Today’s the last day of swim practice, and on that note I have issues to complain about.
We belong to a little country club where the pool hasn’t been updated in 20 years, but everyone is nice, probably because they don’t have to pay the equivalent of the national deficit to join. But we compete against uber-swanky clubs around the Washington D.C. area – clubs that have heated towels, valet parkers, dads who are supreme court justices, moms who have a one-nanny-per-child policy. When we compete at these clubs, I have to gather up my low self-esteem and try to look more spic-n-span than I usually do (which is hard) and to brace myself for the onslaught of Lily Pulitzer golf skirts, wide-brimmed straw visors with ribbons on them – the hallmark of the country club mom – and my newfound heated-towel-envy.
This mom from an opposing swim team was was timing. I did not like her, oh no I did not. Why? She was overheard in the parking lot telling her friend what a “monster” her son was and using derogatory terms like “little shit” to describe him.
Right in front of him.
When he swam his event (backstroke) and got out of her lane and looked up at her he had a gleam of pride on his little face.
She said: “You could have done much better.”
He was 5!
I saw his face fall.
It crushed me.
At swim meets, I spend a lot of time attempting to avoid the parent volunteer coordinator. This is not because I am lazy, it’s because I am an unreliable timer – I get distracted looking at a Lily Pulitzer outfit, say, or eavesdropping on conversations – and I’ll forget to push the start button. I space out, a lot. At one meet, I spaced out like this three times and forgot to push the start button.
I’m not good at it, and I’m not the swimmer in the family – my husband is.
At one meet, after the parent volunteer coordinator yelled at us that she needed one more volunteer, I sheepishly put down my David Sedaris book (When You Are Engulfed In Flames - what an appropriate book) and stepped forward to time. But I was too late in coming forward so naturally, she was pissed at me.
Note: I over-volunteer during the school year, just FYI. I am not a volunteer-slacker.
I was standing in my lane with the other two backup parents, trying with all my might not to space out, when the crowd parted and I saw my husband arrive from work. He was in his suit and it was unbelievably hot. When he saw me standing there, he laughed and shook his head, came right over, and said he would time.
A little later I was standing near him eavesdropping on someone’s conversation and doing what I do best – spacing out – and the dreaded parent volunteer coordinator gave me a mean look and said, “I think you should really be paying more attention to your lane.”
I explained to her that my husband was doing the timing because he was better at it than I was. I even smiled and said, “He’s the swimmer in the family.”
She scanned my husband: his shirt and tie, suit pants, and leather shoes. Then she looked at my shoes – flip flops. She hissed (and I’m not exaggerating), “The least you could have done is trade shoes with him.”
I’m sorry but what a biaaatch!
When he returned the timer to her, my husband said:
“I would’ve traded shoes with my wife but I didn’t get my pedicure this week.”
Then he winked at her, like only an Irishman could.
God, I love that man.
Most mornings during practice at our club I’ll sit on a chaise lounge and read, write, or (more likely) gossip with my mom-friends. But one day, Ella pointed to the chaise lounge I’d been sitting on and said:
“Look at the volcano crater your butt left, Mommy.”
And that sort of ruined the chaise lounge experience for me. Now every time I get up off one of those chairs I notice the volcanic-sized crater left by my ass.
The indentation my butt left in the chaise lounge. Now I'm self-conscious about this.
You sure have a long summer swim program? Ours ended early July (it is only 6 weeks long.) And if ONE MORE PERSON asks me to be the volunteer coordinator for it next year, I’m gonna scream
P.S. Butt Craters totally mean it’s time for new lounge chairs – Do I hear country-club-summer-volunteer-lounge-chair-fundraiser coordinator calling your name?
Twitter: katefineske
Kate you are SO funny. (-:
We extended our swim practice – it’s not swim team, just morning swim for an hour with the coach instructing – so nice for the kids to start summer mornings with a swim. Anyway today is the last day. (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Oh I hate those plastic-slatted devil chairs! I think that you have to be less than 80 pounds to not leave an indentation in those things…I always put a towel down – the gaps in the slats aren’t as noticeable then…=)
Twitter: TheBareMidriff
Now there’s a suggestion – why didn’t I think of that?! Also putting towel down before sitting would prevent my arse from jutting through the slats whilst I am sitting. A good idea all around.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
D is such a great husband for saying that. Gotta love the Irish charm for being able to get away with that sort of thing.
The Irish always have a split-second response to these sorts of things, one that always forces the person on the receiving end to have to see humor in everything…
Twitter: Adothemomalog
I’m chuckling from the volcano crater comment, but overall this post has me pretty steamed up and proud of you for being a ‘normal’ mother and not a self-absorbed parent who is desensitized to her children. I hope you did not have to suffer too many swim meets over the summer with people like that. I don’t miss this aspect of D.C. (where we used to live before moving to the west coast one year ago). I remember a mom who wouldn’t even stand by me at the playground, because I was wearing Old Navy and Target clothes and flip flops. I love how you and your husband are on the same team, battling it out against that tide of crazy parents
So you’re familiar with the whole East Coast/West Coast cultural parenting differences – a whole blog post unto itself! I’d love to know where on the W. Coast you live now (I’m from California). (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
We got stationed here in San Diego for four years! We have three more to go and I’m loving it
I think I’d love to retire in the Pacific NW, but San Diego is beautiful and matches my lifestyle more than the east coast. Will you get to move back to CA one day?
Hi again Kim – oh that sounds lovely! What a paradise to be stationed in! We are trying to figure out our next move – part of us wants to go back to Ca. but then we’ve been here 6 years and there are so many resources for kids/education etc. – we are figuring it out now. I’m pretty sure we will end up back in N. Ca – it’s “home.” (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
That lady totally deserved it!
Those chairs though? They’re the devil. They were made to make us feel even more horrible than we already do.
Twitter: MamasMonologues
I’m going to start a volunteer parent committee at the club to upgrade the chaise lounges. (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
First, that BITCH who talked shit about her son. It makes me sick when I hear about parents like that. BITCH.
And good on your Irishman with that retort!
Stupid chaise lounge chairs.
Twitter: MamaWantsThis
I love how you don’t mince words Alison! (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
This is the *only* thing I do NOT miss about my kids graduating from high school — no more parent groups YAHOOOOO! What is it about these women (and they are only women in my experience) that makes them think they have the right to boss anyone around? Once at a track meet when I was timing a lane, I was YELLED at for timing my own daughter! (I had NO WAY OF KNOWING of course which lane she would be in.) All the other parents, many many many parents around, hung their heads in embarrassment (and happiness that it wasn’t them being yelled at!) Perhaps needless to say, that woman earned a choice nickname in our household. As for that woman who called her son names: SHAME ON HER. I guarantee she will get her reward from him in a few years when he goes to college and visits her infrequently and I’m sure, learns how to call her names back. She will of course blame him. UGH. (p.s. as for the chaisse lounge? I’m pretty sure even the kids leave volcanoes…
Twitter: wordsxo
Julia I will try to see if Ella leaves a crater in the chair next time and be sure and point it out to her. Re. the woman on the track meet – biaaatch! I would be embarrassed to yell at people like this, and I was the parent volunteer coordinator for hundreds for our school fair. Sure I got frustrated but only in private, not right in front of them. Jeez. In situations like that it is always helpful if you have a quick, public, firm retort – to put her in her place – but my problem is I am not quick on my feet like that, I always think of what I should’ve said afterward.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Maybe you should start building a plan to ruin that volunteer coordinator. This post is a good start, but maybe some compromising pictures, a few juicy rumours, some unwanted and embarrassing subscriptions. Or, since I hear the Irish love to fight, just get him to pugilistically explain to the other husband how his coordinator wife has a few wrong ideas.
Twitter: PerfectingParen
Oh you’re mischievous!
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Very interesting stuff you can find happening at swim meets. What an A-hole mom that was – expecting so much from her 5yo son. GOSH!
You’re so funny with butt crater thing!
Twitter: kiddothings
Why thank you, I’m glad my butt craters amused you! (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
I just checked out but haven’t yet read HOTHOUSE KIDS which is about this idea of pushing our kids too early to excel. (My child started Suzuki violin at age 5 so I am hardly immune!) Still, how can one’s heart not break to hear that mother say to her child “You could have done better!”–what does a child do with that kind of disapproval from the parent he so desperately longs to please? Unhappily they grow up to be the unhappy and difficult teens and adults–the ones neither us nor our kids can bear to be around.
Wonder what that woman’s parents said to HER when she was a child?
Lately I’ve been taken with the idea that such early pushing paradoxically produces young people who are immature and stuck in perpetual early adolescence too long!
That’s a very interesting thought – and somehow counterintuitive, that pushing a child to excel too early produces an immaturity that is difficult to move through. It’s hard here in the DC area – holy shit everybody is an over-achiever, good Lord – it is just OTT. We are not immune either. Our first child pretty much excels at everything she turns her mind to – whether it’s skiing, music, dance, gymnastics etc. – so she keeps getting invited up to participate More and it can be hard for us to say “no” – our second one is different and we are trying to shield them from this whole over-achievy syndrome they have here – but I have to tell you, it’s hard when you are surrounded.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
So funny!
Thanks Annie! (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog