Our prehistoric washer/dryer was broken for over a week (good excuse for not doing the laundry) so before we got Fabio, I had to run out and buy everybody new underpants and socks because I hadn’t done laundry since the last Ice Age (we nicknamed the pile Mount Kilamanjaro, if you want a size comparison). At the store I got myself what I thought was a snappy new shirt – button-down, casual, yet smart. When Fiona saw me, her eyes widened in cartoon-like shock. She is a kind person who does not like to hurt my feelings so this was hard for her to say:
“Are you wearing that to take me to school?” she said.
“Yes – don’t you like it?”
“It’s nice,” she said, “if you’re going on a Safari. No offense, but it would look really good in Tanzania if you were looking for an elephant or something.”
To prove her point she took an iPhone photo of me in the shirt from several angles. I had no idea my eyes were so broken – the shirt looked horrendous on me and was about 4 sizes too big. (It looked so bad, in fact, that I’m not even going to post the photos she took despite their high-entertainment value.)
I went upstairs and put on a pair of (what I thought were ) cute pinstripe capris and a t-shirt.
When she saw me, she said, ”Isn’t that what train conductors wear?”
I went back to my closet and pulled on my usual pair of jeans, Ugg boots, and t-shirt. I can’t believe I’m saying this but when I came downstairs I actually asked my ten-year-old if what I was wearing was okay. I don’t know what happened to my fashion sense but boy do I need my mojo back, man. It’s totally gone on Safari.
I think this is why I was so horrified when I read that Hot In Heels post by Bitches In The Burbs (from the never-ending Freefringes.com contest in which I am one of the 14 finalists…). BIBS posted how when they see a mom (like me) in the supermarket wearing her dowdy mom-look (khaki capris, flats, ponytail) they get angry because they’re still wearing their six-inch-hooker heels and giving a shit about what men think of them. Here’s a quote:
Every f*cking place I go I’m surrounded by dowdy DMs in their baggy, outdated, frumpy old get ups, not giving a crap whether they’ve washed their hair in days, let alone put on a little lipstick. Even if there is some hot little Chiquita banana hiding somewhere underneath the surface, you’d never in a million years know it. G-d D*mn it pisses me off so bad, and I don’t even know why! I want to walk up to them, rip off their stupid ugly *ss lavender turtleneck, pleated slacks, Playtex 18 hour bra, granny panties, sensible loafers, & canvas bag and throw the entire f*cking ensemble into a fire and watch it burn.
I have a response to the Bitches (who call their daughters “BITS” by the way – you figure it out…) but that would be an entire post on its own so I won’t go into it here. It did horrify me though, because I recognized myself in their description, minus the granny panties.
Last year my daughter said:
“You need to go on What Not To Wear, Mommy. But if you do, they’ll put all your clothes up the suckerator.”
The thing about ten-year-olds is they have one foot in childhood and one foot in the future – they’re starting to try on their own opinions, and see if they fit. What better person to target-practice on than Mommy?
If you ask me, tweens should come with a warning label:
WARNING: TWEENS COME WITH THEIR OWN OPINIONS. THIS MAY OR MAY NOT HURT YOUR FEELINGS.
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Tweens Should Come With Warning Labels: http://t.co/fqznUUMU
This is hilarious! BUT if those BIBS or BITS see me, well let’s just say I’m facing the suckerator or trial by fire. And, dads also need to beware. My husband has an old sweatshirt that my daughter (at about 12) pinned a note to that reads: “You are not allowed to wear this out of the house anymore.” One of his prized possessions (note still pinned to it; he doesn’t wear it anymore). I love it when my daughter expresses/expressed her opinions to us because it made me believe she had a better chance standing up to the BITS/BIBS in school and in life (did I say that?).
Julia recently posted..Past, Present, Future: 7 Links Plus
Maternal musings of one of my fave bloggers @adothemomalog: "Tweens Should Come With Warning Labels" http://t.co/Qz5Kw4v7 #sofunny #sotrue
Oh my gosh, when does this start? You should show your daughter this http://abcnews.go.com/US/embarrassing-dad-170-costumes/story?id=13783709
I love that dad!
Theresa recently posted..A Family Tree…
Thank goodness I don’t have a tween in the house or I’d never be allowed out of the house. My usual get up is embarrassing, to say the least. All my pretty clothes tucked neatly in dark corners. Sigh.
Maybe I do need a Bitch to come over and throw my clothes into a fire.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I’m Not Just A Stay-At-Home Mom
Oh, yes. Tweens can hurt their moms feelings the most. Or their sisters. UGH. It’s a tough age, I’m finding.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Big News! Fun Announcements!
One. More. Year. Not looking forward to 10 now. Thanks!
Ok, … now here is the “glass half full” comment: Thanks so much for the heads up!!! 
Kate F. recently posted..Acknowledging a Career in Motherhood?
It is never ending, isn’t it!!
The “no offense, but” makes me shudder… and I can’t wait to read what you have to say about the heels!
Jamie recently posted..call me crazy
I can always get the “No Offense but…” printed on a t-shirt for her, as a head’s up for me…!
Hilarious story – My niece is also edging into her tweens. My sister told my mom the other day that this Tween had learned a new word: “NO!” and it came with some attitude. LOL. It took me straight back to stories from the terrible twos.
Tweens do need warning labels and it doesn’t always get better as they age.
Good luck! Great post!
#FF to @AdoTheMomalog for making sure that my side has a consistent ache from laughing so hard… Dare I say "Safari" http://t.co/8PUIeZFK
Oh my goodness, that was seriously funny! “Suckerator” – ingenious!
Mama, Hear Me Roar recently posted..Fighting viral
You tell this in such a funny way, Ado, but it’s also a sad statement on our society which puts so much importance on appearance- especially for girls and women.
Oh man – I am totally scared. I would probably get tagged for one of those shows where they look for people with horrible fashion sense and ask them to give them an on-the-spot makeover.
Lady Jennie recently posted..Filet Mignon of Porc
You live in France – I don’t believe that your wardrobe sucks b/c everyone in France is chic, n’est ce pas?
Even my son, who has a decent sense of fashion, has given me the, “You aren’t going to wear THAT, are you? Isn’t it kind of YOUNG for you?” You’re killing me, Kid.
Ally recently posted..Monday Listicles – Guilty Viewing Pleasures
This is awesome! Your tween sounds a little more hip than ours. It must be all that Irish Dance exposure!
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