R.E.M. wrote a song called “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” Did you ever wonder what the story is behind the title? No? Well, I’m going to tell you.
Back in the 90′s, anchorman Dan Rather was mugged by a guy who repeated “Kenneth, what’s the frequency? Kenneth, what’s the frequency?” about a million times. The man apparently blamed the news media for beaming signals into his head – he thought if he could just find the right frequency, he could block the signals.
So he kept on badgering Dan Rather.
And R.E.M. heard about it and wrote the song.
What this has to do with my top 10 list: there are a lot of nutters out there Googling weird shit to find the answers to strange questions and ending up on mommy blogs. I know this because I get to go behind the curtain to look at my site stats in WordPress and Get Clicky. When I see what people have Googled just before landing on The Momalog, I worry. I think of that man in the song calling Dan Rather Kenneth and trying to find the right frequency.
Trying to answer an unanswerable question.
Googling “toilet paper in your pants” or “how to survive a hurricane” and ending up with me.
That sort of thing.
I worry about these people and their ability to accept random information from Google in the same way I worry about my kids handling coins that have been in other people’s pockets – you never really know where they came from.
So here’s my list.
This week’s Listicles topic was chosen by Jen from Just Jennifer. Even though she’s one of my favorite tweeps, I’m using Stasha’s rebel card this week and doing a list of 10 weird things people Google to find my site.
Top 10 Weird Things People Google Before Ending Up At The Momalog
1. “is sucking a lollipop suggestive”
My answer: “If it’s in Kim Kardashian’s mouth and it costs $25, yes. If it’s in the Land’s End catalog – well don’t get me started.“
Post responsible: Is It Just Me Or Is Lands’ End Sexing Up Their Kids Catalog?
2. “are there moms with toilet paper hanging out of ass”
My response: No comment.
It’s because of this post: Real Friends Tell You When You Have Toilet Paper Hanging Out of Your Mom Jeans
3. “afraid of Irish dance hair”
My response: Fear the wig and do it anyway.
It’s because of this post: I’m Afraid of Irish Dance Hair
4. “Guatemalan worry dolls are you supposed to throw them away”
My answer: ”They’re called worry dolls for a reason. Let’s not give them something else to worry about.”
It’s because of this post: My Favorite Vintage Toys
5. “how to make my child practice suzuki violin”
Dear novice parent: The idea behind Suzuki violin is to lure your kid into practicing music through joy and love, concealing the fact that what you are really doing is hard-core, covert strategy and manipulation. If you’re going to do Suzuki violin and stay in it for the long haul, you’re going to have to pull a lot of stuff out of your ass. I mean a lot. Lesson one: never, ever use the words “make” and “practice” in the same sentence! Good luck!
It’s because of this post: How To Do Suzuki Violin With Your Child – 10 Tips
6. “psyko+momalog”
My response: Hmph! And by the way, psycho does not have a ‘k’ in it.
It’s because of this post: All of them.
7. “people who have had too much therapy”
My response: If Joan River’s motto is, “you can never have too much plastic surgery,” mine is, “you can never have too much therapy.” Seriously. I think going into therapy and facing yourself takes huge courage. I also think continuing to go when you need it throughout your lifetime is kind of like getting a tune-up in insightfulness, so in my book, there’s no such thing as too much therapy.
It’s because of this post: My bio.
8. “where will I go after I get raptured”
My response: “I can’t tell you where you’ll be exactly when the rapture goes down, but I can tell you that the morning after the rapture you’ll be waking up wherever you usually wake up, only feeling like a complete idiot.”
Responsible post: Doomsday To-Do List
9. “washed my child’s mouth out with soap”
My response: “I hope that after you read my post you realized that washing a child’s mouth out with soap is child abuse.”
It’s because of this post: It’s Not Mister Roger’s Hood, That’s For Sure
10. “what will happen to my pet after the rapture”
My response: “If you believe you know the date the world is going to end why aren’t you also kooky enough to believe that God has a special pet-sized Hoover with kibble in it just for your chihuahua? Seek help.”
It’s because of this post: Judgement Day For Dummies – An Etiquette Guide
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That is too funny!! I don’t get that many of these crazy searches, but when I do? Oy. I especially love #6…or rather, your answer to it.
Thanks Greta – you Shakespearean, you (“To Produce or Not To Produce…that is the question) —> heading over to read it now!
Bwaahaahaa!!! I love that you rebelled! I did NOT know that about the R.E.M song…I love tidbits of trivia like that.
Number 7 and 9 are my favorites
This is hilarious. Glad you rebelled, I love a good laugh. I checked my searches long time ago and only ones I got is Stasha. But then i realized she was indeed a famous transvestite porn star so I guess Northwestmommy is a bit of a let down for my google traffic peeps…
Oh, no! That’s waaaay off!
Oh, no! That’s waaaay off!
Hahaha…
LOVED that R.E.M. song. Miss them…
Loved that Suzuki post (missed that post!? – so had to read it.)
SO… because of the Suzuki Post: Also loved your violin teacher… My daughter plays piano and she has an awesome teacher – seriously, get a good teacher, that makes it fun and age appropriate, and you have it made.
Dislike – the cost of a violin. REALLY?? Ugh. That was my next instrument for my daughter… we might go with the rental violin
Kate – think of the cost of a violin this way: It’s not as expensive as a piano, and as an added bonus – it’s portable! You do not have to go this high for it in cost though. My husband is a bit of a musical fanatic (think: Tiger Woods dad if he had a violin in his hand) – there are excellent rentals out there too. Go for it.
Ado, you are too funny, and the loveliest of rebels. I especially enjoyed the last one and the advice to “seek help”. Liz the wizard of Oz, it’s probably best that we can only pull the curtain back so far on these people.
Let’s start a rock band – The Lovliest Rebels. (-: (Thank you…!)
Ohmygoodness- I die.
This? Is genius.
xo
Thanks Galit!
You get the best search phrases!! The one I had most recently that’s worth mentioning is…… mama wants sex. And I have NO idea why anyone would land on my blog with THAT.
ALISON, THIS KILLED ME!!! —->You are so funny.
Haha, this made me S.O.L. (that’s snort out loud, and I’m pretty sure I just made it up)! I agree with you on #7 – it takes a lot of courage, which is why I’ve never had therapy but probably should. I’m a total wimp when it comes to facing myself!
Dare to go! Don’t be a wimp if you think you might need it. If you get an average to good therapist, it can be the best thing ever. Seriously! (-: Good luck Amanda…keep me posted.
I love What’s the Frequency – one of my favorite R.E.M. songs. I think this was a tidbit my husband told me once, but I forgot, so it was fun to hear the story again
And I love your search topics – hilarious. And your take on them is, too. Makes me want to go back and read ALL of your old blog posts! I’ll admit I enjoy looking at the search engine terms that led to my blog, too. My strangest right now when I just checked? “I knew she liked girl on girl kissing.”
Katie I think I need to go back and read all YOUR old blog posts too, after that saucy Google hit!
I totally agree with you – that it actually takes a LOT of courage to seek therapy.
And my girls had their Suzuki piano recital yesterday. A little piece of me just dies at everyone (in a good way) at how much I love music, Suzuki and seeing such young children play so extraordinarily.
It takes a lot to be a Suzuki parent – or a parent who puts in the time to help their children get the gift of music. Go you! So happy to hear they had a recital yesterday. (-:
These are so funny I can’t decide which one I like best! It’s making me wonder what people google to end up at my place
I love this song, one of my favorite and great idea for an article, by the way:)
Indeed,lovely song
Awesome post, Ado. I’m stealing it.
Erica go ahead and steal away – every person who sticks with NaBloPoMo is entitled to as much stealing as they need. (-:
You are hilarious. I cannot believe I’ve never been to your blog before. New follower in the house!
Yay! Thanks Eve (-:
Great list! I love looking through my google searches, unfortunately none have been as interesting as your are.
OK, while I’m disappointed that you didn’t want to do the prompt, this was super great! Really funny, and just goes to show you write some interesting post. Do you know that a previous listicle I did about my favorite foods still gets lots of hits when people Google “burritos”? Cracks me up!
Wow does that mean lots of people are out there Googling burritos, too? (-:
I’m sorry I rebelled against your topic Jen – I left you my explanation in the comments of your post. (-: Great topic though.
I love reading these! Although I really worry about some people. Thank you for sharing these and for the laugh. p.s I think my favorite is “psyko” and never too much therapy. I am have to believe I cannot have too much.
Those are some of my FAVORITE posts of yours.
What won’t people google? I love these…especially number 6, psyko.
I’m certainly FLATTERED at the psycho bit but APPALLED that they misspelled it! (BTW, does “misspell” have two s’s or 1?)
Too funny I should so go back and look. I love your responses and man I know that with my potty training posts there are a lot of people who google penis and hit my site.
And to think I found your blog in such a boring — through comment you left on another blog — I feel so cheated!
Well you need to go back to the drawing board Julia and Google something salacious and see if The Momalog comes up. Fresh new non-boring start! (-: PS: I’m sure we’ll get some pretty weird hits to do with Bacon in the near future…
Unfortunate wording during a gardening post, has resulted in searches to my blog for “hot, dirty mamas with sweaty boobs.” I am more careful now in my writing. LOL
That one made me laugh, Rory. I feel for you!
OMGosh Rory – that’s too funny! I had one about a month back that appalled the crap out of me so much (and trust me… it takes a lot to offend me!) that I now have code words (or abbreviations – whatev) for swear words if I feel so compelled to drop a 4-letter bomb… or in my case 5,6,or 7 letter word because I sometimes like to make words up.
Anyway — Ado, some of those are pretty funny! I’m going to have to check out a few of your posts that brought some of those kookies to your virtual doorstep.
It’s amazing the things people write in google and how they find sites! Like Julia, I found you blog through a comment and I’ve been a fan ever since!
Haha! Great list! I’ve had my fair share of funny searches – my most recent one – ‘su wong gives birth’ – who the heck is su wong?! and ‘what’s in my nose’
Seek help, indeed! LOL
It’s been a while since I’ve checked to see what people were searching to end up on my blog. Might have to go do that and have a good laugh. Yours were hilarious.
What people search for – and end up finding – is pretty wild.
really interesting to know how people get to your blog.. yours are simply hilarious.. mine are mostly to do with family bonding.
“When I see what people have Googled just before landing on The Momalog, I worry.”-LOL
Aww, you cracked me up with this post, Ado! Especially this one: “psyko+momalog”
It’s because of this post: All of them. Haha!:D
Thanks (-:
Thanks Emilia (-:
I thought I had some crazy searches! This was hysterical!
Now I’ll have to check out your blog Barbara! (-:
As always, you crack me up! So funny. You definitely get the Weirdest Google Search award!
What an awesome, hilarious list! Seriously, where do people come up with some of these things?
This is unbelievably funny !!!
What people search for – and end up finding – is pretty wild. It’s amazing the things people write in google and how they find sites! Loved that Suzuki post (missed that post!? Awesome post, Ado.
LMAO so funny !!!!
I am have to believe I cannot have too much. Let’s start a rock band – The Lovliest Rebels. —->You are so funny.