This week’s Listicles topic over at NorthWest Mommy is a good one (what week isn’t?) - 10 Things My Parents Did Right, chosen by Lisa over at The Sprog. I’m amending it to 10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me, because that’s basically what this blog is about: me writing about how my alcoholic parents raised and influenced me, yet how I’ve chosen to stop the legacy of the family disease from hurting me or my children anymore, and how I’m stopping the dysfunction from being passed down to my children – as much as I humanly can. Which so far, is a lot.
A. Lot.
Today I’m writing about the flip side of alcoholism – the good side. Yes, Virginia, there can be a good side to growing up in an alcoholic home. You learn a lot of valuable things, for starters – compassion, creativity, survival, how to trust your instincts, how to get yourself up and out of the alcoholic family system. Not everything was bad and many things were beyond wonderful. My parents, although profoundly ill with alcoholism that progressed and worsened over the years, were magical, gifted people who loved life and adored people. And many, many people adored them back. Unfortunately, it often seemed to us as if my parents belonged more to the world than they belonged to us, and this was a confusing message, especially during the teen years. A lot of the time, I didn’t feel like anyone had my back.
My father was a good Samaritan who would stop his car to help a stranded motorist at any time – day or night. He regularly picked up hitch-hikers and brought them home to give them dinner and a place to stay – never mind that it may have been dangerous to have a stranger sleeping in the house. Luckily it all turned out in the end – and I have fond memories of learning about life from the bohemian types my parents brought to the house, and who lived with us and told us their stories because they were down on their luck. I learned how to make salad dressing – a classic Italian vinaigrette from scratch – from a young homeless woman my parents brought home and who stayed with us for a few days. And I learned a lot more from her than just making a vinaigrette – like that homeless people aren’t all addicts and weirdos and degenerates. Each one has a story behind their homelessness, a story that matters.
“I think the reason homeless people sleep during the day is because they have to keep their eyes wide open at night, in case there’s a predator.” – Ella, age 5
When I was 9 my cousin’s husband left her for her best friend. My cousin had just given birth to their third baby. My parents – always there to help someone in need – flew her and her three children from her home in New Zealand out to California to live with us until she could get back on her feet. She was a classical guitarist and was at the terrible crossroads of not knowing how she was going to survive emotionally, or how she was going to support her young children without her husband, or her best friend for that matter (God, which is worse?! Losing your husband, or your best friend?). I remember her sitting out on the deck for hours, playing that guitar in the California sun like her life depended on it – all while we watched her babies. She stayed with us that whole summer and then returned to NZ, after catching her breath and leaning on my wonderful parents who loved her guitar playing, and who told her often that her husband was a prick and that they believed in her. In fact, they told her: she could do anything she set her mind to (this is the exact same thing they always told me too, and I believed it).
And you know what? That single mama who had been through hell debuted as a solo lutenist at Carnegie Hall, baby. Carnegie Hall.
Me holding my cousin’s newborn baby – with my cousin and my mom looking on.
There were many stories of people my mom and dad took into their hearts and our home because they loved people, and reached out to those in need. I’ve said this frequently here on this blog but it’s so important to me that I’m going to say it again: I believe that alcoholics are unusually sensitive souls who just need a way to turn the volume down on all the things they see and hear. I have never once met a stupid or boring alcoholic – all of them are intelligent, bright-lights – especially after they get sober, but even before. Diamonds in the rough.
10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me
1. Don’t drink or take drugs.
2. Love is stronger than alcoholism. (It doesn’t matter if the alcoholic never gets sober and dies from their disease – love trumps alcoholism, in the end).
3. It doesn’t matter what other people think – about what I look like, how fat I am, how thin I am, what kind of car I drive, how badly my parents behaved in public, how I appear, or whether I behave like you want me to or not – what matters is what’s at the core of me. The same goes for alcoholics, who are judged mercilessly because they do stupid things, say awful things, embarrass people, get arrested, lie, steal, and cheat, drive drunk, and do despicable, dangerous things that their normal, sober selves, would never do. And then they wake up and do these things all over again. And again. In the end - the ism is not the person, the person is the person. And no matter how far down they’ve sunk, every alcoholic still has at their core a part of themselves that is not alcoholic.
4. Alcoholics are not the sum of their flaws. They are not evil. They are sick and they need our compassion, and if they don’t want our help we can always walk our butts on over to Alanon, a program for families of alcoholics.
The “3 C’s” of Alanon: I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.
5. Death from cirrhosis is pretty horrible.
6. Grab life by its throat – there really is no other way to live, because we have only one brief life. Step outside the box, because life is a big adventure.
7. No matter what happens, always have fresh flowers around the house, music playing in the background, and a friendly welcome for anyone who comes to the door.
8. Always have deep compassion for homeless people, for alcoholics, addicts, and their families and children who are suffering because of a loved one’s alcoholism.
9. When the going gets tough, the smart person sneaks off to Jungian therapy (even if their family thinks therapists are lower on the food chain than well, than lawyers; even if their family system is so deranged by the alcoholism that any sign of anyone getting well or finding balance is perceived as a threat).
10. Underneath the alcoholism, I knew that I was the light of my parents’ lives. I knew that despite how alcoholism took them away from me, they loved me profoundly – and because of this knowledge I am a fiercely loving parent who is stopping the legacy of dysfunction in my children’s lives (and if I do say so myself, I’m a pretty damn good parent). Everything I am as a parent is thanks to my magical, unwell parents.
Well okay – and to Carl Jung, and Alanon.
Signs that someone is abusing alcohol
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This is just a great list full of love and compassion. Above all they were your parents and you loved them.
Crying like a baby. So unbelievably beautiful. Happy for you that you learned great lessons from being raised by alcoholics. Love wins in the end. I won’t get over this one. Just beautiful.
Thanks Jill. (-:
I’m blown away by this positive look at your home life growing up. It’s so easy to focus on the negative.
Love this viewpoint: 10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/O1RQPOvN via @AdotheMomalog
I love the positivity of this post. Thank you for shining the light on the good. Ellen
This is beautiful. I grew up in a different kind of dysfunctional family and was trying to decide whether I could participate in the Listicle this week. Your ability to look past the pain and see your parents with compassionate eyes is truly inspiring. I’m going to try to do the same and see if I can write something in the morning.
You are amazing. I feel so uplifted by this…and found myself nodding my head to most of your points. Thank you for these reminders
xo (-: Thank you my dear.
I’ve always loved the fact that you emerged from your childhood the woman you are, because let’s face it, it could have gone so many other not-so-good ways. But look at you. You’re amazing. Thank you Ado’s mother and father.
Oh my, thanks Alison. xo
Wow, good list. This is something my dad had to think about, as he was raised by alcoholic parents. He did his best to stop the dysfunction being passed down. I’d say he succeeded–otherwise I wouldn’t have picked the topic, right?
Right! (-: And thanks for this topic Lisa.
10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/TEqHvEwb by @adothemomalog
What an amazing post, and it’s so nice to see all of the positives and how it shaped you!
Thanks (-:
The first I’ve read of the good things that sometimes come out of alcoholism. A beautiful perspective. Loved this post.
Thank you – I once read a poem about how there would be no light without the darkness, you know? That helped me a lot.
Really beautiful story – I love the way you look on the bright side and find these wonderful things to remember rather than all of the tough times. Great piece.
Thank you Kristin
Despite the (surely present) negatives, your parents sound like wonderful people.
The negatives were horribly negative, and yet they were indeed lovely people. Go figure. (-:
Wow Ado I miss taking time to read your posts!!! You are awesome as always and the way you wrote this was just so absolutely real. I get what you’re saying as being a recovered addict myself. Love to you and the girls!
I didn’t grow up with alcoholics, but I worry sometimes about how my husband’s alcoholism has impacted my girls and will continue to, even though he’s been sober for three years. I hope we’re teaching them some of the same things that you learned from your parents though. It seems like you’ve grown up pretty well
Thanks for your comments Katie. In my experience with alcoholics in sobriety, just because they are not drinking does not mean that the “ism” part magically disappears – they really need to be active in their recovery by attending meetings and working the steps. If they don’t do this – they revert to behaving like “dry drunks” – even though they aren’t drinking they’re still exhibiting all the characteristics of the disease such as self-will run riot, angry outbursts, over-spending, over-eating, over-whatevering – mostly though it can feel to family members like they are living with a tightly bound rubber band, and it’s about to snap any minute – this is the general feeling experienced by family members. The only relief comes from a sober alcoholic who is actively working their program. I hope that helps some. All kids of alcoholics, even if the parents are sober, have to deal with their parent’s alcoholism – so Alanon and Alateen are always an option here. (-: If you ever need any info or want to talk you can always email me. (-: A.
A truly powerful list. You’re amazing for being able to find so much brightness in such an (I’m assuming, though I may be speaking out of turn) often bleak situation. For finding the love in it all. So important for you, and for your kids.
Thank you – and you’re not speaking out of turn, it was pretty horrible.
What a beautiful, heartbreaking list. I am so glad that you have found a way to turn your parents’ alcoholism into life lessons and were able to list the positives. So many people are only ever able to see themselves as a victim, and are never able to glean anything even remotely positive or good out of their childhoods. Thank you for sharing this Ado.
my mom was a single mom because she left my alcoholic father. I suppose it was the best decision at the time – for both of us. but I’ve never seen him again and have no idea if he ever got “well.” It leaves an “unfinished” chapter in my life story. But, I love that my mom never, ever said anything bad about him, or put him down. She always claimed that he was the love of her life, and she wished it could have been different. So, if he ever should reappear, I don’t have any hatred stored up towards him. And that’s a pretty amazing gift from a mom whose choice made life a little bit harder.
Oh my goodness Rory, that is such a powerful story – your mother’s strength, your own story, your absent alcoholic father’s. There is an excellent post by Kate of Millenial Monster about this very topic – about how the father of her son is an alcoholic and they reconnected again, and how it all turned out – you should read it. Also, I hope you’re blogging about this.
Great list. Despite it all and looking from readers romantic glasses I do love the happy story that emerged from your childhood home. Also like I told you before I know first hand what you are talking about and how living with an alcoholic they always seem to be good to random strangers and relatives and never to themselves. Which ends up hurting you.
that was one hell of a therapist, that’s what i have to say. and yes, you are a kick-ass mom, so clearly the cycle of dysfunction is being broken in your household, huzzah! I love that your daughters will be able to learn, through your stories about your parents, that compassion matters and that even damaged people have something to offer the world. That’s a powerful lesson.
Thank you Deborah – yes I did have one hell of a therapist but actually there were many of them over the years. Two in particular stand out and they were kick-ass, both men, both Jungian-based, heart-based, amazing. I didn’t do too well with therapists who sympathized too much and enabled me to marinate and wallow in the sad places too long. Once I had a woman therapist for a year while my mom was dying, and she basically just sat and listened to me for one whole year, and acknowledged me. But at the end of the year I knew I needed to get a kick-ass therapist who would kind of nudge me in the right direction, someone who didn’t just sit there and empathize. She was lovely – and I needed that year – but the one I had after her was AMAZING. Although he’d listen – he’d stop me from talking as soon as he “got it” – then we’d make a plan for the next right step.
A good therapist or shrink is worth their weight in gold.
Wow! RT @NorthWestMommy: 10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/PEBj6zmD via @adothemomalog #MondayListicles
I grew up in such a household as well. I agree with you on the need to be positive.
Thanks Wayne. One thing I’m not though, is Pollyannaish about it. Being the child of alcoholic parents is an ordeal that takes an awful lot of years of recovery, therapy, and tears to get past. I went through a lot of that – what you might even call “victimhood” – but it was a necessary stage for me to go through. Before I could let it all go I had to acknowledge what I went through, and let me tell you there was a LOT of sadness and self-pity, necessarily so. But now that I’ve processed it – I’ve moved past it. Thank goodness!
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more honest, brave and truthful summary of alcoholism and family. Beautifully written! I admire your courage as much as I admire your heart. Bravo to you.
Thanks Peachy. (-: xo
PS: And thanks too for the RT.
Beautiful and powerful post by @AdoTheMomalog RT: 10 Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/fEYet4kk #alcoholism
Ado, it really is amazing how you turned out, AND that you can make a list and appreciate the good that came out of your parents. I think you’re a pretty amazing lady
P.S. I agree with you on the homeless thing…my mom and us 4 kids were homeless for a whole summer when I was 5. She left her husband (not my dad who she had already divorced), who was beating the crap out of her, and we lived in a homeless shelter. It was scary and crazy and it taught me compassion!!
xo
Jen – oh my God, that is so powerful. What a powerful woman your mom was to get out of that situation, and into a homeless shelter, what an amazing thing she did for you to get away from the abuse. Wow. I hope you have been writing about that experience – if so I would love to read about it. Thank you! (-:
[...] to coming from an alcoholic family with two alcoholic parents, we’ve been a teensy bit [...]
Wow! What a brave and powerful post. As a fellow long-time al-anon member, I still have a hard time attaching to the positive parts of my upbringing. Your post gave me a lot to think about and gave me the shot of gratitude I’ve been missing lately. Thank you! And I’m with you on stopping the legacy (or at least slowing it the f down!). Fabulous post!
Thanks Mary! That’s what’s so great about Alanon – we get these reminders that gently nudge is in the right direction. (-:
I hope you know what an amazing person you are, Ado. Seriously. You have a strength that is unbelievable. My dad was an alcoholic for most of my childhood so I relate to a lot of the things on your list. I love the way you found the positive. Great list
Thanks Delilah. Sorry about your dad.
I was reading the pages you had linked to on this post about your mom. I think I have an insight about her. My mom was also a displaced person in the Pacific part of WWII. Because of what she went through, she has this abiding compassion for homeless people, too and a very generous heart. So do her brothers. I keep thinking every time your mom saw a homeless person she must have been reminded of what it was like to be a displaced refugee and wanted to spare them that pain. Both of your parents had such beautiful and fascinating sides to them.
That story about your cousin is remarkable. I know you’ve accomplished a tremendous amount, yourself. Your parents did seem to have the gift of inspiring self belief and confidence. I can not believe the cousin’s husband left not just his wonderful gifted wife, but also that gorgeous precious baby (and the older children) for that best friend. Who would be attracted to a woman capable of such a vile thing to her best friend? A total creep, that’s who. My jaw hit the floor when I read that and I haven’t been able to pick it up yet.
(I got your email. I’m still down south. I’m not sure my emails are reaching you, I know at least one didn’t. So I’m letting you know here).
Those are some profound insights on the experience of displaced persons. Wow.
And on a happier note, my cousin did recover from that whole horrid experience – maybe he just wasn’t the right man for her and that wasn’t the right best friend – who knows – and she’s re-married now and has a thriving music studio in England. The baby in my arms has grown up to be a pop singer! (And beautiful.) And the other two are thriving with kids of their own. So…”they all lived happily ever after despite the crappy husband and horrid best friend…!”
Yay, I love happy endings!
So do I! (-:
This is an amazing and beautiful post. And powerful. I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said above by others except to thank you for sharing this with us.
Thank you very much for your comment. (-:
So glad there was so much positive in your house. I have a dear childhood friend who has led a tortured life with an alcoholic husband for over 20 years. I can only imagine what her children think about the whole thing. Her husband turns very mean and caustic. They are quite wealthy so it is hard to think of leaving that life — but she wants to so very badly.
Jamie – does your friend know about Alanon? That is the place for her, where she can go to hear from others who have been through her same ordeal, and get inspiration and strength from them – also a place where she can just listen, if she wants, or cry, or raise her hand and say whatever she needs to without being judged or told what to do. Just a thought.
I feel so bad for her – a mean, caustic drunk is the worst. Luckly for me my parents were really nice people, but there were times that the meanness came out and I never forgot it. Not only when they were drunk – but some of the worst stuff they would say was when they were sober but hungover. Living with an alcoholic is a labyrinth of pain and uncertainty for a spouse. Way, way better to be less rich, or financially strapped, and serene – than to be living with an active (and mean) alcoholic and wealthy, in my book.
@YourPocketGuru But probably not! (-: http://t.co/MGOtM9zs
this is one of the bravest, most intelligent, beautiful things I;ve ever read on the internets.
virtual hug
Well oh my God. Thank you so much. I really appreciate that! (-:
Wow, what an amazing view and understanding you have of the disease, especially when affected you directly. Interesting thought on the bright lights that are alcoholics – I think you may very well be right.
Thanks Ally. I really do think it’s true – from what I’ve seen. They just have more “life” in them, more “verve” – of course though when the disease progresses they start to act stupid and repeat themselves endlessly and that sure gets boring – but I mean at the core of them, you know? (-:
[...] 10 Things my alcoholic Parents Taught Me OK, at first blush this doesn’t look like the most uplifting post out there but Ado over at the Momalog shares the good side and some important lessons that she learned as a result. It’s an extremely positive perspective on a situation in which most people just focus on the negative aspects. [...]
Thank you!
I have always thought of myself as a compassionate person, yet it’s obvious I still have much to learn. Thank you for such a gentle, loving lesson in compassion.
Thanks for commenting. (-:
When life is tough as a child, you either wither away or you learn to kick ass. You are so incredibly kick ass that I love it. I work my butt off every minute to NOT pass down my family’s own brand of dysfunction to my kids. You’re a huge inspiration.
Thanks Ilene. PS: You’re kick-ass too, I can tell. xo
A powerful list by @AdoTheMomaLog – Things My Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/2XiIj0wJ #FitFluential #parents #mamavation
Such a good post! You are a GREAT example of how to turn life’s lemons into lemonade. Your kids are lucky to have a strong mom like you to guide them in the right direction despite your family’s habits. Kudos moma!
Thank you SO much Cassie. (-:
I have a husband who became an alcoholic. He has been struggling for about four years. We, our two girls and i, over a year ago.. he is an amazing guy, everyone-i mean everyone- just adores him, he is the go to guy to talk to, he is kind, a GREAT father and has a disease. He cant control it and it breaks my heart. our girls are two and three and love him more then anything. I know exactly what you mean on many levels, my family are alcoholics too, me and my mom broke that chain.. ill admit i am afraid for the girls future having their dad as an alcoholic, but i never knew my dad and i had my troubles but i am strong and have a great life. Even though i have ‘survived’ the life i lived i dont want my girls around alcohol.
He is so lucky to have you in his life. I don’t know what to tell you except your girls are so very lucky that you and your mom broke that chain so they can lead happier lives. I have found Alanon to be very helpful (VERY!) – they have Alanon programs for kids and teens too.
Tweeting this for the person who Googled “can alcoholics be good parents”: 10 Things My #Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/EgVCg3B7
This could have been written by me. MT @AdoTheMomalog: 10 Things My #Alcoholic Parents Taught Me http://t.co/qhlwE2Bs
What an amazing perfect thing to read today. My daughter, Krista is a beautiful kind homeless alcoholic who is so compassionate but just can not stop drinking. Thanks for sharing your love with us
Thank you for stopping by. (-:
I’m just 15 and I’ve started an anonymous blog (http://confessionsofthegirlvotedbestsmile.blogspot.com) chronicling my life and growing up with an alcoholic mom and a dad who’s trying hard to help keep our family together but I love the alcoholics are not evil one, it is so true no matter what many people believe.
Thanks for dropping by, I’ll go check out your blog. Good luck to you and please don’t forget about Alateen. xo
I tried but could not find the link to your blog. Is that the correct URL? I would love to read it.
I am glad you have the strength to share your experiences online and provide firsthand experiences of what you have faced and what you have concluded in the end.
Thanks again!
thanks Mike (-:
Someone that is an alcoholic is disgusting. They care more about their own personal satisfaction than about those around them. I feel that this “disease” is just another way society classifies people tht are weak and worthless into a group that we should feel bad for. These people ruin everyone around them’s life and we should feel bad for them? Sorry but I don’t by if, get over yourself and drive past the bar.
Danielle: I totally get this and have spent much of my time (years) enraged at my parents for being alcoholics, to the point that sometimes I would feel the urge to strangle my mother when she was drunk and I’m not kidding. The rage an ACOA feels is unbelievable and it can consume them unless they stop it and get help. I do not make excuses for alcoholics but I do understand that medically, what they have is a physical allergy that they at some point lose control over and although yes, they do have the luxury of choice whereas a cancer patient does not, at some point it affects their mind and they lose the ability to choose not to drink. I don’t feel as bad for alcoholics as I do their victims when they drive drunk or when they have children and spouses and endlessly hurt and humiliate and put their families in danger – but I know that it isn’t as simple as “get over yourself, drive past the bar” – if they could do this, they would. This is why it has been classified as a disease, physical/mental/spiritual. In the olden days, society used to shun people who were alcoholics, even stone them to death, ridicule them – all based on the thought that they just “needed to get over themselves” and “drive past the bar.” I finally figured this out – and it liberated me from the bitterness, and allowed me to move into the more humane state of compassion.