Last week NPR was talking about parents that actually hire people to scare the crap out of their children. Apparently there’s an evil clown in Switzerland you can hire to stalk your child for the seven days leading up to their birthday – culminating in a terrifying pie-in-the-face surprise attack on their “big day.”
Dominic Deville the Evil Clown strikes when your child least expects it.
I know it’s not even remotely politically correct to see humor in this, but the part of me that’s fed up with pulling birthday party ideas out of my ass – does find it funny.
“The frightening fun can be stopped at any time, which is handy for parents who have second thoughts and don’t fancy the cost of child therapy!”
Hosting scary birthday parties would’ve been a good career choice for my parents – they were doing this type of thing long before this Deville guy became trendy. My sister’s birthday was near Halloween and since we were like The Addam’s Family without trying to be, we always had haunted slumber parties.
My dad would take us trick-or-treating in his spooky vintage limousine, a 1958 Fleetwood.
He would help us toilet paper or egg the houses of people who didn’t give us treats. Then he’d take us home and we’d set up our sleeping bags in the master bedroom. We would spend the night conducting seances, contacting Pocohontas on the Ouija board, and running in and out of the pitch-dark bathroom trying to conjure the ghost of Mary Worth in the mirror. We’d carve pumpkins and pop Jiffy Pop and work ourselves up into an altered state of otherworldly terror. It was fantastic.
At one of these parties my dad popped his head in the door of the bedroom and said quietly (he had a British accent, which made it even scarier):
If one of you drops so much as a single kernel of popcorn, I am going to fry your little butts off with a red-hot frying pan.
And then he closed the door.
“But Deville is not an escaped lunatic or some demonic monster. He is a birthday treat, hired by mum and dad!”
This sent us into a frenzy – was he really going to fry our butts off with a frying pan? – and so on. My sister’s friend Coco boldly tossed a kernel of popcorn at him and ran back into the bedroom. When we peeked out again a few minutes later – he was gone. But there was a frying pan heating up on the fire.
Our boisterous excitement changed into visceral terror.
He jumped out at us, moaning. It didn’t help that he was wearing a sheik’s long white dishdash and matching head dress that he had picked up during his travels. It was covered in ketchup blood…and he was wielding another frying pan.
The thing about my father was you knew on a cellular level that if he caught you, he was going to fry you up and eat you – there was no question. We screamed and ran out in our PJs and bare feet – one or two kids may have even wet their pants, and I may or may not have been one of them.
Even though it was dark out and close to midnight, and even though we knew that the Zodiac killer was probably out there hiding in the bushes, and we were scared to death of the dark, we were more scared of my father in that Arabian dishdash than we were of the Zodiac killer hiding in the bushes. So we took off running out the front door like a herd of fucked-up antelope. We loped into the forest, down the driveway, into the neighbor’s yards – scattering in all directions, scream-sobbing.
“The idea is unlikely to be popular with sufferers of coulrophobia – the irrational (irrational?) fear of clowns.”
He caught me before I could get out – I was hiding behind the bar. He grabbed my ankle and pulled me toward him, saying that he was going to start by eating my pinky toe, and I became hysterical. “Nooooo! Don’t eat me!” – and he stopped and whispered, “Kiddo, it’s me – your old dad. Do you really think I would eat you?” He looked surprised.
Me, my mom's wig, and my dad. Isn't he ridiculously handsome?
I took advantage of his confusion to run for my life, screaming, “HE’S GOING TO EAT ME! HE’S GOING TO EAT ME!” I ran out the door and down the driveway all the way to Gerstle park. That’s how scared I was.
The chase went on for probably an hour. Then he quietly reappeared beside the fireplace, minus his bloody dishdash, and word spread through the forest, the neighborhood, the park, and underneath the house that it was safe to come out. We came back and roasted marshmallows, guffawing with exaggerated relief that we had survived – and wondering who that crazy sheik was.
In today’s world, a drunk man who chases a herd of pajama-clad tweens through the neighborhood at midnight would probably be reported and arrested, but this was the 70′s and things were different back then. None of the neighbors called the cops, probably because they didn’t want anything to do with our Addam’s family. So after that first “successful” party, my sister’s slumber parties became the hot invitation at school. Everybody wanted to come have the bejesus scared out of them, so go figure.
Read more about the scary clown here.
Linking up with Yeah Write.
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Hahahaha, how awesome is your dad?
And by gosh, he’s so handsome in that picture – he looks like George Clooney!
You were BLONDE?
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
My dad was devastatingly handsome – Carey Grant meets Sean Connery.
I wasn’t blonde – that was a wig! (-:
I am snorting all over the place over that one! Freaking hysterical! What a cool dad!
Twitter: jennwrites
Your dad sounds like he was really cool
I would have hid though at your birthday party!
Twitter: triingathlete
Your dad was an absolute hoot! (and, yes, a handsome devil to boot))
[Did I just inadvertently write a poem? I apologize.]
Where were we? I’ve always been scared of clowns, and I’m glad to know there’s a word for it. And I think there is something thrilling about being scared when you’re a kid, but if you’re going to hire a clown stalker you’ll have to brace yourself for possibly weeks of nightmares.
Awesome post!
Twitter: mamzungu
And years of therapy bills!
It is funny how different our childhoods were in the 70′s. I remember my Mom finding me and my tricycle at a neighbour’s house at 8pm, I was 5 at the time nobody thought it was a big deal I had got carried away playing and went to her house. I did not think it necessary to ask.
Twitter: Aprilviv
If that had happened today there probably would’ve been an Amber Alert!
Fed-up with planning themed birthday parties? Hire a scary clown to stalk your child for their next birthday party: http://t.co/09gyoKni
Oh Ado, much as I feel for your childhood self, I do love your old stories! So funny that the party became legendary at school.
Twitter: myhonestanswer
What a party…I can see why invites were highly sought after.
Twitter: momma23monkeys
But I’ll bet you wouldn’t let your child come to those parties! (-:
As painful as your childhood must have been, it certainly produced good writing material.
And yes, your dad was swoon-worthy!
Twitter: amyeatlivelaugh
Thanks Amy. (-:
OMG…I laughed so hard I started to cry. Thank you… I needed that today. I was born mid 70s so my childhood memories really start in the 80s but I can totally see this as “normal” for our times. I just discovered your blog not too long ago and am really enjoying your posts. Oh and your dad was indeed very handsome. Have a great week.
Twitter: mytotstravel
So glad you are here Lilliana! PS: Your photos of your daughters are adorable.
First off, screw you for the clown picture Ado. I freaking hate clowns so much. I read IT at much too young an age and it scarred me for life.
Second, I can see why your parties were a hit. I know you think it’s because of the scaring and all, but really I think everyone just wanted to ogle your dad. Boy, was he a looker.
Twitter: TheMamamash
Thanks Julie! (-: He was a hottie back in the day.
Sometimes I wish it was still the 70s. Or I had a dad who would scare the bejeesus outta me! Funny! http://t.co/PzxZ2iUq via @AdoTheMomalog
That is hysterical! I would’ve loved your parties. Haha! My parents had Halloween parties for my sister & I that consisted of a haunted hayride and a haunted house. It was fantastic! I have a totally irrational fear of clowns. The circus was my nightmare. My kids were so bummed that I bought tickets up in the balcony because I didn’t want to be close to the clowns. Haha!
Twitter: iamnotthemaid
I really don’t know anyone who isn’t afraid of clowns. I’m not sure how irrational your fear is! (-:
I absolutely love this story.
My slumber parties were a hot ticket because I would turn my room into a haunted house and conduct tours down the hall and through the room. Is it any wonder that I grew up to manage a professional haunted house for 13 (yes, that number) years? I was doing fake blood with lipstick before I wore lipstick!
Great story. I wish we could have been neighbors.
Twitter: Cabin77
AHAHAHA I wish my dad was that cool. No wonder all the kids wanted to go to your birthdays!
“like a herd of fucked-up antelope”
Best line ever!
LOL.
Twitter: Dalrie
Well thanks – I always imagine that antelope get totally fucked-up when being chased by a lioness, so I just had to use that line.
I get the potential for it being disquieting to have a drunk man chasing teenagers at night and for parents wanting to deliberately scare their kids in celebration of their birthdays. And even though this is a somewhat fond memory, reading it makes me uncomfortable…yet happy that you experienced such fun. A conundrum, which makes it a great piece of writing. That being said, the most popular birthday party thus far in the history of my 13 year old is the one we had at the haunted corn field. After leaving here, I’m looking up this strange phenomena of gaining joy out of being horrified because I am afraid of everything and definitely do not seek it out for pleasure. Favorite line in this one: “…the part of me that’s fed up with pulling birthday party ideas out of my ass….” Yep. Me too.
Twitter: sperk01
Thanks Sperk. Yeah there’s something utterly delicious about being terrified when you’re a kid but as an adult I’m “afraid” (pardon the pun there) I don’t want to be terrified anymore. The daily news terrifies me enough.
This was a great story! It is so true that times are so different now, which I think is very unfortunate.
Thanks for sharing!
Twitter: happinesscubed
That is awesome! And unlike the crazy Swiss Clown, your dad knew all the kids he was stalking, so it wasn’t quiiite so creepy.
Twitter: jesterqueen
What is it with kids wanting to have the shit scared outta them??!! I would have LOVED to have been there!!! So fun!!! My cousins used to scare my brother and I by simply putting blankets over themselves and acting like ghosts. We knew it was them but for some irrational reason they still scared the bejesus out of us! What a fantastic post. I could picture it all.
Twitter: januarydawn1
I used to LOVE getting scared too as a kid. I don’t know what that’s about, or why it changes. (-:
Honey, I’d like to tell you I read this, but I nearly pissed my pants and blacked out at the first clown picture. Because I feared for my life, I did not read this post, but I am sure it was hilarious and genius as usual.
Twitter: WriteRinseBlog
Well thank you for your honesty, I love it. (-:
I so admire the humor you pull out of your childhood. But that’s the thing, life is not a constant Lifetime movie, there are good parts. And when your normal is skewed, the fun times are more than a little cracked, too. So glad to get to see a photo of your dad.
You know the subtle thing that got me “…irrational (irrational?) fear of clowns.” Still snickering. Ellen
Twitter: SensibleMoms
God – so well put. Thanks Ellen. PS: That quote about the irrational fear of clowns got me too. (-:
What an awesome family! I so wish I could go back and be teenaged Ado’s friend so I could come to one of your parties!
Twitter: kiddiepoolmommy
They were pretty wild and I will say that when I was a teenager the parties we had were very popular. I remember one of them – my dad was standing guard outside the front door holding a medieval spear, and all the teen boys were gathered around talking to him. He loved to talk to teenagers, and teenaged boys in particular would spend hours talking to him – I think because he was able to “hear” them, you know?
@AdoTheMomalog has me wishing I could be her teenaged friend! I want to go to a party like that! http://t.co/mjWdvXM3 #yeahwrite57
That sounds like some party. I probably would have been one of the pant pee-ers myself!!!
Twitter: bocafrau
That sounds like such a fun party. I would have been dying to come. Great story!
Twitter: michellelongo
Hire a Scary Clown, and other fun birthday party ideas
from @AdoTheMomalog http://t.co/IbnBLHw8 #yeahwrite57
I’m not scared of clowns but that is one scary-ass looking clown in that first picture. Now, I’ll probably have nightmares! My brother is terrified of clowns, I think I’m gonna show your post…
And, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but your friends didn’t come to your slumber parties for the thrill factor. They came to ogle your hot dad!
Twitter: 2ulovemom
Ha! When I was in high school all my girlfriends swooned when he came in. Seriously. I took him to the father daughter dinner dance and he danced with all of them. (-: He was such a good looking man that I feel like he didn’t have to learn a lot of the things other people have to – he could rely on his looks and his charm for much of his life, the lucky bastard. (-:
Hahahha. I can’t tell if I think the scary clown thing is hilarious or awful or both…
Twitter: MayorGia
I see where you’re coming from and am glad I am not your child. Your dad is awesome though.
I read this article and kind of thought – um those parents should win worst parent of the year award.
I would be psychologically DAMAGED if my parents did this to me as a child.
However I’d be delighted if I could send these clowns to adults I don’t like
Twitter: thepishposh
@michellelongo @AdoTheMomalog OMG Michelle heartbreaking post! http://t.co/8x9EQdvM Ado no. Never sic a clown on me. http://t.co/bbNNeLV6
Okay, that clown picture? Not cool! But your dad sounds awesome! And so handsome!
Twitter: KimberlyAMuro
I hope you mean my Dad is handsome not the clown! (-;
LOVE parents scaring the crap out of kids stories. But seriously think the clown thing is borderline abuse. Eek!
Twitter: SusannaBartee
Borderline? I think it’s full-on abuse! However that clown is from Europe and things are different over there. Maybe the kids have thicker skins? (-:
Hiring anything to stalk your child seems a bit, well, stalkerish and mean!! Not for me. Or my kids, or grandkids. I scare them enough, all by myself! Hehe!
Twitter: seeuhome
I’m sure you don’t! (-:
Hire A Scary Clown to Stalk Your Child For Their Next Birthday Party http://t.co/nyyTL6tn via @sharethis
holy crap i don’t think i can move past the scary clown image. wow. WOW.
Twitter: finallymom
I hate surprises, and I can’t imagine hiring someone to stalk my kids or anyone. I just picture the “victim” running into traffic to get away from the imagined stalker – and then I’d feel responsible. And I would be! Oh no no. No crazy stalker clowns, thank you.
And I love the road to popular slumber parties in your family. I would have missed the entire thing by hiding in the closet until the all clear sounded. And I’m not skittish; I just don’t like surprises. Did I mention that?
Twitter: kdwald
The whole thing sounds really abusive. I’m thinking though that in the UK or Switzerland or wherever they do it – it’s for older kids maybe in their teens? I’m thinking the parents tell the teens about it beforehand and it becomes an adventure game. At least that’s what I’m hoping. If somebody did this to me when I was 6 or 10 I would probably still be in a padded cell.
oh man. fun and terrifying. just how kids like it. except me. i was a stay in your room and read big books kind of gal. sigh. look at what i was missing!
{um. he’s dreamy in the most handsome of ways. oh, that men looked like that now!}
Twitter: tarapohlkotte
I would’ve come over to your house and settled in to read my Laura Ingalls Wilder books in peace, too!
sadly, today a man running around in a bloody arabian dishdash would probably be seized by homeland security and locked away for years. the seventies were so much easier! and i love the part where he says to you, “did you really think i would EAT you?” because if i were you i totally would’ve thought “UM, YES, DAD.” (but maybe that’s just my own dad!).
Twitter: smushyfacebaby
Yeah, and you would’ve been smart to RUN, too.
I never really understood why people get freaked out by clowns until I saw the picture above. Spooky!
Twitter: dudeofthehouse
Really? I have always, always had a fear of clowns.
Oh god. That clown. I almost couldn’t go on and read the rest. Glad I pushed through the terror, though, that was hilarious. Your dad sounds awesome. I probably would have passed out though. After peeing my pants.
Twitter: failcrunchymom
You would’ve been in a pile of fainters along with myself then. (-: And yes I agree that clown scares the bejesus out of me too.
Your dad is super handsome. Love reading your childhood stories.
Twitter: juliahembree
Thanks Julia. (-:
I love how you’re looking at your dad in that picture! So sweet! He seems like he was a lot of fun! Adams family, or not.
Twitter: themommymess
Adrienne (oh I love your name!) – he was a ton of fun. I loved him and it was also fun that he was so devastatingly handsome.
Hi-lari-ous! Beats my Halloweens in San Francisco in the 1970s! I had to trick or treat down Irving Street on Saturday afternoon. No night time knocking on doors for candy! (My mom was worried about poisoned sweets.) Did I mention I had to eat carob instead of chocolate, powdered milk instead of the cow kind, and eat homemade yogurt pies. Yum. But my dad drove a motorcycle and wore his hair in a ponytail! That’s cool! Right?!
Twitter: mearth
Totally cool Lisa! There’s a blog post (or a book) in all that and I would love to read it.
I do wonder what Martha Stewart would have to say about this type of party? How would she categorize it on her blog/show?
As always Ado, you leave me captivated, sharing yet another piece of your childhood tapestry.
Twitter: notwifezilla
You are so hilarious Jackie – “I wonder what Martha would say.”
I loved this post. It’s food for thought. I think our culture’s focus on good parenting has had a homogenizing effect on parents as well. It seems all of my kids’ friends’ have very fine parents, but everybody is trying to hard to be like everyone else. I like examples of eccentric families on TV like Roseanne & Dan or the train wreck on Shameless – irreverent and crazy, but also so loving and committed to each other.
Twitter: vanderlovely
Wow, you dad is such a cool guy. And he is co cute too.