idea the end of the world was a comin’ this quickly. Speaking of shoes, my son’s shoes have huge holes in ‘em so we’d better get to Wal Mart right quick to outfit him in hole-free runners lest the Lord judge him (and me) for that one.
    Twitter: UGoGrrl

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    • Lisa, you are a’goin’ down for them holes, I’m afraid. (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  9. I found your blog through a friend this morning and so glad I did! Your post is hysterical, and your blog looks great! Thanks so much for the laugh!
    Twitter: SusannaLHill

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  10. Hysterical! Such a shame that I just got to know you and in two days I won’t have the pleasure of reading your blog anymore. But then, we may very well end up in hell together, so I’ll get to meet you in person! You bring the sunscreen. I’ll bring some marshmallows.
    P.s. As for the hand in the potty – one of my earliest dreams (nightmares) is of a bald man, holding a cast iron frying pan, emerging out of the toilet. What was that about?!
    It’s a small world, isn’t it? I love your writing. Your openness and humor brings us all even closer.
    Twitter: IzaTrapani

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    • Iza, maybe they have a special place for Creatives down there and we can have a laugh. I think Van Gogh will be there – we can hang out and analyze him. Re. your dream – I studied Jungian & mythological dream symbology for a few years and your frying pan in the toilet dream means that you were in some kind of inescapable situation (the frying pan) which brought about an instinctual urge for self-renewal and purification (bathroom). I’m totally into the Jungian dream symbology stuff, it’s fascinating and I’ve learned a lot from old Carl.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  11. The end of the world is coming and no one deigned to tell me. I’m like half a day ahead of you, and Washington DC – so does that mean I go first? That I’ll get sucked away first? Plucked by that hideous hand first? What? What? What?

    WHAT AM I GOING TO WEAR???

    Love this post, Ado. You have outdone yourself yet again. Tee hee.
    Twitter: MamaWantsThis

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    • You are killing me – hilarious – this whole topic just GETS me. It is so dang stupid! (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  12. OMG – I LOVE your sign! I want one.
    PLUS!! Someone’s GOT to video tape them taking down those May 21 posters on the 22nd. Seriously… do you think they would have the balls? Or just leave them there. LMAO

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  13. PS: I HAD BBQ POTATO CHIPS AND NUTELLA FOR BREAKFAST BECAUSE IT JUST DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE!
    Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  14. I was going to wait to tell you how much I loved this post when we meet for lunch next week….but what if that’s too late? So…here goes…Love this post!! :)

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    • I was going to tell you how much I love you E.C.B.F.F. but since today is D-Day: I love and adore you, best friend. See you in the Suckerator.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

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  15. This is so funny; I love your Etiquette Guide also. Thanks for sharing your wonderful sense of humor!

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  16. Brilliant! I laughed so hard that I had tears streaming down my face. BTW, I also live near Washington, D.C. and first saw those signs on a trip to Cape May, NJ near Baltimore in late April. I guess that shows how much attention I pay to those crackpots. LOL

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  17. laughing, laughing, laughing. What I always wanted to know is, what did all those ministers and biblethumpers say to their congregations, who wandered all over Christiandom (literally) handing out bumperstickers saying the world was ending. I mean, did they look at their still here minions and say “whoops, sorry, my bad, I meant NEXT May, gotta fix that google calendar app?” What is the face-saving exercise for getting the doomsday date so very publicly wrong? And now it’s schedule for October 21? OMG THAT’S TODAY!! AM I ABOUT TO DIE? I’M
    Twitter: mannahattamamma

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  18. laughing, laughing, laughing. I was going to wait to tell you how much I loved this post when we meet for lunch next week….but what if that’s too late? What was that about?! thanks.

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