1. Someone said this, and it made me laugh out loud. Now I think of it every time I look at the tower of dirty dishes in my sink, and then walk away from it:
Housekeeping is a bag of ass.
2. My kids knew something was up but they didn’t know that Daddy was home and hiding in Ella’s bed. Scared the living DAYLIGHTS out of them:
3. Setting: A taxicab in Brazil.
What Happened: I asked my close friend, a very sneaky Brazilian, how to say “Thank you for the lift” in Portuguese to our driver. So she told me how to say it.
What I Said: “Por favor, sua bunda fede!”
What It Means: ”Please, your ass stinks!”
(I didn’t know this until after he threw us out of his taxi, of course. But now I do.)
How To Say ‘Please, Your Ass Stinks’ in Portuguese:
“Por favor, sua bunda fede.”
Pronounced: Poor fa-vor, soo-uh boon-da fed-jee.
4. My husband just came back from San Francisco, where there is a Starbucks with a line out the door on every corner. Note: Not that it makes any difference, but he is from Ireland.
Him: “There’s something wrong with people out there.”
Me: “What now?”
Him: “Every person in line ordered something ridiculous, like: a quarter-caf-3/4-decaf-half-skim-half-full-fat-latte-with-ONE-Peruvian-coffee-bean-and-SIX-from-Venezuela-with-room-AND-two-tenths-of-a-drop-of-unsweetened-sweetener, and no one raised an eyebrow. When I got to the counter and said, “I’d like a decaf coffee please,” you could hear a PIN DROP. Everybody thought I was a freak.”
Me: “You? A freak in San Francisco? That’s something.”
Him: “On the East Coast – sure – you get people who order something particular – a half-caf-chai, a wet-capp – but never a quarter-caf-3/4-decaf-half-skim-half-full-fat-latte-with-ONE-Peruvian-coffee-bean-and-SIX-from-Venezuela-with-room-AND-two-tenths-of-a-drop-of-unsweetened-sweetener. It’s absurd!!!!”
Me: “You going into Starbucks to order a decaf coffee is absurd.”
5. Billy Connolly’s HILARIOUS description of a colonoscopy. I have it bookmarked, and every time I need a guaranteed belly laugh I watch it:
6. I’m reading When You Are Engulfed In Flames, by David Sedaris. This paragraph about the double-standard for moms and dads killed me:
If I was a child and saw something creeping out of a hole in my mother’s leg, I would march to the nearest orphanage and put myself up for adoption. I would burn all pictures of her, destroy anything she had ever given me, and start all over because that is simply disgusting. A dad can be crawling with parasites and somehow it’s OK, but on a mom, or any woman, really, it’s unforgivable.
7.When my kids asked for one too many bedtime stories, I invented the Tell Us Another Story Bird:
8. My husband came downstairs in his suit with one pant leg stuffed into his sock, followed by six-year-old Ella, whose dress was completely stuffed into her underpants. I’m not sure either of them had any idea that anything was wrong with their appearance. In fact, they probably would’ve left the house looking like that, if I hadn’t stopped them.
9. Jack Black on Yo Gabba Gabba doing an Irish jig:
10. A funny quote by Anne Lamott:
“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”
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