Breastfeeding made the cover of Time magazine:
Photo courtesy of TIME magazine.
I haven’t even read the article yet, but I’m not sure how I feel about this photo – it disturbs me. (I dig her “What the f. are you lookin’ at?” pose, but …what’s with the chair?)
I’m all for BF’ing. As a parent I fall into the “attachment parenting” category – I BF’d both children, and nursed my first for much longer than some moms (I think Fi was in her late twos when we finally stopped – but Ella weaned herself at 6 mos.). I wore my babies in slings, went to La Leche League meetings, we co-slept (still do, sometimes, and my kids are 7 and 10! eeks), I read all the Dr. Sears books and disagree vehemently with “Cry It Out” sleep training, and so on. But these are just my opinions. There are a million other ways to parent, and I was under the impression that I was open-minded to other people’s parenting. But I was wrong about how open-minded I thought I was.
I’m all for the current trend toward crunchy-parenting and am a huge proponent of breastfeeding. I have strong opinions about formula, too, but I generally keep them to myself because I don’t want to offend moms who choose to bottle feed, or who have to bottle feed. I’ve got friends who bottle fed their babies and – lo and behold – their babies turned out just fine. But I didn’t realize how much I quietly judged these moms until I had a conversation with a friend in which she told me that she didn’t breastfeed her babies (gasp!). She hadn’t ever told me this because figured I would judge her – like most moms seem to do nowadays. Bottle-feeding moms are forced to go underground, to not talk about it – because they feel judged.
My friend was telling me that the reason she didn’t breastfeed was that she knew from the start she didn’t want anything to do with it, no matter what anyone said to her. As she was telling me this, I started becoming aware that although I was parroting things to her that were supportive – “That’s fine – it’s your choice,” “You are the mom so you know what works for you,” “Don’t judge yourself!” etc. – I WAS ACTUALLY JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF HER.
This really, really bothered me!
Here’s what I was really thinking:
- Formula is crappy sugar-water pushed on you by Big Industry!
- Formula fed babies are addicted to sugar! (*Note: I have no idea where I got this idea and it is not fact-based.)
- What about baby’s immune system – didn’t you care about that?
- You totally missed out on the bonding! So did your baby!
- How could anyone NOT breastfeed? It’s the most natural thing in the world!
- And so on…ad nauseum.
BIASED MUCH? How’s that for “good enough parenting,” my tag line? How could I be so judgmental about one of my closest friends, whose parenting I admire? So – I stopped the conversation. I confessed. I said, “Oh my God. I’m one of them! I’m one of the moms who is judging the shit out of you for not breastfeeding and you should hear all the shit that’s really going through my head!”
I proceeded to list the awful things I was thinking about her, and we laughed and afterward she absolved me for being so shitty and judgmental. Of course,we are still BFF’s, but now I’m grappling with the uncomfortable feeling of how rigid I am in my beliefs about other people’s parenting, and whether I’m aware of it or not – how very, very judgmental I am.
I had a real estate agent who was taking me around to see some houses when Ella was a baby. We had to stop the car a lot so I could nurse Ella, and it was during one of these nursing pit-stops that she told me that she never nursed her children because she didn’t want her breasts to sag. You know what I was thinking? I was thinking I didn’t like her anymore. I was thinking, how could a woman be so selfish that she denies her babies breastmilk just so her boobs don’t sag? Don’t you think they’ll sag anyway when she’s 90?
See how judgmental we moms are?
So this photo on the cover of Time disturbs me on all kinds of levels. First of all, it stirs up the media’s idea of the “Mommy Wars.” It disturbs me because that boy looks like he’s 7 but in reality he’s just 3. A tall 3 – they used this to shock. Why couldn’t they show the mother sitting down and cuddling her son and breastfeeding him discreetly in a blanket like most moms would? It isn’t like she’s going to whip out her boob standing in line at Whole Foods like that and nurse a giant.
The title also bothers me, “Are you mom enough?” because it sums up today’s unconsciously hostile parenting climate. We have somehow reverted to the days before women’s lib in the parenting department – not only are you required to be a perfect mother, you should also be a crunchy, green, natural birthing, cloth-diapering, breastfeeding, organic-baby-food-pureeing, Lulemon-yoga-pants-wearing, co-sleeping Earth mother who breastfeeds her older child and her triplets while standing in a highly public area, like the Metro or the DMV. And if you aren’t, you’re just not good enough or hip enough. You aren’t trying hard enough. Well – screw that.
My mom came from an entirely different era. She gave birth to me in a hospital surrounded by male doctors when she was, as she put it, “knocked out cold” – at her own request. She didn’t want anything at all to do with giving birth. Also, she didn’t breastfeed me – she hired au pairs to stuff bottles of formula in my face, and yes, I resent it. To this day I have a ridiculous attachment to sugar which I wrongly or rightly ascribe to being fed formula.
In her day although you certainly had to define yourself by how clean your kitchen floor was (as you do today!), you also had to be a professional, educated do-it-all mom who distanced herself from the crunchy aspects of motherhood so you hired au pairs to bottle feed while you got on with your liberated life. You compared salaries and job titles with your newly liberated mom-friends. But now the tides have turned. We have turned against ourselves yet again and fallen into the currently popular trend in mothering: we judge ourselves and each other according to who is the crunchiest, greenest, breastfeedingest Earth mother. On our quest to be “the best moms” of today – whether we know it or not, we are participating in just another oppressive trend of judging moms who go against the herd and do it their way, moms who might not want to breastfeed – mercilessly. We’re secretly asking, Are you mom enough?
And in comparing ourselves to others, the answer is probably always going to be No.
That’s fucked up.
Just my two cents.
What do you think about this photo? Does it disturb you? Or should we celebrate it? Or both? Do you ever feel judged by other parents, or judge other people’s parenting?
Read The Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms’ take on what they think was happening behind-the-scenes at TIME’s planning session for this piece.
You might also like...
I’m One Of Those Parents
Other People’s Parenting
Breastfeeding on the East Coast Sucks (Pardon the Pun…)
WHAT?! NO! NOT OK! http://t.co/x7MVHDE6
fantastic response RT @AdoTheMomalog Are You Mom Enough? Breastfeeding made the cover of Time magazine: http://t.co/Qn5vZIOT
PS: Rory I love that photo of you in your wedding dress. (-:
Fantastic response Ado. And I have to say I agree with what you say about it promoting hostility, rather than support and encouragement. I think it is the title that bothers me more than the picture: having BF’d 3 myself. in parks, restaurants, in public restrooms, in cars parked on dark back country roads, and on noisy planes. So, a picture of even a toddler breastfeeding is not disturbing to me. I’d just hate to see more fuel for the “mommy wars.” I am a firm believer in raising one another up in love and compassion instead. (which doesn’t mean that you have to agree with someone elses decision — you just have to show compassion and love; always.)
We are that village. Or, we ought to be.
The photo pisses me off, because you’re right, it’s intent is to shock.
I had my kids at the beginning of the back-to-breastfeeding era and was one of the few moms I knew then to do it. I was also the only mom who had the luxury of staying at home. I was fully committed to nursing even though the experience was painful and inconvenient and not terribly bonding. I stuck it out, got past the painful beginning, and after two months my son was still hungry all the time, cried all the time, and seemed to never sleep. My mother suggested supplementing with formula at bedtime. With misgivings, I tried it, and after an impressive burp, he slept for four hours, the longest continuous stretch of sleeping he’d ever done. Maybe it was the sugar, but both my babies were happier after I gave up breastfeeding, slept better, and cried less, which made me much, much happier. A happy mom is a better mom, in my opinion, and better moms do better jobs at being moms, whatever their breastfeeding decisions may be.
Thanks for commenting!! I agree: a happy (well-rested) mama is a better one.
I struggle with BF {PCOS is the culprit} and with both my kids had to supplement the whole time. I’m totally judgy to the moms who just don’t want their boobs to sag. I also can’t stand that moms want to smoke/drink/insert activity here. I’m jealous that no matter how hard I try, my body just isn’t going to make enough milk to exclusively BF and there they are just not doing it. *Stepping off soapbox*
As far as the cover goes I feel like “Eh, to each their own,” but it’s too old for me personally. The one that skeeved me out and bordered on creepy was the YouTube video interview of the mom still BF her 8 year old.
Very well put, Ado. This is a tough subject and I do have opinions on it, but it is difficult to express them publicly for fear of major backlash. For though it is called Attachment “Parenting”, if a man-parent expresses his opinion on it, it usually opens a major firestorm upon him.
My wife tried to breastfed, but after several months of major effort and investment it didn’t work out. The Little Dude ate formula and is perfectly normal today. In fact at his recent checkup yesterday the doctor was amazed by how far advanced he is in terms of his cognitive development. At least a year+. And that’s with formula.
Jay I think it’s very interesting how some topics are verbotin for dad’s and if you are a daddy blogger you’ll whip up a firestorm of negative opinion if you – for example – mention some positives about bottle feeding etc. That isn’t fair either. “Dads are people too!” Sheesh.
I love your response! You’re right, though, moms (and perhaps women in general) are very judgmental of each other. It can be tough if you are not doing what everyone else is – either breastfeeding or not. I agree with the previous post; you have to do what you can do to be the best mom to your kids.
Yeah – that’s what we need to do – I just have to figure out a way to stop being so judgey of other parents. I mean – holy shit did I have a go at “Tanorexic mom.” I really did. Still am, in fact.
What bothers me about the picture is that it is designed to fan the flames of the anti-breastfeeding judgers and to continue to polarize EVERYBODY. There is no way not to come down on one side (“Beautiful”) or the other (“Disgusting”) on that photo. I myself come down on the ‘beautiful’ side, having been a La Leche Leader, co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding Earth Mama myself. In fact, Dr. Sears was too mainstream for me in some regards.
And yes, I am really guilty of judginess as well as EXTREME guilt and feelings of being judged. It’s excruciating! I am much better now about judging now that my daughter is 8 and I have been forced by the reality of circumstances and the kind of kid I got to renounce some of my previous holier-than-thou positions on things like screen time and sugar. I still judge, but not as MUCH, and I do have a sincere understanding that a) until I’ve walked in another parent’s shoes I don’t know why they do what they do, and b) a few episodes of Strawberry Shortcake, or a few pieces of strawberry shortcake aren’t going to kill anyone, or even consign them to a life behind a Wal-Mart register. Those are not the parenting choices that make The Difference.
Now, if anyone could tell me exactly which decisions DO make The Difference, I’d love to hear it.
Well-said Maria!
Thanks for chiming in here. I think we are all guilty of the judginess to some extent.
PS: SO glad to hear a few episodes of Strawberry Shortcake won’t resign them to a life behind a Walmart register! Phew!
The photo doesn’t bother *me* – but I do resent the choice of (as you mentioned) an OLD looking 3-year-old. And a chair. Huh? Although I think the Captain Morgan pose on the mom is kind of funny. It reinforced the “Who the F are you to judge me?” thing.
There’s plenty of judgy-ness going around, and I’m so glad to hear someone voice the truth – even as we’re being supportive of other’s choices, our brains are reinforcing out OWN beliefs. It’s called survival. The difference is that people truly confident can do that and still support other people. I think you did that.
Thanks Kristin for saying that…except that I’m riddled w. insecurities! (-:
I don’t like how mom’s judge each other for why they parent the way they do.
It makes me really sad. We should be supportive of each other as long as the way we and others parent is not endangering the child psychologically or physically. Even if you are a very crunchy mother that breastfeeds till the child is 5 does not mean your child will not have every virus and infection out there. Yes you may have given your child a better chance but there is no sure way to protect your child or their health there are far to many variables.
I didn’t breastfeed my children and it made my mother-in-law crazy!!!
She thought I was selfish as well and she didn’t care about any of my reasons because to her they seemed trivial. And none of my reason were for vanity reason. They were about the sleep deprivation and the psychological stress I was living with and how breast feeding made my hormones go crazy and so I was even more hormonal and dysfunctional. I can promise that giving my babies a bottle was the BEST thing for them!
My husband’s family is very much into the crunchy mom and his cousin actually did breast feed all 6 of her boys until they were 3. I have not seen improved intelligence or better health in her family.
I really don’t care if people breast feed or bottle feed I think it’s a none issue. I’m just glad the child get’s fed be it bottle or breast.
I don’t care if a child is carried in a sling or a car seat. I think the more important thing is if they are ever cuddled and know they are loved. Everyone does things in there own way for their own reasons.
I don’t think we women should judge each other like this.
We should just do our best and if your best is to carry your baby in a sling or the car seat that is your best and they are both good and it’s o.k that we are not all doing everything the same.
Thanks Cindy for your comments – it amazes me how much of an uphill battle it is for bottle-feeding moms to just be able to talk openly about their choices. That in itself reveals how oppressive the climate around this is. And you’re right – we are really supposed to be “that village” and to be supportive of one another, yet we really are not, in general, not by a long-shot. Thanks for your comments.
i AM bothered by the photo. but hey, it sure as shit is gonna get peoples attention so score one for Time.
i do have to comment on the sugar thing. i have never heard this take on formula fed babies and, quite frankly, find it pretty humorous. that said, maybe i’m being defensive. i was ALL about breastfeeding my girl- it was the only plan i had regarding having a baby. i didn’t care much about the nursery or anything; i didn’t have a “birth plan”; but i wanted… i NEEDED to breastfeed. but after a month of BFing, then pumping for up to an hour at a time to produce more milk while she sucked down on formula, i stopped. she wasn’t getting enough from me from the get-go and her doctor told us we needed to supplement when she was 2 weeks old. long story short: she’s not a fan of sugary stuff at all. doesn’t really like ice cream or cake or anything! i wouldn’t even think of contributing that to BFing or not. anyway, great post.
Thanks Christina. I have NO idea where I got the idea that formula-fed babies become addicted to sugar, so I went back and amended this to add the following note: “I have no idea where I got this idea and it is NOT fact-based!” – as many of my parenting biases are. Thanks for commenting…
I assure Time magazine I am mom enough. I was mom enough to stop breastfeeding my son at 9 months because he decided my nipple was a chew toy.
Ha!
I’ve bottle-feeded my son as well, but I don’t feel like I had been judged for that. Some of my girlfriends have also bottle-feeded their babies, I won’t think that there was a universal truth about the breastfeeding and bottle-feeding methods. Both of them works, and it always depends on the mom which one will be applied.
You are so right, we do judge, and it’s not good. I am quite dissapointed in Time in their choice of the cover picture. I can’t believe he is only 3 and the magazine was clearly using it for the shock value. I can’t quite figure out why they want to start the argument, I guess they figure it will sell magazines.
I think you hit the nail on the head Anna with “to sell magazines.” Shock sells.
This photo is definitely intended for shock value. I’m a big supporter of breast feeding… but not this way. They have super cute wraps and blankets for that no need to be so blatant about it. Isn’t it supposed to be a private bonding moment with your child? I started breast feeding all three of my children and only stopped because all three of mine had lactose sensitivities (long story) and ended up bottle feeding them. They are fine, smart and very healthy! Am I a bad mom because of that? I don’t think so.
Hi Susi – I’m actually (personal opinion here we go again) wary of the items they sell to “cover” breastfeeding moms – maybe b/c I’m from California and had BF’d my first there – then moved to the EC for my 2nd – whoa! TOTALLY different experience. People were running up to me at PF Chang’s restaurant “thanking me for my discretion” while BF’ing my newborn – in a booth! under a blanket! – I started looking around at those tents they sell and they just looked so ridiculous. Why is America so afraid of the boob and maybe seeing a nipple (thinking of Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction here…) yet boobs are ALL OVER the place – on magazine covers, everywhere! That’s why – it really bugs me that “they” want BF’ing moms to “cover up” when most of us are in the first place.
That picture IS fucked up. Totally disturbing. And I really hope that that is his Mother or they did some major photoshopping – because – well – it’s just fucked up.
I totally agree with everything you had to say. I grapple with the judging myself. It’s human nature to judge – we just do it ALL THE TIME. I can say I try not to…and I do TRY … but try as I might I still do it. I was a breastfeeding, attachment, make my own babyfood, sling wearing Mumma. And truthfully I don’t know if that was ME wanting to do all that (the sling wearing was my sanity saver though) or what ‘society’ expected of me. My Mother never breastfed either – she also smoked when she was pregnant (I’m amazed I don’t have asthma or something!) It was an entirely different (whacked out) generation. It will always be something I’m afraid.
BF’ing was NOT easy for me with my first – I’m pretty sure most women would’ve given up if they had to go through what I did but I’m glad I stuck with it. I always tell Mother’s to at least give it a chance and leave my opinion at that.
And now I must go hang my laundry on the line outside. (and then clean my floors! – did I mention I have a June Cleaver complex – I blame that on my Mother being the exact opposite – how’s that for screwed up!??)
Aaaand I really am tempted to delete my comment after reading it back – it makes me cringe…(but they are my honest thoughts and I won’t change them because I fear ‘what others might think of me’)
Don’t delete your comment it wasn’t offensive at all, I couldn’t imagine it would be to anybody. See what you’re reacting to is the general climate of “uh oh” that all of us moms feel – like, what if everybody doesn’t agree with me? or my parenting methods, etc? It is kind of scary, frankly. Moms are wonderful and there is so much good in the general community of us all – but yet – we are really the most judgy group on the planet. So – I say, don’t be scared to voice your opinion – so long as you are not putting down someone else’s parenting choices! (My mom smoked too during pregnancy although she says she didn’t – she did – and I’m fine, not that I condone it!)
Are you mom enough? What do you think of the (stupid) breastfeeding photo on the cover of @Time? http://t.co/ASCu1bsn
What? Are you kidding me….? The kid is almost big enough to not need a chair. What is he, fourteen, fifteen?:-). I have raised four children while maintaining a full time occupation, and while moving every two years as a spouse of a military man… I did not breast feed, but I feel like I’ve done a pretty good job up to this point…. Phooey on you Time Magazine!
Here-here! And I’ll bet if you had BF’d your kids you sure-as-shit wouldn’t make them stand on a CHAIR to nurse. Sheesh!
This is such a great post. I love that you were so self aware and honest with your friend
Although I’m pretty hippie/crunchy or just attachment parenting myself, I believe parenting is a personal and unique experience for everyone. We are all just trying to find our own paths and want to do what is best for our families and our selves. As long as kids are well cared for, loved and nurtured and not being abused or neglected, I say live and let live.
That is what I hate about this photo “stunt” by Time magazine. It was totally for shock value, to get everyone talking and worked up so they can sell more magazines. I hope that women and mothers will continue to see behind this kind of b.s. and be supportive and kind to one another, even when people do things differently that we do. We are mommy enough! Great post Ado
Thank you Anna (-:
[...] For another thoughtful take on this issue, read Ado at The Momalog. [...]
Thanks for the RT Erin & Ellen and the mention. (-:
You know why you are such a great writer? Because of your honesty. We all judge. Some of us just aren’t strong enough to admit it. I love the angle you took with this piece. Well done. Ellen
Thank you! (-:
Really great two cents, Ado. This photo and title are crap. Totally meant to fuel the Mommy Wars. It’s absurd.
Amen sista! I couldn’t agree more. Blogged about the very same thing this morning. This cover was published for one reason and one reason only: to spark controversy over something that isn’t controversial at all. They are exploiting the so-called “mommy wars” trying to pit woman against woman and mom against mom in a pathetic attempt to sell more magazines. The title of my post is “The Breast Feeding Debate is a Non-Debate so Don’t Take the Bait.” And I mean it! We need to knock it off with all the judgmental bullshit and start supporting and celebrating all of our individual choices as moms. What the hell kind of a message will we send to our daughters if we don’t????
From what I’ve been reading online about this topic it is looking like we moms are way too sophisticated for TIME’s little “let’s start up the mommy wars” trick. (-:
Read this too!! “@AdoTheMomalog: What do you think of the (stupid) breastfeeding photo on the cover of @Time? http://t.co/QOToOKDK”
What bothers me is the huge negative response that a potentially enlightening article is getting based on this salacious cover. This article has the power to take attachment parenting out of the shadows and off the sidelines and back into the mainstream because so many are disturbed by the image on the cover. It makes me very sad that this kind of competitve environment is being fostered by the very people that are trying to advocate this type parenting.
I appreciate your honesty though and recognize some of my own judgemental tendencies in your words.
Bravo!
Should be… has the power but that power is lost because so many are disturbed by how this image is portrayed. Sorry, commenting from my phone and some of my words are getting scrambled.
Love, love, love the honesty in this response to the Time article by @AdoTheMomalog http://t.co/5EksNGZm
I am also disturbed by the photo, for the reason you cite – it’s aimed at shock value, at creating controversy rather than at discourse or persuasion. I also have friends who flat out refused to BF, and I also have judged them – still do, at least the ones who claim it grosses them out. But you’re right, I should get over it.
And you’ve gotta get over that sugar thing! I was formula fed too, but my mom did it on doctor’s orders (it was the 60s, what can I say?) – and I was pretty much denied sugar other than in very small doses during my entire childhood, so I never developed a taste for it. My son, who weaned himself at six months because he preferred the taste of formula, I guess (imagine the ego buster THAT was!) – he doesn’t like sugar much, either.
I’m happy to say that you can still blame your mom, though, because it’s likely a family trait. Just not formla’s fault!
As a breastfeeding, (previously) co-sleeping mother who doesn’t cloth diaper and made half hearted attempts at baby food making, I am by no means a self-declared attachment parent or whatever the opposite of that is.
I’m just a mother who does what feels right for her child. And I’m approaching second-time motherhood differently. Yes, I’m breastfeeding again – because it’s natural for me, I have no problem doing it, it’s what I believe is good for my baby. No, we’re not co-sleeping because breaking that habit with the first one almost did me in.
My point being, I’m doing what is right for my children (and each child is different as I’m already learning!), what is right for me and my family as a whole.
I’m sure I’m judged by others. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care what other mothers do – how they gave birth, whether they do this or that or not, it’s no one’s business. As long as the children are good.
So as to the question – am I mom enough? Yeah, I think so.
And Time, shame on you for that photo stunt. I’m slightly disturbed by it because that kid does not look 3. He looks 6 or 7.
Well said Alison. We’re all mom enough. Jeez.
I’ve breastfed both of my daughters but I’ve never judged anyone because of the bottle-feeding. I think it’s insane to judge somebody just because she doesn’t have enough milk or something like that.
Fantastic post. Love that you’ve admitted to doing what we all do– judge each other. When you’ve made the decisions that are right for you & your baby, its hard to understand how another woman’s different choices could be right for her… They just seem so wrong!
For what it’s worth, I’ve breastfed & formula fed my kids. They’re both happy & healthy & while I really struggled with not being able to BF them a long as I wanted to, introducing formula when we needed to was absolutely the right decision for us. As a huge supporter of breastfeeding, it’s really hard not to judge moms who don’t, but I remind myself that I have no idea what her circumstances are… Perhaps she tried really hard (like me), but just wasn’t able to.
As for sugar, I’m a crazy addict & I was exclusively breastfed for a year before being given cow’s milk. Pretty sure that formula vs. breastmilk has nothing to do with it, but I would propose that there’s a relationship between being given high sugar processed foods as toddlers & kids to craving sugar as an adult.
And for moms who choose not to breastfeed in an attempt to avoid sagging breasts, good luck with that. Often, it’s pregnancy itself our your milk simply coming in (whether you use it or not), that makes breasts sag. Moms who would put their vanity before their kids’ health? Yep, I’ll gladly about to judging them.
Oops, double post. Can you delete my first comment?
Stefanie – done! Re your comments on sugar – I really have no idea if formula from the 60s was the culprit but I know back then it was chock-full of sugar. I don’t know about today’s formula and my hunch about where I got my attachment to sugar is not at all fact-based! (-: My mom did give me lots of high-sugar junk when I was growing up so I’m sure that had more to do w. it than anything. Anyway thanks for your comments..
So well written it leaves me speechless. I didn’t judge BF at all. I had to, b/c my children were allergic to all formula, so I learned we do what we have to do.
What I do get all judgy about and am still working on, are parents who don’ read to their kids.
Yes, I do. And I know, I shouldn’t . And I will try. Harder now.
Thank you, this was awesome from all sides.
Thanks Alexandra – I’d write a longer reply but I’m OFF TO READ TO MY KIDS…! (-:
@AdoTheMomalog confesses her own judgmental moments after seeing the #TIME cover http://t.co/rJryrMdD
I”m with you and the Sisterhood of Sensibles. I really hate how the media is stoking our insecurities and our judgment of others. I was in a moms group after my first and one out of hte 8 of us was bottle feeding. She felt so incredibly self conscious and fell all over herself explaining why she had to do it. She mentioned feeling embarrassed and judged when she bottle fed in public. Ever since then I’ve vowed to not judge other’s parenting choices (short of abuse). You just. don’t. know. their reality. I do things I’m proud of and things I wish I didn’t (like swearing in front of my kids). None of us fit into someone else’s ideal and most of us fall short of our own. But I’ve found other moms rarely as judmental as the media makes us out to be.
I was very shocked when I saw this cover! I can’t say that this is the effective way Time Magazine can convey mothers about breast feeding. Yes, I believe that breast feeding is the best for babies. But I can’t stand the way they are promoting it! I can’t believe this woman in the cover agree to have this kind of photo shoot!
I couldn’t agree more with you. This is the effective way to covers, because it is something every mom out there can relate to. I really liked that issue.
Amazingly well written and insightful commentary on parenting today. I have personally been torn over the TIME image (have not read the article myself). As a working mother who nursed her son until just after his 1st birthday, I too am guilty of judging those who do not chose to or are not able to do the same, including my sister and a very good friend of mine. THANK YOU for reiterating the importance of being supportive of others parenting choices.
Just read @AdoTheMomalog ‘s reaction to the Time Mag pic… I love you! Your honesty and self reflection is touching! http://t.co/bWRpTFzp
That is a sick photo for its sensationalism. And the title? Totally disgusting. It just fuels Mommy Wars and mom-guilt. Like we need that when parenting is hard as it is!
Did I “plan” on being an attachment parent? I hadn’t heard about the term until a friend said “Oh, you’re practising attachment parenting.” My response? I don’t know what that is and I don’t really care! I’m just doing what comes naturally to me, what’s best for my family and our circumstances, what’s easiest on our finances. And that simply HAPPENS, for us, to be BF exclusively, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cloth diapering and making baby food from scratch. It may be a non-issue for many, but when I had my first kid we just had to BF to avoid the cost of formula.
As far as BF goes, I’d say to my friends “Give it your best shot but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t.” And that’s coming from me – having BF my daughter till she was 5. I tandem nurse, too. I’m sure people think I’m weird or something worse. I don’t care. I think of many women in Eastern, non-literate, non-techno cultures who do the same and who wouldn’t bat an eyelid at that. Whatever it is, I sure don’t judge other women who take a completely different path from me.
Are You Mom Enough? http://t.co/Sn1mw0kr via @momalog
[...] Ado at The Momalog – Are You Mom Enough? [...]
[...] http://themomalog.com/2012/05/10/are-you-mom-enough/ [...]
Such an honest response and no, I’m not mom enough, which is what my response to this cover was.
I also judged women…before I had kids. How messed up is that? I remember whining about how I had to help my then-boyfriend buy formula for his sister because she was sort on money that month. I said something hateful about how “breastfeeding is free.” Of course, now that I’ve breastfed, I know that it isn’t free by any means (that’s why it is valuable and why women talk about silver boobs and whatever…it is an accomplishment and a sacrifice).
I’m also glad you mentioned how detached (ironically?) this mom looks from her son. Why isn’t she holding him? Or, you know, making eye contact?
I did some reading about this mother’s story and it’s quite interesting – she is kind of a BF’ing activist and has two sons this age – one is adopted (black) and this one, and she nurses both of them which has at times gotten quite a big reaction. Her blog is called I’m Not The Babysitter or something. Anyway – interesting reading. So they had lots of different poses of her – one in which she’s holding him in her arms – and there were two other moms also for the photo shoot. The reason they picked this one over the others is obvious – it’s somewhat provocative and divisive (re. the “mommy wars” etc.) – which sells, i guess. Thanks for your comments (-:
There are so many levels to this, but I’ll stick with my first impressions. 1) The kid looks way older than three. 2) Who breast feeds standing up while their kid stands on a chair? Who?! 3) ARE YOU MOM ENOUGH? simply screams controversy to sell magazines. I breast fed, and bottle fed when the little shit refused to breast feed any longer. I’m totally pro breastfeeding. But not while the kid stands on a chair – there’s nothing loving about that.
You said it well in this post.
Thanks for your comments Ally – yeah, the chair is just – OTT.
You know what? I’d seen little thumbnails of that image all over in the past few days, but it wasn’t until I saw it here on your post that I actually read the smaller print associated with it. I didn’t realize that they are basically captioning it as “attachment parenting is driving women to extremes LIKE THIS PICTURE.” I agree with everyone everywhere who has said in the past few days that this is not at all what bf-ing an older child is like, so whatever. Stupid. The whole thing is stupid, and I couldn’t even read the article because you have to subscribe to Time magazine in order to read it. Apparently it was a bit more balanced than the shock-value cover (which makes me wonder if the author of the article had anything to do with the stupid cover).
Anyway, I, too, struggle with my inner critic. I judge myself, other moms, dads, teachers, everyone. It takes a lot of talking over that critic for me to come to the “if there were one right way, there’d be one book” philosophy. We struggle so much with deciding for ourselves what’s best for our children that it becomes nearly inconceivable to imagine that anyone else could read what we read, know what we know, and come to a different conclusion. Thank the Lord for giving me other mom friends here and online who have shown me how that is entirely possible and I can still like all of them.
I will not respond to a post about breastfeeding with my own story because everyone else does that, but I did write a long post about it once called “There I said it” in which I confessed my love-hate relationship with it. I still struggle with judging about many things, but rarely about that anymore.
Sorry to write you a novella in here! But this is a great post you wrote and I had to chime in.
Jessica thanks for your thoughtful comments – I love epic comments. (-:
To my fellow moms: I parent my kid one way, you parent your kid another way. I don’t judge you, you don’t judge me. As long as everyone is happy, healthy and loved, I don’t see why there would be a problem.
To Time magazine and any others who would like to stir up the “mommy wars”: STFU!
And yes, that pic is disturbing, if only because Time is sensationalizing something that is suppose to be a beautiful and natural thing (please note that I’m currently bottle feeding my 8 m/o son by choice) between mother and child. It’s also a personal choice.
It’s really sad that we are discussing such a blatant attempt to start up controversy and boost readership… but at least it’s got moms rallying together against a common “enemy”.
Great post!
I agree Karine – what I’ve noticed in the past few days over the blogosphere are the conversations about this topic are not divisive – the moms are all annoyed at TIME for its transparent shock-value attempts to sell mags. So at least that’s a positive.
I love @adothemomalog for being brave enough to admit she has an inner judge. Are You Mom Enough? http://t.co/4wewhPbM
I was just thinking again about this picture – and I suddenly realized the biggest problem with it – WHO WOULD DO THAT TO THEIR CHILD, putting him in a picture like that?? Sorry, feeling judgmental here… but sheesh, woman, protect your boy FIRST. Feed him however & whatever you want, but keep his psyche safe. How’s he going to feel when he’s 7 or 10 or 15 and some kid pulls out an old Time magazine with this picture on it?
I SO agree with you! He is too young to have a choice in the matter – and although I like her “What the f. are you lookin’ at?” pose because it says so much about moms privacy around their choices – she is really only thinking about herself, not necessarily the long-term effects on her child. I mean – just a total “what-if” – but what if that kid grew up to want to run for public office, and someone got their hands on this photo? That kind of thing. Not smart, in my opinion. Kind of selfish.
Great response, there is a way to make of making a point which can win people over to your opinion and there is a way of making a point which just rubs the face of the people who take the other stance in it, sort of gloating and that is what this did. True advocates will see a negative in the wrong kind of promotion.
I don’t judge Moms who bottle feed. I usually assume they chose not to breastfeed because they couldn’t for whatever reason. Sure, I have a harder time when I hear that someone just didn’t want to — but usually when I hear that, my frustration is directed towards society as a whole, and not at that particular mother.
I think this is why I am not upset about this magazine cover. I see it as a symptom of a society who sees breastfeeding as something that needs to happen behind closed doors, and who sees mothers making distinct parenting choices as “extreme”. Society has a warped view of motherhood – specifically breastfeeding – and they often want much of it to be done behind closed doors. So I don’t even mind the photo, because I think it is important for parenting choices to be in the open and affirmed.
As for the whole “Mom enough” thing – I often feel like I am doing a bang-up job mothering my awesome kids, so I’m not at all offended.
I had my first child in California and honestly – not once did I feel like I had to BF behind closed doors. I didn’t realize what a luxury that was until I moved to the East Coast and I was just shocked at how different it was! I had my newborn (2nd) in a restaurant – PF Chang’s in Rockville, MD – and I was nursing her discreetly under a blanket and the manager ran over to me and “thanked me for being discreet” – and also suggested if I “wanted more privacy I could go into the restroom.” Honestly I was so embarrassed by this attention and so shocked – and this happened twice – I did kind of take it underground and choose to just go indoors or use nursing rooms or the car etc. Really awful!
Are You Mom Enough in @Time via @AdoTheMomalog What do you think about#breastfeeding a 5 year old? http://t.co/yl0kWxRG
Thanks for the RT Catherine. (-:
Really great two cents, Ado. This photo and title are crap. I’m happy to say that you can still blame your mom, though, because it’s likely a family trait. Just not formla’s fault!