R.E.M. wrote a song called “What’s the Frequency, Kenneth?” Did you ever wonder what the story is behind the title? No? Well, I’m going to tell you.
Back in the 90′s, anchorman Dan Rather was mugged by a guy who repeated “Kenneth, what’s the frequency? Kenneth, what’s the frequency?” about a million times. The man apparently blamed the news media for beaming signals into his head – he thought if he could just find the right frequency, he could block the signals.
So he kept on badgering Dan Rather.
And R.E.M. heard about it and wrote the song.
What this has to do with my top 10 list: there are a lot of nutters out there Googling weird shit to find the answers to strange questions and ending up on mommy blogs. I know this because I get to go behind the curtain to look at my site stats in WordPress and Get Clicky. When I see what people have Googled just before landing on The Momalog, I worry. I think of that man in the song calling Dan Rather Kenneth and trying to find the right frequency.
Trying to answer an unanswerable question.
Googling “toilet paper in your pants” or “how to survive a hurricane” and ending up with me.
That sort of thing.
I worry about these people and their ability to accept random information from Google in the same way I worry about my kids handling coins that have been in other people’s pockets – you never really know where they came from.
So here’s my list.
This week’s Listicles topic was chosen by Jen from Just Jennifer. Even though she’s one of my favorite tweeps, I’m using Stasha’s rebel card this week and doing a list of 10 weird things people Google to find my site.
Top 10 Weird Things People Google Before Ending Up At The Momalog
1. “is sucking a lollipop suggestive”
My answer: “If it’s in Kim Kardashian’s mouth and it costs $25, yes. If it’s in the Land’s End catalog – well don’t get me started.“
Post responsible: Is It Just Me Or Is Lands’ End Sexing Up Their Kids Catalog?
2. “are there moms with toilet paper hanging out of ass”
My response: No comment.
It’s because of this post: Real Friends Tell You When You Have Toilet Paper Hanging Out of Your Mom Jeans
3. “afraid of Irish dance hair”
My response: Fear the wig and do it anyway.
It’s because of this post: I’m Afraid of Irish Dance Hair
4. “Guatemalan worry dolls are you supposed to throw them away”
My answer: ”They’re called worry dolls for a reason. Let’s not give them something else to worry about.”
It’s because of this post: My Favorite Vintage Toys
5. “how to make my child practice suzuki violin”
Dear novice parent: The idea behind Suzuki violin is to lure your kid into practicing music through joy and love, concealing the fact that what you are really doing is hard-core, covert strategy and manipulation. If you’re going to do Suzuki violin and stay in it for the long haul, you’re going to have to pull a lot of stuff out of your ass. I mean a lot. Lesson one: never, ever use the words “make” and “practice” in the same sentence! Good luck!
It’s because of this post: How To Do Suzuki Violin With Your Child – 10 Tips
My response: Hmph! And by the way, psycho does not have a ‘k’ in it.
It’s because of this post: All of them.
7. “people who have had too much therapy”
My response: If Joan River’s motto is, “you can never have too much plastic surgery,” mine is, “you can never have too much therapy.” Seriously. I think going into therapy and facing yourself takes huge courage. I also think continuing to go when you need it throughout your lifetime is kind of like getting a tune-up in insightfulness, so in my book, there’s no such thing as too much therapy.
It’s because of this post: My bio.
8. “where will I go after I get raptured”
My response: “I can’t tell you where you’ll be exactly when the rapture goes down, but I can tell you that the morning after the rapture you’ll be waking up wherever you usually wake up, only feeling like a complete idiot.”
Responsible post: Doomsday To-Do List
9. “washed my child’s mouth out with soap”
My response: “I hope that after you read my post you realized that washing a child’s mouth out with soap is child abuse.”
It’s because of this post: It’s Not Mister Roger’s Hood, That’s For Sure
10. “what will happen to my pet after the rapture”
My response: “If you believe you know the date the world is going to end why aren’t you also kooky enough to believe that God has a special pet-sized Hoover with kibble in it just for your chihuahua? Seek help.”
It’s because of this post: Judgement Day For Dummies – An Etiquette Guide
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