Memo: Stuff I Did Today That
Probably Embarrassed My Kids
- This morning during swim practice at the club:
I was minding my own business when a bee dive-bombed my arm and stung me, without any provocation whatsoever. I feel that I behaved with an impressive amount of decorum, but my kids say that I yelped and said “Shit!”- loud enough to be heard by the lifeguards and all the G-rated children and their mothers.
- Then tonight in our backyard:
I was unfairly targeted and harrassed by a whole gang of wasps, and stung yet again! This time on my back. Twice in one day! What are the chances?
Note: A wasp sting hurts way more than a bee sting.
After that, I humiliated myself by cantering around the backyard while flapping my arms and whinnying like a hyena (I know that hyenas don’t whinny, but this is what I sounded like).
Even worse: I jumped into the pool with all of my clothes on. And my shoes!
My kids were dumbstruck. Usually to get me into the pool you have to light an atom bomb under my ass – but here I was suddenly in the pool with them, fully clothed.
That’s when the gang of wasps came after me like Kamikaze pilots and we all had to go underwater for a period of time.
A completely and utterly unprovoked attack.
All I did was poke the wasp nest over our sliding door with a pool noodle and knock it to the ground and whap it a few more times with the noodle.
That’s all. (Sorry, PETA, but those little shits were building a big-assed condo right over our door.)
The worst part about this was not that my children will have this memory of me, their mother, jumping into a swimming pool fully clothed and whinnying. It’s not that this will come up in therapy if they ever go and will be proof that their mother was a class-A kook. No. It’s that I’ve always prided myself on a certain arrogant fearlessness I have around bees and wasps, and people who are afraid of them. I’m always the one who flicks away the bee. I’m the one who gallantly helps protect the person who’s terrified of them. There was the day that the pool cleaner – a big, strapping manly man – hid behind me while I went after a wasp’s nest with a broom handle, fearlessly.
But I had never been stung by a wasp before.
Now that I have – and now that those wasps from that condominium I demolished have vengeance on their mind – I am afraid.
I am very, very afraid.
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