“I don’t wanna work, I just want to bang on the drum all day.” – Todd Rundgren
This week’s topic at Stasha’s Listicles comes from Varda at Squashed Mom, and I love it:
Top 10 Strange Jobs You’ve Had
…but I’m going to change it a little and give you:
Top 10 Jobs I’ve More or Less Gotten Fired From
I worked as a giant avocado, oh yes I did.
Through high school and college, before I found my calling as a writer, I had a lot of different jobs in the service industry.
A lot.
Unlike Stasha, I had at least 10 jobs before the age of 20.
I was surprisingly good at waiting tables, and probably because I’m sociable I enjoyed it. The problem was I had have a Big Mouth, so I couldn’t keep my trap shut whenever I had a rude customer.
I’d lose my temper. I’d say awful things that everyone thinks but nobody says. Once, for example, while in college I was waiting tables and also taking an art class – and I lectured two men on the virtues of the painter Edward Hopper – they wanted to move to another table that didn’t have Edward Hopper postcards laminated into the tabletop. They said it was pornography.
I chastised them for mistaking art with pornography.
Oh, and did I tell you these men were monks? They weren’t dressed like monks, and this was Mill Valley, California – but they were actual monks-in-training from the seminary in, of all places, Mill Valley. (Who knew there was a training institute for monks in M.V.? This would be the equivalent of finding a barefoot Afghani goat herder herding goats in downtown Baltimore. You’d just never think you’d see it.)
I see loneliness. The monks saw a prostitute. Go figure.
They still insisted on moving to another table, but at this point it probably had more to do with them wanting another waitress than it did with Mr. Hopper.
After I’d lose my temper I’d spill things. But never on nice customers.
I’d compulsively tell people what I thought of their assholic behavior. It was like I had a special form of Tourette’s that only afflicts waitresses who are about to be fired. I was stuck in a repetitive and predictable equation:
Rude Customer + Me Telling Them What I Think Of Them and/or Accidentally-on-Purpose Spilling Something On Them = Me Getting Fired (repeat ad nauseum)
This kept happening until I found my groove and started working as a writer – and I was never fired again. Well, not so far.
And let me tell you: I am polite to the wait staff.
Top 10 Jobs I’ve Been Fired From
(Please ignore the psychotic formatting going on in this table. WP is messing with my table.)
| Job Description | Reason for Getting Fired |
| Peppermill Girl (age 19). “Wanted. Girl to wear a flame-red satin gown with slit up the side to serve trays of hors d’oeuvres to lecherous businessmen in the lounge.”Length of employment: 2 weekends. | Customer asked me to come up to his room.Me: “But I don’t even know you.”Him: “I’ll give you $100 bucks to know me.”I poured a bowl of dipping sauce on him & walked out before they could fire me. |
| Lifeguard at Beach Pool (age 18). “Wanted: Trained lifeguard who knows CPR, lifesaving, & how to clean up poo to sit in a chair all day long doing nothing but getting sunburnt.”Length of employment: Under 2 weeks. | Had to throw a teenaged boy out of the pool for rowdiness. He came back in and went poo in the middle of the bathroom floor! and I had to clean it up.I quit, but mostly because I was bored stupid sitting up in that chair. It was nothing like Bay Watch! |
| Sandwich Maker in Deli (age 17). “Wanted: Sandwich maker in upscale health food deli. Pref. someone who does not accidentally lick fingers.”Length of Employment: 1 year. | I had just started & was making a customer a sandwich. After putting the mayo on the bread I licked my finger!Right in front of the customer!I didn’t get fired but that embarrassing! |
| Waiting Tables in a Busy Tourist Cafe (age 20). “Wanted: Kick-ass waitress with ADHD to multitask in busy tourist cafe for the Saturday 9-to-noon shift. Pref. someone who can be polite and does not lose temper.” | Unbelievablyrude customer made the mistake of snapping his fingers at me in addition to being extremely rude. I had 18 tables & it was busy so I told him to go home and “cook his own g.d. eggs.I also sort of accidentally spilled milk in his lap. But the regulars clapped!Boss fired me after my shift – said: “Do us all a favor – don’t ever work in the service industry again.” |
| Counter Person at Run-Down Salmonella Deli No One Ever Went To (age 16). “Wanted: 1 person to make sad tuna salad, chicken salad, and crappy sandwiches in our sad deli that doesn’t get any customers while listening to Todd Rundgren in the back.”Length of Employment: 1 summer. | Got into a spat with the owner who kept asking me to Windex a spot on the deli window that was permanent. Fired. |
| Working in an Organic Ice Cream Store (age 17). “Wanted: Ice Cream scooper who loves ice cream.”Length of Employment: 6 mos. | I loved working there & got all the ice cream a person could want but I couldn’t figure how to do the till at the end of the night so they had to fire me. I suck at money & math. |
| McDonalds (age 16). “Wanted: Cashier who can tolerate polyester and is able to shout.”Length of Employment: 3 shifts | This was my first job & I got it because a friend was working there and told me it was fun.I quit because I didn’t want to shout “Ordering! Big Mac!” to the kitchen, and there was polyester involved. |
| Passing out Leaflets for a Health Food Store at the Mall, Dressed as a Giant Avocado. “Wanted: Someone who has the courage to dress up like an avocado at the mall.”Length of Employment: Two weeks. | I had to hand out leaflets at the mall dressed as a giant avocado.A lot of kids from school would come to hang out there and I didn’t want to be seen dressed as a giant avocado so I spent most of my time hiding in the bathroom.Got “upgraded” to sandwich maker and agreed to work there as long as I didn’t have to wear the costume. |
| High-Impact Aerobics InstructorLength of Employment: 4 years | I was really good at this one. I taught up to 3 classes a day through college and after getting my first “real” job as a technical writer. I never got fired but my knees are shot. |
| Domino’s Pizza DelivererLength of Employment: 3 weeks. | I didn’t want to deliver to frat parties because I knew some of my fellow students at these parties, and I was embarrassed to be seen in my Domino’s Pizza getup. |
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Oh my goodness, Ado. This is hysterical. It’s good that you found your calling, outside of the service industry.
Twitter: gfunkified
I still have a Really Big Mouth but now I can just write it down. (-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Ado, you always crack me up. I can definitely relate to many of your jobs having worked in the service industry for many years. I’ve had many jobs – fired only once for not wanting to sleep with my manager. Ah, the “character” we have built up, no?
Twitter: SJM_CookiesMom
It’s amazing how prevalent that “getting fired for saying no to the boss” thing is in the service industry – isn’t it?
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Basically, you can’t work for someone else. Or dress as a giant anything.
I worked as a waitress at a Chinese restaurant for 2 years while in uni, for 3 months after uni at a Mexican place run by a crazy Moroccan guy, then 3 weeks as a bartender at a chic bar in London called Gecko. I frequently spilled whiskey all over my clothes because the bar was so freaking small, the 3 of is behind the bar kept running into each other!
Okay, not very weird jobs
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
The job at Gecko in London sounds claustrophobic, but fun!
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Your so funny! I don’t find anything at all offensive or sexual about any of those art works. C’mon, people!
I wish I had an ounce of your guts to tell people off. I’m such a wimp.
Twitter: beeswithhoney
Whao.. working as an waitress and in the service industry is really difficult. I haven’t work in that industry but I can see that I’m certainly not cut out to.
Twitter: dominiquegoh
Dominique at least you figured that out *before* ever getting a job in the service industry. Smart!
Twitter: Adothemomalog
You are my hero.
Twitter: sarcasmgoddess
(-:
Twitter: Adothemomalog
So funny, Ado! I also worked as a waitress through college, and I wish I’d had the nerve to tell some of those people off. Love the giant avocado pic!
Twitter: IzaTrapani
10 jobs my big mouth has gotten me fired from: http://t.co/oU2czs0d
Well at least you got some really good writing material out of it! I would’ve done something MUCH ruder to the guy asking me to come up to his room!
I didn’t put it in the post but I actually did say something much ruder. I said, “I’d rather f*** a porpoise.”
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Yeah pretty much what I would’ve told him too! I knew I like you Ado! I’ve never been fired for letting my mouth run but one time I was told I wasn’t gracious enough because two of my girls called off shift at the daycare (2 hrs before) because they HAD to go shoe shopping for homecoming.When I told them if they missed I’d have to write them up,my boss told me I wasn’t showing enough grace…..yeah one of the girl’s was one of HER daughters.Go figure
This SO cracked me up!!! You licking your finger in front of a customer? Priceless! It reminded me of the time I quit a waitressing job too. When I was 18, this creepy 50-something dude asked me to stir his coffee with my finger to sweeten it and then proceeded to lick his finger in front of me. I poured the creamer all over his lap and told him to shove the coffee up his ass! I never went back and sent my older brother to pick up my last paycheck!!
Twitter: BeautifulSpitUp
That is priceless! We could’ve gotten fired for our big mouths together.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
My fave is the one where you dumped the dipping sauce on the guy who propositioned you…AWESOME!
Twitter: xlmic
He was a pig! And he deserved it. Creep. All these years later – it just makes me so mad.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Wow! You really did have a lot of jobs!! Dang! I really cracked up about the red dress one.
Twitter: meganlawing
I would absolutely have loved to see you “accidentally” spill something on a rude customer! You rock!! I love how you don’t take crap from anyone and will not settle for less.
Thanks for admiring it and I do sometimes think it’s a really great (and rare) um…quality – but it does really get me into deep shit. For example lately I’ve been really mad at my friend who has turned into what I would politely term a mysoginistic pig for the way he treats women – and I told him so. Repeatedly. Anyway our friendship is now in the trash bin because of it. Well, that’s another blog post…!
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Oh I had some shity jobs through high school
NOne involving an avocado but I waited tables one summer and was told I was the most boring bar girl ever.
Love this list, made me laugh. And thanks for DM on Sunday, I am so excited to dig into it!
Twitter: NorthWestMommy
I totally love your list! I love that you got fired from a bunch of them. You were the one to say the stuff I only thought of saying! Great list!
Twitter: staceysmoments
Teenage boys are gross! Pooping in the pool should only be done by those under age 4.
Twitter: Twinisms
Oh these just brought me back to all the years I waited tables. I NEVER want to do that again. I still have nightmares about working in the service industry. Unless I own a restaurant (which, weirdly, is one of my dreams – more of a small cafe) I will never, EVER wait on another table. Except for my own kitchen table of-course.
I love your gumption. I was way too nice – though I never got propositioned so blatantly! AND I got fired once- for NO reason. To this day I have no idea why. Talk about a blow to the ego. Anyway. Holy blathering on. LOVED this list. So funny!
Twitter: januarydawn1
I’d say that Wendy Mogel (in your sidebar) would approve of these jobs because they’re like the blessings of a skinned knee, but for pay (sort of, if minimum wage counts as “pay”). The avocado picture is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in weeks. And (unrelated to post) – have you seen the video on youtube of Mogel talking about her B- book? She’s funny as hell and wise, too. I found myself wondering if maybe I couldn’t just move to LA and have her raise not only my kids but me, too.
Twitter: mannahattamamma
Deborah that is so funny – no I haven’t seen her YouTube video but going over to watch it today as we’re still home sick. (-: Thanks for pointing it out. I wonder – maybe we could all just show up on her doorstep and have her raise us and our kids and our husbands and pets? We could do an Occupy Wendy’s Doorstep type thing…?
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Boy, am I glad you’ve settled with writing (and parenting) at the end, Ado! LOL. That was quite a bundle of experiences you had!
I had a waitressing job one summer, and it only lasted for three weeks because: 1) OMG, the stuff that lecherous men tried to say/do; 2) Our shifts were per 5 hours, and throughout the whole time we were not permitted to sit down. At all. (I shouldn’t have lasted that long, really); 3) The cook, a much older man, started stalking me. Ugh, it was a disaster.
So yes, I feel your pain, sista!
Twitter: dosweatthesmall
You weren’t allowed to sit down?! I wouldn’t have lasted an hour, Sweaty. Glad you got out!
Twitter: Adothemomalog
ROFL, putting the “spit’ in hospitality(as in spitfire not the other)The avacado picture is priceless
How can anyone not LOVE that song? Too funny. And I never tried to waitress for fear of your exact scenario. None of the main job qualities are in my skill-set.
Twitter: southmainmuse
How come I wasn’t smart enough to know that I didn’t have that skill set either?
Twitter: Adothemomalog
Your list has me cracking up! Atleast you have a lot of experience
And never had to dress up as an avacado again
Sometimes I think, “Seriously!!! Your making this sh*t up!” and then I think I know she is an honest person. Then I think,”But reeeeally!! Who could make this stuff up?” You crack me up!!! What a full life. My dad would say, at least you know what you do not want to do. Always LOVE coming her for a visit. Makes me laugh out loud and gives me resources for future posts
MWAH -LV
Twitter: kindredadventur
Trust me, my life was a whole heck of a lot stranger than the shit I’m willing to tell you.
Twitter: Adothemomalog
That is wonderful.
I feel like doing listicles now.
Twitter: gdrpempress