Ever had one of those days where basically everything you do is wrong?
One of those days where you wake up feeling pretty good in the morning but by late afternoon you feel like the townspeople are gathering up their pitchforks and lighting their fucking torches? I call them my Frankenstein days.
I had one of these days today. I need to write about it so I can either convince the virtual townspeople stop chasing me, or at the very least get it all off my chest.
It started on Facebook, of course.
No, wait – it started when my husband left for a four-day business trip and accidentally took my car keys with him. I didn’t realize that I had no car keys until the kids and I were showered, dressed, and ready to go out for the day.
<Insert frantic two-hour search for the car keys, which I didn’t find (because they are in my husband’s car, aren’t they?) along with a whole boatload of self-hatred because I never replaced the spare keys that were lost.>
I was supposed to be at Miraval for the free Mommy Blogger Me-Time trip they were giving me. But I couldn’t go because of my husband’s silly business trip.
Then, like a contagious disease, that Frankenstein thing spread to Facebook. (Disclaimer: I would not have been farting around on Facebook if I had my car keys.)
Facebook is a tricky terrain, for me. In general, I don’t use it to mouth-off about my political or religious beliefs. My status updates are generally neutral and pretty harmless, like this one:
or this:
But occasionally (twice in the last two months, actually) I’ve been unable to keep my mouth shut. I broke my own “Facebook is for fluffy stuff” rule and used it to hawk my opinions to my 388 friends (although I’m sure this number will plummet as they read my rant and de-Friend me…)
The first status update was about gun control. It was right after the Batman shooting in Colorado. It was also after I had just heard that my 14-year-old nephew who was in psychiatric lockdown in a children’s hospital had told the doctor that he had a plan to kill himself with a gun. In the meeting with her ex-husband, my sister listened as the psychiatrist told them that her child had a plan to “buy a gun and shoot himself.” My sister pointed out that her son had no need to buy a gun because his father owns two hand guns, three rifles, and five tasers – all within easy reach at his home. When the doctor asked her ex-husband about his guns, he shrugged and said, “They’re locked up.”
So you can imagine, I am insane about gun control. I am against guns and gun ownership, period. Guns are within reach of America’s children. My nephew’s access to his father’s legal array of guns and my sister’s powerlessness to do anything about this makes us both beyond furious. I can’t see straight, I’m so fucking angry, okay?
After the Batman shooting, I was so pissed off about people on Facebook insisting that the average citizen has a right to own AK-47s that I crossed a line and posted this:
I caught some shit from a guy I went to high school with who is now a born-again, gun-toting Christian (I am a Christian myself, an Episcopalean one, in case anyone is going to take offense at me for labeling him). His response (“…What are you gonna do, take everyone’s drivers’ license away because a few crazy people drive drunk?…” etc.) made me so angry that all I could do was eat an entire bag of Doritos and let it go.
Then yesterday I posted another non-controversial Facebook status update (that was sarcasm) about another topic that doesn’t at all polarize people: gay rights. (What was I thinking? What is going on with this newfound verbal logorrhea that’s splatting out of my pissed-off mind and directly onto my Facebook status updates? Is this what happens as you age – you just lose the ability to censor yourself?)
Some back-story: Last week I was at the mall and found myself surrounded by thousands of people lining up to eat at Chic Fil A. It got my attention because hardly anyone ever lines up for Chic Fil A, and on this day the line was going out the door into the parking lot. I later discovered that these people were turning up at Chic Fil A’s all over the nation in their thousands, to show support for the CEO’s stance on gay people (he’s against gay marriage, in case you haven’t heard). So I posted this:
I got into a pissing match on Facebook (34 comments worth) with that same person from high school who had given me flak over gun control. I hardly even knew him all those years ago anyway so why on Earth do I care? He and I are polar opposites. Our exchange was awkward, and public, and it went on and on and on, and I just couldn’t bring myself to stop compulsively pressing the Reply button until I had said too much. Afterwards I started feeling crappy and insecure about my virtual townspeople – a few people stepped in to say something, but most of them said nothing.
Finally, in a moment of clarity, in response to my Facebook friend’s impossible bigotry, I let a song speak for me – I posted the song “Yellow Triangle,” by Christie Moore.
At the same time, in a parallel universe here on the blogosphere, I had just returned from Blogher ’12 and had written this post, Blogher ’12: What It Was Like, and I hit Publish. You know that white-faced feeling you get after you press the Send button after writing an email that maybe you shouldn’t have? Or after you state your opinion at a dinner party when you’re surrounded by Republicans and you suddenly realize that you are the only liberal – and you get that dreadful feeling of uh-oh in your stomach? I had that feeling. And it was compounded because with one hand I was writing the Blogher piece which asked the controversial question – Why are there men at Blogher? – and with the other hand, I was compulsively pressing Reply on my Facebook page, stuck in a pissing match with a right-wing Christian who hates gays and loves guns.
“Step away from the computer, Mom.” – Fiona
Most of the peeps who read my Blogher ’12 piece commented that they appreciated it – mainly because I didn’t vomit on about the parties (that’s because I didn’t attend many, ahem, Howard Hughes much??), and because I gave an honest (read: somewhat critical) view of my experience at Blogher. But there were many more on Twitter, apparently, who disagreed.
I had asked a nagging little question: Why are there men at Blogher? I knew it was an awkward question, one that would cause some controversy, but I had heard it discussed at the conference and felt that it is a legitimate question that merited discussing. Other veteran bloggers have since contacted me and said that this very question has been raised at each and every Blogher conference since its inception (I didn’t know this because I’m a newbie, and this was my first conference). The fact that this question keeps coming up year after year means that it is a question worth asking, one that maybe doesn’t have an answer yet.
I got a response to my post from Shmutzie, one of the bloggers I admire the most and had gone out of my way to meet and say Hi to at the conference. She tweeted that I really hurt her feelings.
It crushed me. I was horrified to learn that I had hurt Shmutzie’s feelings.
Cue the mad townspeople.
I wanted to tell her that I am from San Francisco, I am a gay rights activist, I have gay and transgendered friends – and I’m so sorry I hurt her feelings and made her feel left out, because that is not what I intended. I just wanted to know why there were men at BlogHer.
So – I have offended, hurt, and alienated Shmutzie. People think I am a gender-biased, anti-gay, anti-everything, assholic, man-hating cretan whose aim is to exclude and offend the entire male, gay, and transgendered populations…yet at the very same time, on my Facebook page, I am being attacked by a right-wing born-again Christian for being “close-minded” and for hating people with “core family values.”
Well now, that is some accomplishment.
Just look at the math:
Men
+
Transgendered people
+
Lesbians and gays
+
Born-again Christians
+
Gun owners
+
People with family values
——————————————————————————-
= Oh My God: I’ve offended everyone on the planet in a single day!
So here’s what’s been going on in the Twitterverse over this topic. My friend Erica from Yeah Write, who is the type of person who will stand up and say something, has sidled up to defend me:
And finally, just before I press the Publish button on this one, I just got this tweet from Cecily, another blogger I admire:
So I’m going to do what Frankenstein did and go find an old blind man’s cabin and have a hot cup of tea, lay low for a while, wait for the mob to run past. While I’m there I’m going to think about why it is that asking the blogging community an honest question feels so wrong.
“A blogger who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; a blogger who does not ask a question is a fool forever.” – Ancient Chinese Proverb (-:
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Ever had one of those days where you’re Frankenstein in that scene when he’s being chased by the angry mob? I have. http://t.co/6iucsi4N
I’m sorry you had such a long, Frankenstein-y day. Again to clarify: my issue was not with men being at BlogHer (I don’t care either way) or with your post asking why they were there. My issue was this: people on Twitter were discussing you, in particular, without drawing you into the conversation with an @ reply. That is called subtweeting. Besides being subversive and rude, the subtweeting made you, Ado, the subject of debate instead of your original blog post. My albeit snippy request was for those who had a problem with it to engage you directly like Schmutzie and Neil did, even though one was hurt and the other was joking.
Twitter: yhwriteme
I get that and it’s a really good point (and now I know what subtweeting is!)
That explanation was for those cruising through that may not have known. We are always speaking to a wider audience than we think.
Twitter: yhwriteme
Loved this follow-up post, and am most definitely not one of the towns-people with a pitchfork. I think after reading this post, most will put down their torches and head back home—or back onto Twitter—to find a more interesting way to spend their time.
I don’t think the irony will be lost on a single reader of this post—you are one of the most open-minded liberal women I have (happily) met in a very long time. You should never feel like you need to put your head in the sand in shame for asking a very clear, and appropriate question.
Twitter: Book4MyDaughter
Thanks my dear. It is actually ironic though, I’m not all that open-minded in my views (case in point is that gun proponent/anti-gay rights guy I got into it w. on FB) – although I consider myself liberal, and left-wing, I am entrenched in “my” values, you know? Not really so open-minded when it comes to polar opposites of my views – although I do try to understand where they are coming from, I still think I’m “right.” (-:
I am not sure why this has got people so up in arms (sorry couldn’t resist the pun there) as I agree with everything you said wholeheartedly in this entire post. Clearly, we would totally sit next to each other at a dinner party!
You know asking questions is a good thing. And I think you should pat yourself on the back for being willing to be brave enough to do it!
Twitter: ashleytaylor76
Thanks (-:
Well, I am exhausted just reading about your day and, that my friend, is why I fly under the radar.
Having to explain and debate your opinions? Please don’t play that game again.
Twitter: OpinionsToGo
Well Joanne much as I didn’t enjoy the fallout I certainly will be playing this game again because I’m not going to not ask questions or stifle my opinion just because I’m afraid of backlash – that’s what they do in places like China and Stalin’s Russia – not here in the blogosphere in the USA, right? Right?
Oh wow!! You have seriously had a day! I just read your post with my jaw on the floor, I can’t believe that things exploded like this! I am in awe of you, for your last post and also for this one, for asking a question that you knew was tough, and for speaking your mind about it. After talking so much about this with you I know you meant no harm, and even after only just having met you, I also know how crappy this must have made you feel because of what a good person you are. I really wish I could give you a big hug right now!! But you do know that this post was exceptionally well written, right? LOL Did I mention that I am in awe of you? Don’t hide for too long, soul sister!
Twitter: MillenialMonstr
Mwah. I am feeling so much better now!
Right after I read your post & processed my own feelings about blog conferences, I asked that same question about men being at BlogHer on Twitter, and for the most part, this was the response – “I was thinking the same thing.” (Well except for one who said everyone’s welcome, to which I nearly wanted to reply, but Blogher is specifically a place for women, and I’m not just talking about the conference). Why can’t men just leave something to just the women? Why do they have to insert themselves somehow? (pun intended)
Also, am really sorry about the Miraval trip that didn’t happen and the lack of car keys, that sucks balls.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
That was a most appropriate pun my friend. Thanks for your comment. xo
Ummm. Yeah. So I’m trying to laugh really quietly because my 3.5 year old is sleeping in my bed just three feet from where I sit. Tears. Tears of gratitude for a guttural laugh.
Here I am, innocently reading this amazing, not-grumpy-and-bitter-at-all post, and I’m so impressed with you. Then I see my TYPO TWEET sitting at the end of your post. Frick and Frack, that made me laugh. I meant “You are Pa Ingalls!” Not that you ate him.
Great response. And can you teach me how to make the tweets look so awesome in a post? I’ve failed miserably several times.
Twitter: kdwald
Oh that makes your tweet even funnier if that’s possible! “You ate Pa Ingallsl” is probably more apt though – I have a bit of Nellie Olsen in me when I PMS. (-: Thanks for your comments and I hope you didn’t wake your little one.
PS: To capture tweets (I’m on a MacBook Pro) I press Command + Shift+4 and use the cross-hairs to draw a box around what I want to capture, then upload it from my desktop into my post…if that helps any.
I love when I get the last word. http://t.co/jh0eQMtB via @AdoTheMomalog #winning
Are bloggers censoring each other? Asking a question on the blogosphere shouldn’t be so hard. http://t.co/4VFhSRNA #Blogher12
Love this Ado. I hope you had wine at home yesterday.
xo
Twitter: amountainmomma
Thanks Theresa. (-: (PS: I had a hot cup of tea…)
I applaud you for stating your views. I’m not sure I agree about men at BlogHer (but I’m not really sure what I think) but I 100% agree with you about guns and that stupid restaurant. But it doesn’t really matter what I think – what matters is that you stated your point of view without criticizing other people, which is something that isn’t often seen when talking about issues like this.
I say own it and don’t worry about the haters. (Except for Schmutzie, who isn’t a hater, and I’m sorry too that she was hurt by the post.)
Twitter: FarewellStrangr
Thanks Robin, well-said.
I think we’ve lost the ability to have polite public discourse. The second you disagree with someone these days or ask them to take a look at their beliefs, it turns into this us versus them mentality.
And I don’t really understand why. People in this country have always had differing views. Our political parties in the past used to actually have to talk about things, hash them out, and come to a compromise that was usually better for all.
Now it seems our politicians act like petulant children who refuse to budge if they don’t get their complete way. It’s not good for our country.
I am a person who happens to believe we should be able to own guns, even though I don’t personally like them and don’t personally have any. But I don’t have a problem with someone asking me to re-examine my beliefs. Maybe I need to revisit them and figure out if they still work for me anymore.
We don’t all have to think the same, it’s our diversity that makes our country great. But I do think there should be a law that we have to treat each other with respect when their opinions differ from ours.
Twitter: AmarilloKenja
Thank you Kenja for your civil comments. I really appreciate you chiming in here. There are so many different topics in this post but re. the guns thing, I do agree in principle with say, a hunter owning a rifle. I agree with a limited amount of gun ownership if we were able to put in place laws that check the mental health background of all who want to own a gun – but it doesn’t seem like this is working out too well. I am also in favor of not letting people just buy ammo off the Internet or the easy access of any of it. And why would anyone need an AK-57 etc? I lived in Ireland for 5 years and they had no guns – you didn’t even see the Garda (police) carrying them. If someone lost their mind and went crazy, they did it with a knife – or some other object – not a gun – and the difference in numbers of gun accidents and deaths between our countries was staggering. Anyway, here I go blathering again…but thank you for your comments, and I too like a good debate with people who are unafraid to voice their opinions and yet can keep the discussion open and civil.
TWINSIES! You and I have the same facebook demeanor. I recommend you unfriend that high school person and save yourself TONS of agita. He’ll understand.
I didn’t think your BlogHer bit was offensive in the least- you were asking valid questions. Personally, I didn’t care that there was a smattering of testosterone in the room, but I was also too busy freaking out about not knowing anybody. It was a great post, though!
Twitter: nystoopmama
I don’t want to be a prick though- probably I should, you’re so right! Not worth it.
Ah Ado. I’m so sorry to hear about all the backlash (damn you for actually having an opinion on things!)
I got your back always. xo
Twitter: januarydawn1
I love you back, January. xo
Sorry you are having a Frankenstein day, Ado. I had one like that one day on a news forum where in one thread an conservative Christian accused me of being a left wing feminazi because I dared to question inconsistencies in the Old Testament. Then in another thread I got accused of being a leech on society and an anachronism holding down all women and anti feminist because I dared to admit to being a stay at home mom. I was compared to a prostitute for that.. I just laughed my ass off. How could different people form such vastly differing and such venomous strident judgements of me that they are so sure are correct, asked off of two very brief statements in the frikking Internet? How stupid are people anyway? Even knowing you in person I would never presume that I truly know you because you are a work in progress. You are bound to grow and change as time brings you to different perspectives.
Friendship is about finding enough common ground that you want to take that journey through life with someone. With that comes some level of acceptance and appreciation that your friend will be different from you. God, why on earth would I want a friend who is just a twin of me? I’d hate that. I’d never grow from a relationship like that. We would just reinforce each other’s prejudices and stagnate.
My friend base consists of people who are the polar opposites of each other. I find it keeps me fair minded and balanced most of the time. I have my opinions but I honestly don’t mind what other people think, as long as their core values don’t lead them to attacking mine and forcing me to change over. I do change a lot over time. I just don’t like to be forced into it.
As for men at Blogher, when I read your comments about that honestly my mind couldn’t help but drift over to something that has been bothering me for awhile now. Why are so many tween boys now using the ladies rooms, when they are not accompanied by their moms? Have you noticed that happening more and more? V and I have. As long as they behave themselves it really ought not to bother us. But it does, and I do feel a bit like a sexist pig and a prude worrying about it, since I’ve been overseas where unisex bathrooms are common and I should be cosmopolitan enough to be used to it. But darn it, I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around it happening here. Maybe if I had sons I would understand better. Well that’s totally off topic, but it just reminded me so much about your stance on male speakers at Bloghe conference. It shouldn’t bother us, but it does and we want to wrap our minds around “why.”. So we definitely should be free to engage in the discussion without immediately being branded or scolded. Hell yeah…why can’t we ask why?
Well no I can’t say I’ve noticed the upsurge in tween boys using the girls’ rooms! I must keep an eye out. Maybe it’s because the girls’ rooms tend to be cleaner? Who knows. Thanks for your comments – and no, I didn’t notice a single typo! (-:
Sorry I had a lot of typos in my post.
I read this post the other day but forgot to take the time to comment to let you know that I agree with your stances on these controversial topics, and that I also appreciate that they’re well thought out. You’re not just spouting something because someone else thinks it – at least it seems that way to me. That’s what drives me crazy with some of my so-called friends on facebook that I should probably de-friend – some of them seem like they’ve been brainwashed from the time they were born to hate gay people and have their guns for no good reason, without every THINKING about any of it.
Twitter: euregirlsandboy
Thanks, appreciate it. (-:
I just want to read you “The Big Bad Wolf is Good.” It is my favorite kids book. I have days like this all the time. We are very misunderstood souls.
When NC had the gay marriage amendment vote I wrote a letter to the parents of young children who supported it, asking them how they could. Then, I don’t shout out to people I know in the flesh that I write, I shared with a male teacher at my boys school because he was having a moment like me on his personal FB page. I private messaged him and told him to keep it on the down low and he took it as I am gay. I didn’t correct him. What does it matter if I am straight or gay, I did tell my husband I am not gay in case he hears something at school, I owe him that right? Anyway, I appreciate your very bad, rotten day and I know how often a little something can get misinterpreted. I also live in a southern, country club, bible belt neighborhood and God made the State of NC mail me a license plate that reads, “WTF” and so it goes.
Twitter: allthatmakesyou
My husband went to school in NC and I was down there a few times, I loved it – and at the same time I met some of the most right-wing, conservative people I’d ever met – and some of the most open-minded. A real mix, down there! Thanks for your comments I’m going to buy that book and read it to myself. (-:
What a wonderful post! People are going to find offense is almost anything, and usually because they are looking for something to be offensive. That Erica’s good people for coming to your defense. Keep doing what you do! And let the haters hate.
Twitter: werdyab
As someone who has been blogging since 2005, I know the blogosphere can be a confusing one, with all sorts of social groups and cliques. I can’t speak for the other two experiences you had on Facebook, but in the case of your mention of men at BlogHer in your post, I think you’re over-dramatizing a bit. People have different ideas of what a blogging conference is all about, and like I said immediately, your question was legitimate, as was the disagreement. If you really want to be a purist, you wouldn’t have President Obama, a man, speak at the conference either. A man can be an asset to furthering women’s rights and a woman can be an extreme conservative who believes women belong in the kitchen. It is not about “slots” in the speaking selection. Would you have an issue with a white man speaking at at a meeting of the NAACP, or a Jewish man speaking at a Church function? That’s my feeling anyway. I didn’t see any torches present. Bloggers naturally get protective of their friends, but real discussion, is always good for the community.
As for my friend Erica’s comment:
Again to clarify: my issue was not with men being at BlogHer (I don’t care either way) or with your post asking why they were there. My issue was this: people on Twitter were discussing you, in particular, without drawing you into the conversation with an @ reply. That is called subtweeting. Besides being subversive and rude, the subtweeting made you, Ado, the subject of debate instead of your original blog post. My albeit snippy request was for those who had a problem with it to engage you directly like Schmutzie and Neil did, even though one was hurt and the other was joking.
I think the same statement about “subtweeting” can also be made for Blog posts. You used snippets of my tweets in this post, and discussed me directly, but nowhere did you link to me or tell me that you wrote this post so if I hadn’t accidentally come here, I would have never known that you were discussing it, or using my Twitter feed as part of your story. It is good policy to link to the person when discussing them, so they can also participate. Don’t worry, most bloggers don’t bite.
Twitter: neilochka
OK so right now I can’t get over you missing your Miraval trip, I have been saving up to visit there for years, and end up raiding my stash for bills instead, totally sorry you missed your trip.
I saw the word Doritos and got distracted, so now that I’m back with my chips, all I can say is this, trolls will never disappear, trolls never have anything better to do, and even if you have only blogged for ONE minute someone will invariably disagree with you. Two people can stare at the same clear blue sky and come up with different colors for it, turquoise, azure…..
Conferences all provide each and every one of us a vastly different experience. And we all have the right to share our versions of the events!
I for one hated that there was never enough seating and I didn’t see why people had to pay good money to sit on the floor and eat like a dog with plates on their laps….I didn’t like tripping over people with their baby carriages at the expo hall where the aisles were way more narrow than ever and there was little room to walk in more than a straight line at peak hours. I’m sure moms will give me flak for that. I’m not a mom, when I’m doing something ‘business’ related to grow my brand I don’t expect to trip over carriages….#justsayin
But I have an annoying way of making lemonade out of my lemons, and while on the floor at a party, I offered to hold the plate and beverage of a woman trying very hard to get down on the floor too in a dress and super high heels, and a wave of helpfulness was born. A mini campfire of women sitting on the floor was formed, and we are all still in touch and probably always will be. For every pitchfork wielding town folk, you will find one Angel. I promise!
Speak your truth!
Tracy @ Ascending Butterfly
Twitter: Tracy_Iglesias
Tracy, thanks for your comments. (-:
You’re right there will always be people who disagree no matter what.
And I think I saw you sitting out on the floor in your circle of friends – was this during the Martha Stewart interview?! Thanks for commenting.