Our cat, The Cat Formerly Known As Biko (pronounced “beek-oh”) (I know, isn’t it an awful name?) has requested anonymity on this blog. From now on he would like to be known as “Barry White.” If you would like to know why, click here.
Mr. White has finally returned from the pet hospital. He’s back to his old puffed-up self, pretending to be a fearsome Jaguar stalking antelope on the Serengeti, when really, he’s just a house cat chasing flies on the lawn.
It cost a small fortune to spring him out of the pet hospital. The equivalent of three iPads, if you must know. Or one Canon EOS DSLR camera. Or six pairs of Armani sunglasses.
Or three-and-a-half KitchenAid mixers or fourteen American Girl dolls. Or fourteen hundred individually wrapped paper fans from the Dollar Store.
You see where I’m going with this. It’s hard to stop the calculating.
And yes, my mind went there in real time as the vet was ringing it all up and I was handing her my ATM card.
You may already know this, but I’m not the world’s biggest animal lover. I cringe when I see my friends driving around with their 70 lb “doggie” on their lap, because I just can’t relate. I’ve got friends who sleep on their beds with two labradors. Friends who smooch their dogs even though those same dog lips have been licking their own unmentionable nether-regions. I know that my opinions about the pet fanaticism that’s currently in vogue are unpopular, so I pretty much keep them to myself. I have two cats – one showed up on our doorstep as a stray kitten and although I tried hard to off-load it onto another family, there were no takers so he’s ours now and I think I might love him. But I don’t have cat paraphernalia, paw print key chains, or “Cat lover” bumper stickers on my car. I don’t buy jewel-encrusted collars for them or spend a whole lot of time mollycoddling them. I buy the cheapest cat food possible even though it’s probably horse meat. I am the furthest thing from a cat lady.
I love him enough, though. I feed him. I bailed him out. And I was gutted when we found out that he was sick.
I haven’t told my husband how much the hospital bill was. Since he’s from the auld sod, which was until recently considered a third world country, my husband actually believes that animals belong outdoors earning their keep on the farm, not inside, hogging the duvet. He believes that if an animal is inside, it should be on a dinner plate.
We aren’t sure how Mr. White got sick or why he went into kidney failure, so the vet asked me about what he might have gotten into around the house, like antifreeze or anything toxic. That’s when I remembered: Fi’s science project was on oil pollution. And the liquid left over from her project was so toxic that her teacher “returned” it to me at carpool. She asked me to take the full bucket of oil spill home because it was too toxic for them to pour down the drain at school. It might leach into the ground, she said. So I had to drive home balancing a full bucket of oil spill slopping in the car.
I was okay with it – it couldn’t have been worse than all the other toxic shit that’s been growing in the back of my car.
When we got home I put it on the driveway beside the vat of oil from the Thanksgiving turkey we deep-fat fried which is still sitting on the driveway in the exact same place my husband fricasseed it, back in November. I figured he was thinking about where to dispose of the turkey oil so I put the bucket there hoping he might know what to do with it. We told him that the teacher had given us instructions to dispose of it properly, and that we had no idea what this meant.
So without telling us, under cover of night, he apparently poured it down a hole in the front yard.
We know he did this because of the telltale bits of sorbent, cotton balls, and sludge he left behind.
So when the vet asked me if our cat had gotten into anything, I told him my theory that my Irish husband was maybe trying to indirectly do away with the cat, by letting him nibble on Fiona’s science experiment. I gave him my spiel about how Irish people think farm animals belong outside and how cruel that is, how archaic and farmer-like. The vet (Dr. Fitzpatrick – doh!) said that my husband being Irish didn’t have anything to do with anything, and probably didn’t cause any kidney failure either.
I kept this minor detail from my husband, because I was annoyed that he had used our yard as a covert dumping ground without our permission.
You see? This is how comedic our little family is.
Anyhoo, since Barry White is out of the woods, I can show you the text messages that flew back and forth between my husband and our tween in an apparent attempt to cast blame on whoever’s fault it is that the cat got sick.
Did someone say colonoscopy? Then you must watch the Billy video, again.
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1. I am thrilled to see that Mr. White is alive and kicking.
2. I laughed lots.
3. “if an animal is inside, it should be on a dinner plate.” I might have a new man crush.
Twitter: dadofthedecade
@AdoTheMomalog made me laugh a lot: http://t.co/9OwidqDW
This was really funny! I’m glad you broke the ice by announcing that you don’t believe in carrying pets around in their own little custom-made handbags and haven’t filled your house with 1000 catnip-laced scratching posts. You’ve given me the confidence to announce that our cat is my HUSBAND’S cat, and although I don’t wish him ill, I’m also not interested in feeding him the stinky wet cat food that he needs to have chopped up because of his “delicate stomach,” or cleaning up the vomit he leaves everywhere when he gets nervous or lonely. I have 5 kids. The cat is more high maintenance than any of them. Whew, thanks for letting me vent that. I’d like to believe that I’d still spring him from the vet – if it ever comes to that, I’ll refer to this post for the strength to do the right thing.
Twitter: RobynHTV
Let’s start a support group for parents who are too busy raising their kids to give two shits about their pets. (-:
How Not To Dispose of Your Child’s Toxic Science Fair Experiment: http://t.co/JkMoP55K
Holy shit! So funny. I love the texts. So glad kitty is ok.
Twitter: jlweinberg
Me too, really.
hilarious….and I am not a cat person! I cannot even imagine how hard it was for you to fork out the $$ for vet bill since you aren’t an animal fanatic
Twitter: momma23monkeys
While I don’t condone dumping toxic substances into a hole in your yard, that text exchange was hilarious! He’s funny. As is this post. Nicely done. Been there with the vet bills myself. Wish I could count on the stupid animals to look after me as well…
Twitter: B4Steph
I’m so glad Mr. White is feeling better. I hope you and the hubby determine where the well is in relation to the septic tank. That’s an important thing to know.
Twitter: CynthiaMeents
Hubby seems to know where it is…I think.
Poor kitty! Glad he is ok. Love the texts. They are hilarious!
Twitter: sarcasmgoddess
Thanks! (-:
I had cats and I loved them, but I didn’t give them jeweled collars, put them in clothes, nor let them sleep on the bed or lick me with their dirty tongues. We did spend a lot of money on vet bills! (vaccine shots, etc)
Glad Mr. White is okay.
And totally died laughing at the texts.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
Thanks Alison. Those texts killed me too when I saw them, I thought: blog fodder. (-:
Not a cat person, nor a fried turkey person either. I do love that his new name is Barry White
Twitter: notwifezilla
Then perhaps you are a deep-fried cat person? (-:
Hhahha I’m glad kitty is okay! I love cats and dogs, but I’m not someone you thinks you should be letting them kiss your mouth either
Twitter: MayorGia
LOL – glad kitty is ok but that was really funny. That vet bill was a killer – yikes! Did you tell your husband he owes you 3 iPads now? haha! Love the texts at the end. Where are you suppose to dispose of toxic projects and oil anyway?
Twitter: mommy_padawan
I never quite found that out.
Poor kitty. I laughed out loud at your husband thinking if an animal is inside it should be on a dinner plate. Sounds like my dad! I tend to agree with you though- I allow the dog to live here but I’m not a animal person. You will not see the dog sleeping in my bed, or riding in my lap in the car or kissing my face. Ew. No. Thanks for the giggles!
Twitter: iamnotthemaid
I’m just gonna come out and say it – I don’t like cats (probably mostly because I’m allergic). But Barry White? How cool is that!?! Glad he is alright – and as usual you just killed it with your blog.
Twitter: kerstinauer
Well thank you Kerstin. (-:
First of all, Barry White is about the best cat name ever! And I kind of love your husbands suggestion to light a match – dinners at your house must be hilarious (as long as all the non-feline animals stay on the plate). I generally feel the same as you do about pets, but am equally sheepish about admittind it. Great post!
Twitter: mamzungu
I’m shocked at how many non-animal fanatics are coming out of the closet on this one!
I’m so glad “Barry” is better!!! I love the texts and your vet’s refusal to believe it had anything to do with your husband being Irish.
Did the vet say anything about what kind of food to feed him? I remember having to switch foods after our cat went through that. Something about the minerals in the food making it more likely his urinary tract would clog??
Twitter: S_Supermommy
He told us that so far so good, no need to change his food (and I did tell him what we feed him!) – we have another vet visit in a month and he’ll have another blood test then and hopefully things will be as they are now.
This was fantastic. I love the text messages. So much.
A woman in our old neighborhood used to carry her cat in one of those Baby Bjorn baby carriers. I swear that animal looked so freaking miserable–and was probably trying to suck her breath out & kill her for making it look so undignified. I applaud both your pet restraint and your willingness to pony up for the vet bill–those are the contradictions of parenthood, methinks. But mostly I love the text messages because I thought my husband and I were the only people who played the blame game in multi-platform communication tools.
Twitter: mannahattamamma
HAHAHA! “playing the blame-game on multi-platform tools” HAHAHA! Thanks for the laugh Deborah. “Social media: yet another way to spread family dysfunction.” Ha!
So glad Barry White is OK!
Twitter: SusannaLHill
I’m an animal lover, but I have to say – I cringe when I see folks driving with their pooch in their lap. So unsafe!
I am glad Barry White is recovering. The back and forth texts were funny. And the entire story reminds me of the book, “The Secret Science Project that Almost Ate the School” by Judy Sierra. My boys love that book!
Twitter: lenore_diane
THat book sounds like a must-buy! On my list!
Hi-larious! Those texts! I’m know I’m fairly new to your blog but I already look forward to coming here. You are quickly becoming one of my favorites.
Twitter: heidicave
Thanks so much Heidi, that’s a high compliment!!
Hahaha!! Those text messages are HILARIOUS!!! That cat better live a VERY long time for the cash you spent to save one of his 9 lives
OH ADO YOU MADE ME LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!! That was HILARIOUS. I swear that text exchange could have been between anyone in our home. I’m very glad Mr. White (Biko) is feeling better.
Twitter: GisSilent
This whole post was great, but the texts at the end, priceless. Glad the cat is doing better.
Twitter: michellelongo
Thanks (-:
somehow i almost missed this. and that would have been a TRAGEDY OF EPIC PROPORTIONS. AWESOME.
(you know when I go all capsy, by george, I MEAN IT.)
Twitter: smushyfacebaby
Thanks PS: I LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE SHOUT IN CAPS BECAUSE THEY WANT TO EMPHASIZE SOMETHING. (-:
Septic, well water – eh. It all ends up together in the end, no?
Great back and forth. Full disclosure: I’m far from a cat person.
Twitter: kdwald
There are so many of us out there. I had no idea!
I love that the cat is okay, but I ADORED that you had to bring home a bucket of oil spill. I ADORED that your husband had not disposed of the November turkey oil (our basketball net is still laying on the ground from the earthquake or the hurricane or the locust, something like that). And finally I snorted about the disposal, IN THE FRONT YARD. Good stuff! Ellen
Twitter: SensibleMoms
You snorted, you actually snorted! Wow! (-:
You know, I feel the same way about our pets. They suck out the money but of course we’d do it for them. Just had to have calcified poop removed from one of our cats to the tune of 1000! Glad he’s ok!
Twitter: amandaaustin
Those text messages are priceless! So glad Mr. Biko/Barry White is OK.
Twitter: SaidKristin
Yes the post practically wrote itself, now that I’ve got a “texter” aka a tween maybe I will be able to write posts more easily. (-:
I know exactly what you mean about people riding around with Dobermans in the front seat. Or the ones who make out with their poodle that just pleasured itself. Just raunchy. Though I’m not a cat person at all, I’m glad yours if feeling better.
Twitter: dudeofthehouse
Oh that was so funny.
I love the part of the text message where your daughter’s like “!” or “??” That exchange is just priceless. Speaking of prices, I have been there with the vet bills and it is just awful to think of the other ways that money could have been spent. Totally hear you on all the ipads you could have purchased. Boo. Glad kitty is doing okay now.
Twitter: sundayspill
Thanks Sarah. (-: