I just finished reading The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson – an “engagingly irreverent book” that shows you how to spot a psychopath. You may be wondering why I read this book. It wasn’t because I was wondering if I’m a psychopath (although I do have some of the traits on the list). I just thought it would be neat to be able to spot a psychopath. Don’t you? For example, this afternoon I identified the manager of the supermarket as one, and it made me feel better because he has a total God-complex even though he has no idea where the rice cakes are.
The book takes you through a 20-point checklist that psychiatrists use to spot and diagnose psychopaths. It’s called The Hare Checklist, named after its inventor, Robert Hare. If you score a certain number of yes’s on the list you are a psychopath. And apparently there is no cure for it: once a psychopath, always a psychopath. There is no treating them because they lack empathy.
The thing is, I mean – what concerns me about the list is that…my children have almost every trait on the list – especially Item 9: Parasitic lifestyle.
|
The Hare PCL-R Checklist |
||
|
Trait |
Do my kids have it? |
|
| Item 1: | Glibness/superficial charm |
✓ |
| Item 2: | Grandiose sense of self-worth |
✓ |
| Item 3: | Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom |
✓ |
| Item 4: | Pathological lying |
✓ |
| Item 5: | Conning/Manipulative |
✓ |
| Item 6: | Lack of remorse or guilt |
✓ |
| Item 7: | Shallow affect |
✓ |
| Item 8: | Callous/lack of empathy |
✓ |
| Item 9: | Parasitic lifestyle |
✓ |
| Item 10: | Poor behavioral controls |
✓ |
| Item 11: | Promiscuous sexual behavior |
− |
| Item 12: | Early behavior problems |
✓ |
| Item 13: | Lack of realistic long-term goals |
✓ |
| Item 14: | Impulsivity |
✓ |
| Item 15: | Irresponsibility |
✓ |
| Item 16: | Failure to accept responsibility for own actions |
✓ |
| Item 17: | Many short-tem marital relationships |
- |
| Item 18: | Juvenile delinquency |
✓ |
| Item 19: | Revocation of conditional release |
✓ |
| Item 20: | Criminal versatility |
✓ |
Doubting me? Think I’m a hyper-critical Californian mom who’s had too much therapy? Let me take you through our Sunday afternoon.
My husband had been out of town for ten days so my parenting skills were pretty threadbare. I was on the couch reading my book and minding my own business. My children were nearby repeating the word noodles but pronouncing it nyoodles because they know it really bugs me (which was very Item 8: Lack of empathy of them). They kept repeating it even though I had banned them from saying it after they said it for 30 minutes, nonstop. I had even put Ella in a timeout – the first timeout she’d had in a year – because she wouldn’t stop whisper-shouting nyoodles through Fi’s violin practice and I was about to go beserk. So I put her in a time-out and she tiptoed up the stairs and away from the timeout area which is so obviously Item 16: Failure to accept responsibility for own actions. After returning her to the timeout, and promising to stay there until her time was up (Item 5: Conning/manipulative), she again crept up the stairs away from the scene compulsively shout-whispering nyoodles, the banned word, which was classic Item 19: Revocation of conditional release and Item 14: Impulsivity.
So my children were bored, and I was on the couch reading about psychopaths. They had no right to be bored because I had taken them to fun kid’s church in the morning, followed by horse riding, followed by a kid-friendly lunch at Cafe Rio. Ok? Only then did I indulge in a well-earned rest on the couch with my book and what I call “free play,” aka negligent parenting. They romped and played for the afternoon before getting very Item 3: Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom. That is when they turned on me like hyenas, which to me was very Item 18: Juvenile delinquency and extremely Item 12: Early behavior problems.
Fiona: “Mommy if you go outside with us we’ll stop saying nyoodles!” <insert hyena-like guffawing here.>
This was both Item 1: Glibness/superficial charm and Item 5: Conning/manipulative because let’s face it: it wasn’t true.
Ella: “We love you, Mommy. Please get off the couch. If you don’t come outside with us and play I’m going to be very sad!” <cue the fake crying>
Item 1: Glibness/superficial charm, and Item 5: Conning/manipulative and Item 7: Shallow affect.
Fiona: “We promise to stop saying nyoodles! But if you don’t get off the couch we will never stop saying nyoodles!”
This in my opinion was very Item 13: Lack of long-term, realistic goals.
Ella: (Scrutinizing my face.) ”You look very pretty today, mommy. But what are those little red squiggly lines all around your nose?”
(I did not look at all pretty in my horrid, ill-fitting shorts and my husband’s shirt so this was very Item 4: Pathological Lying and also Item 6: Callous/lack of empathy because she’s already asked me about the red lines 20 times and knows that I have inherited broken capillaries from the Lithuanian side of my family.)
Fiona: “What’s your book about?”
Me: “How to spot a psychopath.”
Fiona: “How come you need to know how to spot a psychopath?”
Me: “Because I am a parent.”
Ella: “Why do you try to put makeup on top of the squiggly red lines?”
Item 10: Poor behavioral controls.
Me: “I told you, Ella – to cover them up.”
I tried to return to my book but was reading the same damn paragraph over and over again, and now I was worried about spider veins, and ageing.
Ella: “But makeup doesn’t work because I can still see them, and if I can see them – everybody can.”
Me: “Thank you for sharing, Ella.”
Ella: “So why do you do it?”
Item 6: Lack of remorse or guilt. Item 14: Irresponsibility. Item 15: Impulsivity. Item 10: Poor behavioral controls.
Fiona: “What’s a psychopath?”
Me: “If you’d let me finish the book I might be able to tell you.”
Ella: (Scrutinizing my thighs.) ”What’s cellulite?”
Me: “Oh for Heaven’s sake let’s go out to the trampoline!”
You can take the Psychopath Test here.
On a more serious note: the New York Times just came out with a piece titled Can You Call A 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? – about children who really are psychopaths.
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OMG! Your kids are HYSTERICAL! Ella and the capillaries and cellulite. I have this funky mole thing on the side of my face that Lil’ K. notes ALL the time! “Mama, what is that THING on your face?” The other day I got this–”Mama, you can’t go out in public with those CHIN hairs!” I looked in the mirror and there was only ONE. I got it with the tweezers and she finally shut up about it…GAH!
I find it helpful to keep the tweezers in the car because the rear-view mirror has just the right lighting for these sorts of emergencies. (-:
This is hysterical, Ado! Btw, my husband’s name is Robert Hare. No wonder he makes lists all the time (and looks at me strangely)
Oh my! That is a funny coincidence!
The Psychopath Test for Moms —> http://t.co/YHeLqII3
haha. those sneaky kid psychopaths thought they could trick you. they were prob. just trying to distract you from reading about them, and they masked it as an attempt to interact with you. very, very twisted i’d say
VERY!
One a psychopath, always a psychopath? No treatment? That’s the most disturbing of all! Maybe psychopaths are just immature adults or people whos minds only developed to about age 12 so they are stuck in this kind of dishonest and selfish behavior – haha!
That is too funny about your daughters. Dang kids are never satisfied, always want us right there with them, entertaining them, even after you already took them to 3 fun things. I feel your pain. Every.Single.Day. Repeating noodles was very wicked indeed as well. Hope your husband is back and you are getting a well deserved break
I have one word for you Anna: Nyoodles!
Ah kids. So persistent and motivated too! They had to go through nearly every item on the list but they finally did get you to go outside. PSYCHOPATHS!
They have very effective methods.
“This in my opinion was very Item 13: Lack of long-term, realistic goals. ” HA! Hopefully aging is the cure!
It didn’t cure me.
I am cracking up over here! Love this! I have sooooo been there!
Well that’s a relief…at least I’m not alone!
Laughing my ass off! This is hysterical! Funny, funny, funny! Oh, yes, and sobering, too!!!
I have this book on my list. I’m fascinated by the subject. I’ve watched a few of his interviews as he did the press rounds. Little did he realize that psychopaths are simply adults who have not grown up, who refuse to shed their childish manner. Hilarious, post, Ado. I also realized that my neighbor is a psychopath. I had suspected as much but the checklist confirms it. I’ll be locking the doors and windows from now on. Thanks for posting that. (As an aside – I wonder if you were the mom who said I’m all about that cow. I can imagine that you are one of our little everyday heroes.)
Stephanie: I was the mom who said that. (-:
You are very good at reading between the lines!
Also: it’s a great, quick and engaging read – go for it!
I’ve been reading that book!!
So how does it feel, being a mother to two very pretty, intelligent psychopaths?
I’ve been thinking about you all day Alison and I’m so tickled you stopped by my blog.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE READING THAT SAME BOOK! Whoa! Coincidence or what?
How does it feel to be a mom of two now? When do you go home from the hospital – as soon as you get in the door, just make sure your husband has everything set up for you and baby and something planned for Monkey so you can breath a big sigh of relief and rest!
Hhahahha yep, they’re psychopaths. Run away! Far far away!
Oh my gosh! Whisper-shout nyoodles is killing me. So much that I am compelled to do it. I’m taking my daughter to ballet now and I want to whisper-shout in the waiting room and completely freak out those mothers.
I kinda love your kids. Do you think that makes me a psychopath by association?
Fantastic post!
Don’t do it, nooooo! Because the thing is, once you start saying NYOODLES you get Tourrette’s and you can’t stop! NYOODLES! and it pops NYOODLES! up everywhere you NYOODLES! go! Even the ballet! (-:
hysterical!!! I think it’s safe to say all children are psychopaths don’t you. Also, now i want to read that book.
Well they sure do all lead quite the parasitic lifestyle. (-:
I think all kids are psychopaths….The Psychopath Test For Moms http://t.co/kX8lNtXa via @sharethis
I loved this post. I think I know a lot of psychopaths. So glad to be able to identify them now.
How wild is that? It really does fit kids to a tee. HILARIOUS. Off to tuck my psychopaths into bed.
Heh – touche!
I think that kids are prone to a lot of these behaviors because they aren’t mature.
At least that is how I keep myself sane arund all the little psychopaths.
WG
Thanks, WG. (-:
HOLY SHIT! I’m living with three psychopaths. I need to get them out of this house as soon as possible. And, I’ve got to read that book.
p.s. I love your kids.
JENNIFER: YOU ARE IN GRAVE DANGER!
Don’t let them get into your head! (-:
must read! So funny! @BethKaufman3: RT @heidicave: Are you raising a psychopath? @AdoTheMomalog http://t.co/vvu7rNhh #yeahwrite56
I am sitting here laughing like a lunatic. Love your kids. And love the structure of this blog post. Did you know one of my hobbies is diagnosing random strangers with their mental illnesses? Rice cakes are always very telling.
But why are you and Alison both reading a book on psychopaths? Was it something I said? (See that right there was paranoia. Now that you have nailed down psychopaths, it’s time to broaden your horizons.) Ellen
They are little psychopaths, aren’t they? I think every child under the age of 10 completely fits those characteristics and even on through the teenage years (although I think they do feel remorse by then, we just never see it). I’ve never thought about it in those terms before though…
Kinda sinister, huh? (-:
Loved this post by @adothemomalog on her little psychopaths! http://t.co/xuBaiVf7
You were missed while you were screen free! This post is hysterical! I could not stop laughing until I realized that my kids also fit the profile. Now I’m just scared.
You are right to be scared. (-:
I read that book. I loved it. I love finding psychopaths. I think most children would have some sort of personality disorder. It only becomes a problem when they don’t grow out of it…
The Psychopath Test For Moms http://t.co/auuMKmIO via @sharethis
Thank you for the RT Kathy!
How do we “unpsychopath” our children? That’s what I want to know! Great post, as always!
I guess we just let ‘em grow up and repress their emotions, like we all did. (-:
Love this post – and love even more that other people’s kids can’t stand the sight of their moms relaxing with a book – it’s not just my kids
Too funny. I can just imagine it. Trying to enjoy some peace and quiet and all they want is to let out some energy. And I get the same questions about squiggly lines by my nose!!!
Here I am wondering if you’re Lithuanian…
So funny! Are you raising a psychopath? @AdoTheMomalog http://t.co/jN6IWbTO #yeahwrite56
It’s thing like this that make me want to freeze my Little Dude as the sweet 2.5 year old he is
I think you’re okay Jay – because mine were little psychopaths way before 2 and 1/2!
Your girls sound adorable. Nyoodles. Haha!
I loved this post. And I’m definitely coming back!
good! (-:
This. is. hilarious! I know so many little psychopaths. It’s sad for me that I live with two of them, isn’t it? But clearly you understand.
In all seriousness, though, I must confess to you that I totally met a little kid who I am *sure* was a psychopath when I was teaching first grade one year (he was in the neighboring classroom). He seriously freaked me out with his utter lack of empathy and so many other items on this list. Even now I am totally prejudiced against his name because he was the creepiest kid I have ever met. I won’t be surprised if I end up reading about his serial killings in the paper someday. Ack.
Meanwhile, here’s hoping that my own little almost-psychopaths don’t drive me to insanity! I am *never* teaching them the word nyoodles, that’s for sure!
Well – all my joking aside – they are able to diagnose kids who are “real” psychopaths in childhood (sadly, they do exist). Apparently their lack of empathy is the key ingredient – they will hurt other children, for example one boy “broke another child’s arm just so he could see what it felt like to break someone’s bone” – and felt no remorse. They also might hurt animals – all of them like the list says do get into early behavior problems. Anyway – sad about that kid in your class!
I’ve long believed that toddlers are psychopaths. Who else comes and bites you on the leg when you’re making them dinner? OK. Dogs do. So they’re either pitbulls or psychpoaths. LOVE this post!
I had a psychopathic shitzu! (-:
Based off that assessment, I do believe I live in a home filled with psychopaths. God help me!
Get out, now! Run! (-:
My entire family is psychotic. At least according to that. But I have preschoolers, and I think that goes without saying.
Yes it does, it does go without saying. (-:
Thank you for this post! Evidently not one, but both, of my in-laws are either psychotic or toddlers.
Oh-ho-ho Tracy I’m dying laughing here! Maybe you can slip that book onto their bedside table next time they stay over?
This is funny–especially the part at the end about your daughter examining your thigh…why do they do that? I do have issue with the test, though. I view it akin to how tests are used in schools to determine whether kids get into Advanced Placement, or to determine performance levels of a school; tests do not give the entire picture. The creator of the PLR-C, Robert Hare, created it for use in research and it now is used in prisons to determine parole and life/death sentencing. That being said, it certainly comes in handy for identifying why supermarket managers bug the shit out of me, too.
I have been going through this thread of conversation and I must admit that I am really excited. Y’all just got me laughing out loud.
The Psychopath Test For Moms – Momalog http://t.co/941iO63l
The Psychopath Test For Moms (from the archives) http://t.co/rAi5nf0E via @sharethis
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