This is the start of a new series, Other People’s Parenting, in which I out myself on how I become Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson when I’m out in public.
It’s hard for me to admit this but when it comes to other people’s parenting I’m a busy-body. A nosey-parker. I am incapable of minding my own business when I perceive a child in need. It’s impossible for me to ignore it and just pay attention to my own kids and maybe focus on fixing the deficits in my own flawed parenting. Why can’t I keep to myself when I’m out in public, particularly when I see really crappy parenting? Why? Especially when it embarrasses my tween and my husband, both of whom have developed a sixth sense where they can actually feel one of my nosey-parker episodes coming on?
If we’re at a playground, for example, and we see a crying child without a parent, they know that my attention will veer away from my own children, and I will begin to look around for the parent with a Mrs. Judgy McJudgerson look on my face, and I will not stop it until that parent appears. When they do I will watch their response to their child out of the corner of my eye, and I will judge it.
I know that in general, moms are quite possibly the most judgmental group on the planet when it comes to other parents. But I take it to an extreme, I think, when I’m out in public or reading what parents do to their kids in the news.
Did you read about that dimwit mom who left her child at Chuck E. Cheese last week after her daughter’s fifth birthday party because she just plain forgot her? Apparently she didn’t realize her mistake until it was time to get ready for school the next morning? Oh, how I judged that mom. I’m sorry but I can find no reason why a parent would forget their child at a Chuck E. Cheese late at night and not figure it out til the next morning. Was she drunk? High? I don’t care that she had 9 kids – that’s no excuse, either. Oh boy did I judge that mom.
Back when I had a career, B.C., that’s Before Christ, I took the Myers-Briggs test – it’s a personality test based on Jungian archetypes that employers like to give their employees so they can see what motivates them and what pisses them off. You answer a bunch of questions and you get assigned a type. My type turned out to be ENFJ (Extroverted, Intuitive, Feeling and…wait for it: Judgemental!). Jung has an explanation of what this means, and I’ve got one too.
His: ”ENFJs are the benevolent ‘pedagogues’ of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship.”
Mine: ENFJs are busybodies who can’t mind their own business. They embarrass their tweens in public and judge other people’s parenting without mercy, sometimes even overlooking the needs of their own children in their eagerness to correct the shocking unfairness of all the crap parenting they see in the world.
I think the reason I’m hyper-vigilant when it comes to bad parenting is because of an ancient feeling of helplessness that permeated my childhood. I was pretty much left to fend for myself by my alcoholic parents. Now as a “grown-up,” I am in control: if there is a neglected child, I feel an overwhelmingly protective need to do or say something. Add to this the fact that in all the years of my childhood, no one – not a single person, ever intervened or said anything to my parents that I know of until I was 15 and a friend’s mom yelled at my mom that she was an alcoholic and wasn’t fit to be a parent.
But mostly, the whole world of adults was struck mute. And I found that unbelievable.
After my parents died, people trickled out of the closet to tell me what a shame it all was – that they had seen it all, had known. I don’t know how I felt about all these people knowing that my parents were alcoholics, yet not doing anything to help. I always assumed they didn’t know. I’m not saying they needed to call CPS – just a kind word to me from one of them might have reassured me that I wasn’t crazy, that someone else saw what I was going through.
So now as a “grown-up,” I’m Peter Pan – I’m the mom at malls, amusement parks, playgrounds and restaurants unconsciously judging and secretly feeling outraged at bad parenting. I wish I wasn’t like this, but I am. For example, a few weeks ago there was the incident with the camouflage dad at the mall.
Crappy Parenting Situation #1
And there was another incident where a boy at a weekly class we go to had a black eye and was standing outside in a t-shirt in nearly Arctic weather.
So I asked him how he got his black eye. “Did your brother head-butt you?” I joked. “Did you get elbowed on the monkey bars?” Most kids have an epic story to tell about how they got a black eye. He said nothing.
He didn’t feel comfortable talking about it so I went back to my car, and Fi and I fretted about him some more. I tried to stop myself but I couldn’t – I went back inside the classroom to tell his mom her son was freezing.
I was pretty much a bitch at that point, to be honest. I announced to the room, “Can I get your son his jacket? It’s 42 degrees outside and he’s only in a t-shirt.” But the mom didn’t care. You know what she said?
“He’s being punished.”
!
I went back outside and looked at him. He looked really forlorn (and fucking freezing). I said, “You don’t want to tell me how you got the shiner?”
He said no.
“Honey, did someone hit you?” I said.
He didn’t say anything. This said everything.
“Are you okay?” I said.
He shook his head no.
“Listen,” I said. “If you ever need any help, I’m here every week.”
I talked to the teacher about it, and she told me she would keep an eye on things. I have since watched this mom in action and looked for other signs of distress in her children – the boy seems fine now, and just because she has a hundred kids and her car is plastered with in-your-face bumper stickers that I may not agree with, just because she chooses to punish her children in a way that I find appalling – it doesn’t mean that he is being abused. I hope I did the right thing by just letting him know that I’m there.
Crappy Parenting Situation #2
Parenting situation #2: So last week we went to get Ella a haircut. In the parking lot, I heard a little girl who appears to be the same age Ella – 7 – say, “But my legs hurt,” to her mom. The mom was walking pretty quickly but she did lean into the girl to ask her what hurt exactly, so it seemed okay. But then suddenly the mom was beside me asking for money and telling me that she had run out of gas. I recognized immediately that this mom was a drug addict.
And oh the emotions I felt in an instant. Standing there, watching that little girl have to deal with the unending burden of a drug-addicted mother.
I had the other-worldly experience of seeing all of us: this desperate drug addict who was dragging her poor child along with her on her quest for More. My seven-year-old holding my hand looking at her seven-year-old holding her hand, the two of them appraising each other the way seven-year-old girls do. Fi squeezing my hand and doing that Morse-code SOS thing she does because she knows this is an emotionally tricky situation. She feels sorry for the little girl and is Morse-coding me to do something, like scoop up that little girl, kidnap her, and take her home with us away from the drug addict and her own bleak future.
And I could see myself saying No to the woman.
It all happened in the blink of an eye. Ten eyes really, if you count all of us looking at each other.
The woman saw that I was a lost cause and quickly found another mom who was driving a car. She stopped the car and gave the mom the same story about running out of gas. The woman listened to her a lot longer than I did, before saying no and driving off.
I gripped my girls hands tightly and yanked them across the street, away, away…
Ella: “Why did you tell the mommy you wouldn’t give her any money?”
Me: “Because I thought she might use it for bad things.”
Ella: “What bad things?”
I don’t think I even knew where to begin to answer her or if I even did. I was relieved to walk into the children’s haircut place where I sat down in the lobby to lose myself in Us magazine while waiting for Ella to get a haircut.
But it wasn’t to be. Because I am a nosey-parker parent and I can’t find the Off switch.
Crappy Parenting Situation #3
Parenting situation #3 started even before I plonked my ass in the chair and had a chance to escape by reading about the latest celebrity cheating scandal. Twins had come in – a boy and a girl – seven or eight years old, along with their nanny, their tall mother, and the younger sibling who was getting a haircut. The boy began trying to play the video game but didn’t know how to use the console. He politely asked – several times – if someone (meaning, his nanny) could show him how to use it. But she didn’t seem to hear him. I could just see his helplessness go around and around. This went on for a while. So busy-body me, I signaled to Fi that he might need some help using the game player. She showed him how to use it, and the world seemed right again. But as soon as the video began to work, the sister took the controls from the boy, pushed him out of his seat, and began playing the video game.
The boy began to whine that it was unfair.
The nanny, who had not been paying attention (obviously, otherwise maybe she would have helped him use the thing in the first place – see how judgmental I am?) asked him what was wrong and he began to whine louder. Finally the mom came over. Without even understanding what had happened, she scolded the boy for “not waiting his turn” while is evil twin sister sat there hogging the remote and smirking.
Me in the background eyeballing the whole scene. Judging the shit out of all of it.
The boy looked at his wimpy nanny, who was obviously disempowered by the mom and was not allowed to make any real decisions. The nanny too told him to wait his turn, then suggested wimpily to his twin sister that it wasn’t nice to butt in like that and hog things. The sister totally ignored her. Fi whispered, “Mom, did you see that? That girl isn’t nice.”
The boy totally lost his nuts then – I mean, who wouldn’t? He was surrounded by monumental incompetence, parenting by watered-down committee, and a mean sister. The mom came by again and got really mad at the boy for feeling upset. Then the mom stomped off to go hawk the haircutter again. The nanny turned around and looked at me – nosey-parker mom that I am sitting behind her and watching it all like a Roman watching prisoners get fed to the lions – and she smiled and shook her head.
“Are you the nanny?” I asked her. (See? I can’t shut up, can I? Why can’t I just shut up?)
“Yes,” she said, laughing almost. “I sure am.”
“Must be hard,” I said.
“You have no idea,” she said.
What I wanted to say was, so grow some balls and make that girl play fair and give her brother the God damned remote, but all I did was smile and look out the window…looking to see if the drug-addicted mom was still out there with her little girl. But they had disappeared.
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Wait…you mean not all moms are like this…I do the same things you do! A child cannot always stand up for themselves I feel if we can help we should.
I was in a similar situation at the mall. There was a little boy, about 3 running from store to store, no parent in sight. I tracked down mall security. The mom had decided to sit in the food court and ignore her children. Not concerned at all, It amazes me, if i can’t see one of my children for more than 2 seconds I flip out. I do random headcouts, everything lol.
I think you’re just being a good mom, and a good person, looking out for those who can’t look out for themselves!
Oh my God – that mom sitting at the food court is appalling! Like…70s mom! It’s no longer a time when you can just let your kids run around a mall without worrying about abduction. So glad there are other moms like me out there, I don’t feel so judgey even though I am!
I am super judgy and I really don’t feel bad about it. I’m way judgiet, however, with my friends than I am with strangers. The toddler & I were out to lunch with a friend and her toddler and about halfway through the meal my friend took the toddler out of the highchair & let her run like a maniac through the (rather toddler unfriendly) restaurant with her back turned. To say I was flabbergasted would be an understatement. I lost a little bit of respect for her as a parent that day.
That is a tricky one. We are more restrained with our children in restaurants than a few of my friends and I’ve been there. But take heed: there is always the flip-side of that, when you go out to lunch with your perfect friend and her perfect tot and yours acts up and you feel judged! It’s horrible but in a different way!
It is so hard to know when to step in. I feel your torture, but I do have a satisfying story to tell you. I was driving down a two lane 50 mph hour road when I was passed at blazing speed by a car with an unrestrained child in it. I called 911 and there happened to be a state trooper going in the opposite direction who responded within a minute to the dispatcher. I watched him pull a u-turn, turn on the flashers, and pull the idiots over. Nosey-Parkers unite. Ellen
YAY ELLEN! BRAVO!!!!
PS: What an idiot parent that was, huh?!
Ellen, Hell yea! Way to go.
Ado, I think we are sisters. Truly. I am exactly the same way. Can’t let anything go by if I sense a child is in trouble. My husband thinks I’m going to get beat up some day, but you know what? Fuck it. I’d rather get my ass kicked and have a kid know that someone sees what is going on then keep silent in the face of suffering. You have my absolute and total respect for saying something to that boy who had the black eye. (It tears me up just to think about him standing out in the cold without a jacket!!)
Let’s create a Rebel Mom Army against shitting parenting. I’m so in.
Thanks Jennifer. (-:
Holy moly. I can’t begin to tell you how often I am in public places and see some mouth-breather treat their kids terribly. I’m always standing up and saying “Did you see *that*?” like anyone else cares or does anything. It’s really frustrating.
I know!
Parenting is challenging enough without that whole shift into realizing that many other parents are just downright unqualified. It’s a horribly depressing reality that always hits me full force whenever I’m stuck in the line at Disneyland.
Again, I love this post. That first crappy parenting situation? Had me welling up. No jacket as punishment? Really? That just breaks my heart.
You’re a good mom, a good person to intervene. To say something. It matters.
It’s tough to watch crappy parenting in action, but, usually, I try (keyword: try) to give the “crappy” parent the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes, however, sometimes this (or giving the benefit of the doubt) is impossible. Some parents are unreasonably. Some parents shouldn’t be parents at all. And for these parents, I usually do my best to let the child know that in spite of their parents, they are loved by someone and that someone cares.
Ugh, when you asked if the little boy was ok, and he said no? That breaks my heart. I just wouldn’t know what to do.
When it comes to other people’s parenting, I can’t seem to mind my own beeswax: http://t.co/OA1jqACf
So glad you stepped in and did what you could. As you say it would have made such a difference for you growing up. I hope the boy with the shiner feels like he can ask you for help!
Thanks Robbie.
Wow, this post really resonated with me because I am the exact same way (but was also neglected as a child as well). I really hurt for that boy with the black eye, I think you letting him know you are there every week at least showed him he was not alone in the world. I cannot look away or keep my mouth shut either and if I do, it haunts me for days. I’ll feel like if there was even a 1% chance I could have helped that child and said nothing, that’s the worst possible thing ever. But really, the only way people are going to stop abuse and being irresponsible behavior with kids is if they are called out for it. My husband really is afraid one day I’m going to come home one day with an extra child that I had to rescue from a bad situation or who was just left or neglected by a parent. It’s a valid fear – haha! Sorry for going on and on…love this post. Keep being nosy and speaking up
Thank you, Anna. Your husband and mine can go out for a beer while we rescue all the neglected kids out there…
In my former life I was a social worker in CPS. If more people would grow some balls, step in and say something when they see things that are obviously amiss the world would be a lot kinder to abused and neglected children. I’m all for minding your own business when you see an adult acting a fool but when their stupid actions endanger a child then it crosses the line into everybody’s business. I’ve seen horrible things that nobody should ever have to see and every night when I go to bed I see the faces of some of the children that I couldn’t help.
Oh – wow – you were on the front lines. I admire you for that. I don’t think I could ever be a social worker. But yes, there is a kind of unspoken permission in our society to look the other way when parents are obviously not up to the task – I wouldn’t know what to do if I were a social worker and had to watch a neglected or abused kid going back to their crappy parents. That would slay me.
You are like a real life What Would You Do Episode. And I am proud of you and right there with you. I am the mom in the neighborhood everyone goes to when something is amuck. I have a hard to just standing by.
I pride myself on not judging other parents and their decisions.
BUT, when I see things that are disturbing and CLEARLY a case of poor parenting, yes, I do. I judge. And I itch to say something too. But I don’t. Because ironically, I don’t want to be judged as some nosy person.
It’s so frustrating.
Alison you are wise.
Great post. Very few of us are not judgmental. We try not to be but its impossible when you see people doing hurtful things. Heartbreaking incident you describe about the boy standing out in the cold. Wow. I agree that when you simply tell a kid that you understand what they’re going through, it helps. So, bravo to you for wanting to right the wrongs! And doing something about it.
Thank you for saying that. (-:
Ugh, how horrible! Especially the kid with no coat. Good for you for saying something.
Thanks, I’m glad I did too.
Don’t ya just want to beat the crap out of some parents? I commend you for offering some kindness to that poor freezing boy with the black eye. I might’ve thrown a shoe at the mom.
Good idea. Why didn’t I think of it?
I hate to be obnoxious and post a link to my own blog in the comments but this reminded me so much of this: http://my3littlebirdsblog.com/2012/02/a-broken-people.html. Let’s just say that I am your daughter in these stories, watching my mother overcompensate for her dysfunctional family even as a 70 year old. She’s taught me so much. Because of her I intervene. I call 911, I call CPS. I call the principal or alert the dance teacher. I think your girls will too. It’s one positive in this sad legacy.
Okay I’m heading over to read your post now. Thanks Mary for putting a positive spin on the possible outcome of my over-compensating for my dysfunctional family of origin as it relates to my own daughters! I do see traits of serious compassion in them, and of action, a thinking of others that makes me proud…so, so far so good at least.
I am right there with you. Try not to be judgy, but when it comes to kids and neglect and crapola parenting, oh, I want to snatch the broken-hearted, mistreated ones right up and take them home with me. Not that I’m mama of the year. Far from it. But it does rip me up to stand back and watch. I don’t blame you for stepping in. I applaud it, actually.
Thanks Sarah – and I’m not mama of the year either which kind of makes my judgey side judge me, too. If that makes any sense. Ah, motherhood!
I do try not to judge but the older I get the worse I get. The one thing I REALLY can’t stand… ok two.
Babies at concerts/ballgames/loud events – it’s so not good for them and they have no idea what’s happening. Secondly, children at the drug store at 11 at night. BED TIME people %*@:-)
I completely 2nd and 3rd that Jaime! When I was a new mom the wilder members of one of my playgroups invited me to go see an outdoor show/concert – all of us met up there with our tots in the strollers etc. The minute I got there I felt so out of place and knew it wasn’t for us -totally loud rock, my tot was freaked out, I RAN from there. it was just like a frat party only the frat members now were older and had kids. Not good.
Oh how I am like you. Drives my sister crazy. First of all, regarding, “I don’t care that she had 9 kids” NINE KIDS!!!!!!!!
That boy with the black eye, oh my heart hurts. I wish I could have been there with you to hold your hand and we could have heart together.
I had a great upbringing. I’m giving my son as good an upbringing as I can with the help of my husband and family, but he’ll always miss the all-important bio-dad who chose her over us.
When it comes to kids…I feel like we can’t do enough for ours or others.
Oh wow! very detailed post about your extreme parenthood judgmentary habits.
I, like you, judge bad parenting, especially those extreme overly-stupid cases of parents doing shitty things to their kids. That just brakes my heart.
One thing tho is that I also try to assess if the situation seems common or normal for the parent. I am an awesome mom and extremely loving towards my kid and I have been misjudged in a couple of ocassions because some bitch just looked at a snapshot of my life. A snapshot. We can’t build a case out of a snapshot. Of course, it also depends on the situation, like the one you described on the forgotten kid at Chucky Cheez, that one… seriously, there is not even debate on it.
Very entertaining post, as usual Ado.
Reading all the comments and the experiences breaks my heart for the kids. I can’t bear having a children then what? Let them take good care of other people? No way! I want my child to have the best life ever. I will not dare to leave her to others and let others hurt her.
Being “judgy” is like when you poo poo someone for giving their baby formula or child a candy bar in the morning. You are simply watching out for the kids that appear as though no one else is doing it! So, thank you for being a judgy bud-insky! I run to the opposite extreme, often too afraid and unsure of myself to intervene.
Sitting at the DMV I once saw a woman being verbally abusive and downright cruel to her young children. Another woman got up and brought back some coloring books for the kids, complimenting them loudly for their terrific behavior in a very boring situation. Subtle, and definitely not confrontational. Hopefully it got some kind of message across.
Thanks Kim. (-:
When do we step in to parent other people’s parents? @AdoTheMomalog http://t.co/LYtQE564 #yeahwrite48
I have to admit, I started reading your post and was cringing a little. Because last weekend, it was my almost 4 year-old on the playground, crying, with no parent in sight. I was very close and could see him, but was standing closer to the soccer field where my special needs child was practicing(and where he really needs extra supervision). I got to my younger one quickly- and could see him the whole time, but got major disapproving looks from the moms on my older son’s team, who can just let their kids practice and therefore be right there on the playground. I don’t have that luxury.
But, the other situations you described- those are totally crazy!
Shell – thanks for your comment. This is a perfect example of why I hate the fact that I always rush to judgement on the absent parent – because I know that it’s only a snapshot of a moment in that parent’s life, you know? So really, it isn’t fair. but still I do it, even though I “know” I don’t know the whole story!
Also, as I get comments in my email from this, I keep getting “Who down with OPP – yeah you know me!” stuck in my head.
That’s terrible! (-:
This is going to sound awful, but I think I’m more judgmental of my son’s friends parents than anyone else. I don’t know whether I’m just so focused on what I have going on or that I’m just lucky, but I haven’t witnessed a lot of flat out awful parenting in public. Maybe I’ve just blocked it out. Instead, I find myself judging people I know, even though I don’t know their whole story, in an effort to make sure my sons are surrounded by people who won’t lead them down the wrong path. (Whatever that means.)
That might not be judgmental – it may be you are simply discerning. I do this too.
Foot in mouth. (I tell myself this over and over and over and over and… well, you get it. Right?) Because whenever I rush to judgement, 99.999% of the time I get put right back in place… ugh.
It’s called the karmic boomerang.
I’d like to think I’m beyond the whole “judging” mentality, but that would be an outright lie. I spend way too much time out in the general public thinking WTF? How/why/for what reason are these people parents?
I’d like to think that all this good you are putting out in the world will come back to you, even if it’s motivated initially by judgement!
I think you were given a gift for understanding situations and people – a gift of critical assessment. But without empathy and compassion it will never be effective – the people it’s aimed at will have no hope of change. Judging (summing a situation up) is not wrong, only the negative emotions that come with it are wrong.
I feel really nervous to write this.
Goodness, WHY? Thanks for your comment Jennie. (-:
oh, this is hard! You never can see the whole back story…but when so many things point to something bad, I think it’s ok to step in. Good for you!
I know! Thanks Tara. (-:
I’m somewhere between disgust and broken-heart-edness… to be honest, before I had a baby, I was far more sympathetic whereas these days I can’t STAND to see a child in any distress, or what I perceive to be distress, anyway. Woe to the parents when Dane gets to preschool!
Uh-oh!
Oh my goodness! I’m the same way. It annoys my husband to no end. I just can’t stand to see kids mistreated. I’m glad I’m not alone in Judgers Anonymous. Hi I’m Cam and I’m a judgy mommy! LOL!
The world needs more “nosy” moms ( and I am one too!). It takes a village after all: http://t.co/pLAIgpk2 @AdoTheMomalog
Thank you, thank you!
Wow. As odd as this may sound, I am so proud of you. Fine, there is a thin line between judging and genuine concern, but Ado – you seem to be firmly on the side of genuine concern.
Someone mentioned you are a walking “What would you do” TV show. I agree. And, like you, I do my best to speak up when kids are involved.
Thank you for being involved!
Oh – okay, Lenore – that gave me the sniffles just reading it. Hand-flapping too! Thank you! Sniffle!
It is hard to not judge. And I hate the feeling of being judged, so I think I shouldn’t judge as much. It does sound like you’re coming from a place of caring – not judging someone’s parenting decisions just because they’re different from yours.
It’s caring but definitely mixed in with a little too much Mrs. Judgey McJudgerson for my taste!
Thanks Katie (-:
this is truly awesome.
the kid at school with the shiner? that brought tears to my eyes- when you told him you’re there every week.
It is truly heartbreaking when we see children in less than ideal situations. The one that gets me the most is the (alleged) drug-addict. That’s the child in the most danger. I seriously doubt reporting it or stepping in would do anything positive – or lasting. Hopefully that child has something to hang on to outside of the situation.
Then again, I was just recently “that mom” while leaving our local Y. My daughter went running ahead and wouldn’t listen to my “Stop. Stop right now!” as she dashed onto a sidewalk close to a street. A mom loading her kids into a car looked at me as if I had grown pinwheels out of my ears because I wasn’t running after her soon enough. Sigh.
All of us moms get both sides of the judgement deal – judging, being judged. You’re so right: sigh.
All of those situations warrant a little — or a lot of — judging. I got a little teary when you were talking to the boy with the shiner. So heartbreaking.
I often wonder if I get judged at the playground when I can’t possibly tend to all of the requests of my three (4 yo twins and a 2 yo). Sometimes they have to wait. Sometimes, like in the instance of the twins you saw, I don’t see the incident, and I don’t truly know what happened, who was first, or who wronged the other one. Twins are tricky, and it’s hard to tell sometimes. But I would like to think that I have a healthy balance of tending to them when they need it and not tending to them all the time so that they realize they can resolve an issue themselves. And now I’m rambling…
With twins you’ve got your hands full so I’m even impressed that you can even comment on the blog! (-:
good, good stuff: RT Judging other people’s parenting: http://t.co/uNlQg6iR @AdoTheMomalog
Thanks for the RT Christina! (-:
Yes.Moms are judgiest people on the planet.And sometimes that’s good. @AdoTheMomalog: Judging other people’s parenting: http://t.co/Z1ANjeT7
You are a better person than me. Can you leave a kid without a jacket as punishment? Yeesh. What an asshole. I think you are well within your rights to feel for these kids. Plus you’re trying to be an example for your own kids. This is why I avoid other people. Great post.