10 Things That Make Me Laugh

1. Someone said this, and it made me laugh out loud. Now I think of it every time I look at the tower of dirty dishes in my sink, and then walk away from it:

Housekeeping is a bag of ass.

2. My kids knew something was up but they didn’t know that Daddy was home and hiding in Ella’s bed. Scared the living DAYLIGHTS out of them:

3. Setting: A taxicab in Brazil.
What Happened: I asked my close friend, a very sneaky Brazilian, how to say “Thank you for the lift” in Portuguese to our driver. So she told me how to say it.

What I Said: “Por favor, sua bunda fede!”

What It Means: ”Please, your ass stinks!”

(I didn’t know this until after he threw us out of his taxi, of course. But now I do.)

How To Say ‘Please, Your Ass Stinks’ in Portuguese:
<with feeling>

“Por favor, sua bunda fede.”

Pronounced: Poor fa-vor, soo-uh boon-da fed-jee.

4. My husband just came back from San Francisco, where there is a Starbucks with a line out the door on every corner. Note: Not that it makes any difference, but he is from Ireland.

Him: “There’s something wrong with people out there.”
Me: “What now?”
Him: “Every person in line ordered something ridiculous, like: a quarter-caf-3/4-decaf-half-skim-half-full-fat-latte-with-ONE-Peruvian-coffee-bean-and-SIX-from-Venezuela-with-room-AND-two-tenths-of-a-drop-of-unsweetened-sweetener, and no one raised an eyebrow. When I got to the counter and said, “I’d like a decaf coffee please,” you could hear a PIN DROP. Everybody thought I was a freak.”
Me: “You? A freak in San Francisco? That’s something.”
Him: “On the East Coast – sure – you get people who order something particular – a half-caf-chai,  a wet-capp – but never a quarter-caf-3/4-decaf-half-skim-half-full-fat-latte-with-ONE-Peruvian-coffee-bean-and-SIX-from-Venezuela-with-room-AND-two-tenths-of-a-drop-of-unsweetened-sweetener. It’s absurd!!!!”
Me: “You going into Starbucks to order a decaf coffee is absurd.”

My Husband.

5. Billy Connolly’s HILARIOUS description of a colonoscopy. I have it bookmarked, and every time I need a guaranteed belly laugh I watch it:

6. I’m reading When You Are Engulfed In Flames, by David Sedaris. This paragraph about the double-standard for moms and dads killed me:

If I was a child and saw something creeping out of a hole in my mother’s leg, I would march to the nearest orphanage and put myself up for adoption. I would burn all pictures of her, destroy anything she had ever given me, and start all over because that is simply disgusting. A dad can be crawling with parasites and somehow it’s OK, but on a mom, or any woman, really, it’s unforgivable.

7.When my kids asked for one too many bedtime stories, I invented the Tell Us Another Story Bird:

8. My husband came downstairs in his suit with one pant leg stuffed into his sock, followed by six-year-old Ella, whose dress was completely stuffed into her underpants. I’m not sure either of them had any idea that anything was wrong with their appearance. In fact, they probably would’ve left the house looking like that, if I hadn’t stopped them.

9. Jack Black on Yo Gabba Gabba doing an Irish jig:

10. A funny quote by Anne Lamott:

“I thought such awful thoughts that I cannot even say them out loud because they would make Jesus want to drink gin straight out of the cat dish.”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

  1. Your laugh is contagious. Fact. And your ten picks are super funny. Each and every one! Favorite? Daddy jumping out and your story. And seriously, do you think those folks in Starbucks ever fully get what people are ordering? Because today I drove off without my coffee and nobody blinked an eye. If they don’t notice a latte left in their hand then do they really get the 23 word order?
    Twitter: NorthWestMommy

    • That’s a really good point – the Starbucks people probably do the same thing no matter what we order. I never thought of it that way. (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

  2. I love, love, LOVE Anne Lamott. Operating Instructions is one of my favorite books – and I quote from her book on writing all the time. I give my students the chapter on “shitty first drafts” (her title, not mine) and watch their eyes open wide as they realize they’re reading “shitty” in a legitimate context. Thanks for the chuckles.
    Twitter: mannahattamamma

    • One of the best things I ever learned about writing was how to give myself permission to write a shitty first draft. Thanks for the chuckle Deborah. PS: I got to take an 8 week writing course from Anne many moons ago, and she was even more hilarious in the classroom than she is on the page.
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

    • Thanks Allison. PS: I don’t really like my laugh – my voice is so deep and well, manly. Sometimes I honestly feel like I sound rather like a transvestite, but that’s just me…
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

    • I’d say you’re welcome but really, you should thank Anne Lamott for her wicked sense of humor. (-;
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

    • My husband is very refreshingly funny (especially in that Wolf-run-amok-in-the-forest getup) – and all my girlfriends have placed widower’s dibs on him in the untimely event of my death, because he’s that funny. (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

  3. Awesome. I like that you like writing a$$ so much. When I was in junior high, one of my friends always used to say “That’s ass!” at anything bad. I thought it was dumb at the time, but it’s grown on me so much. Love bag of ass, stinky ass. Another one I like is bumsauce .. a little gross but the kids love that too.
    Twitter: PerfectingParen

  4. These are terrific videos!! The comedy ones are funny, but the one of your husband scaring your kids cracked me up. I love it when my children are ‘pleasantly’ surprised!

  5. Fantastic LOL list. I love them all. That was a naughty Daddy (and mummy filming it) scaring the girls like that! Billy Connolly is so FUNNY and yo gabba gabba annoys me.
    Twitter: kiddothings

  6. My favorite was the Starbucks one (you going to Starbucks and ordering decaf …). But I as confused about the parasite. Why would anyone have something crawling out of their leg?

    • Jennie – You just have to read David Sedaris to find out why someone would have a parasite crawling out of their leg (I think it was a trip to Africa or something) – anyway, hilarious – disgusting but hilarious. (-:
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

  7. These were hysterical! I love David Sedaris. And Billy Connolly just makes me roll. I seriously laughed so hard I cried. Real tears.
    Twitter: normalmomally

    • I cry from laughing every time I watch that Billy Connolly video. It is just pee-in-your-pants hilarious – but if you watch it while reading David Sedaris, who is hysterical = hospitalization!
      Twitter: Adothemomalog

  8. OMG, Billy Connolly! That was hysterical. One day, I’m just going to say to a patient, “You know, what you really need is a good shit to clear your head.” HAH!
    Twitter: diaperdiatribe