I know it’s an icky little topic and it might make you uncomfortable but I’m on my period, and I don’t care. I’ve decided that what’s missing in our society is a menstrual hut. They have them in places like Zaire, West Africa, Mali, Hawaii. Native American Indians had them. Why not Maryland?
The menstrual hut was apparently the result of ancient beliefs about the magical properties of menstruating women. A menstruating female could curdle milk or blight crops with a glance, despoil weapons and tools with a touch, and sap the strength of any warrior foolish enough to have intercourse with her. She was feared, basically, because it was considered unnatural to be able to bleed for so many days without dying. So she was shunned.
When a woman gets her period in a place like West Africa she is banished to a hut along with the other “unpure” bleeding women, where she waits for 5 days until her “curse” passes. I’m thinking that it’s probably most women in the village at the same time because women tend to follow each other’s cycles. Also, I’m not an anthropologist and this is just me surmising here but I think some of these cultures invented menstrual huts because men were afraid of women on their periods (and rightly so). So all the women from the village are in the huts menstruating, bitching, talking to each other, bingeing on chocolate, crying, laughing, finding ways to reduce their bloating & cramping. Basically they’re communing - or if they’re alone, they’re isolating - meanwhile back in the village, I assume, the dads are making Mac n’ Cheese for the kids. Right? Or millet porridge with baobab sauce – whatever’s quick.
In West Africa, women are required to sleep in these menstrual huts. The village streets and family homes are off-limits and sexual intercourse and cooking for a husband are strictly forbidden. This to me sounds fantastic.
Note: I understand that in some cultures the menstrual huts are used as a way to oppress women, and also as a way for men to limit cuckolding by tracking their wives’ fertility, but for the purposes of this post I am just going to side-step the whole oppressive history aspect. I’m just talking about me wanting to isolate when I’m on my period, and how the hormones make me a crabby parent.
I think there should be some kind of menstrual village here in Maryland. When I’m on my period it’s like I have rabies: a creature with rabies foams at the mouth, loses its temper, and goes crazy. It has to be chained to a tree or it will attack someone with his front teeth, and rip them apart.
The psychology involved in the daily grind of parenting is hard enough all by itself, but parenting while menstruating – for me – just isn’t possible. I’m sorry to have to over-share like this but I’ve always had unusually harsh periods. I spend the first day clutching a hot water bottle and the whole bottle of Bayer aspirin, moving from the bed to the couch to the bed and back, complaining, carping at people, bitching, apologizing, crying, losing my temper, apologizing, ransacking the pantry in search of chocolate, losing my temper, apologizing – and on it goes at least 48 hours – usually up to 3 days. One time a decade ago, a male therapist suggested that PMS was just my excuse to let myself feel my feelings once a month. (I nearly killed him.) But it was a good point. The good part about my cycle is that it’s a time I get to release all my emotions – whether I want to, or not. This would be fine if I lived alone, but I have other people living with me who are relying on me to be a constant, and to be a role model.
Last year, my husband (who is from Ireland, where in general men-folk do not discuss “female troubles”) quietly took me aside and suggested that maybe it’s not a good idea for me to complain so much about how awful my period is month after month, because our daughters are listening and may grow up to dread their own periods somehow. Or – shock, horror! – bitch about their periods one day, too.
These were really good points. Insightful. And when I heard them, it felt like I’d been hit in the face with a pie: I got it. My self-absorbed complaints needed to stop.
I tried to shut up about it, I really did. This lasted about a month. It turns out that silencing myself while menstruating wasn’t an option, at all, because I say such out-of-character, shitty, moody things the first 48 hours of my period that I have to explain myself, somehow – to my children. It really is like I have rabies, because I blow my top about things that normally don’t bug me, like if someone spills milk or leaves a toy on the stairs or looks at me the wrong way, I can really blow my top. I’ll apologize, of course, but then I’ll blow my top again – within the hour. I understand that this is just about the worst way to parent, because it’s the definition of inconsistency – and we all know that inconsistency totally screws with children’s little psyches because the kids don’t know what to expect next. My monthly moodiness has been going on for years, and by now my family knows instinctively to just take a step back and give me space when I get that rabid, I’m-on-my-period look in my eye – emotionally, and physically – because they know I’m really not in my right mind or body.
My apologies have lost most credibility, at this point, but I continue to apologize and explain that I’m on my period and I’m really not myself so at least they have an understanding of why I’m so werewolfian. So yes, I’m probably setting my daughters up to dread getting their periods, and to perhaps even fear the mood swings that they see me go through, and I know this is a terrible parenting flaw. The only good part about it is that because I’m continuing to verbalize that “I’m on my period,” my children can at least know why Mommy is being such a grouchy-pants. If I had a menstrual hut, I wouldn’t have to apologize so much, because there wouldn’t be anybody to shout at.
The menstrual hut was basically a rest. The pre-cursor of today’s The Red Door spa. And what woman, whether hunter-gatherer, artillery truck driver, CEO, or stay-at-home-mom, could not use five days a month where nothing is demanded of her, no one bugs her, and she’s not required to tend to everyone else’s needs? The menstruating tribeswoman gets to leave behind her pesky children, her husband’s family, her usual obligations, and all the water-hauling, food-gathering, pig-tending, tedium of her everyday life.
When I’m on my period I need to be kept away from all humanity, particularly my husband and children (and other drivers), because I get possessed by a mean version of myself. I’m rude, I think mean thoughts, I tail-gate people, I nag, I snap, I glare at clerks impatiently, and I’m just not fit to be in public. All I want to do is lie on the couch in the darkened basement – alone – with a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter cups – watching Inspector Morse videos.
Me, Reese’s PB cups, and Morse.
The truth is I’m not a very good parent for about 3 days when I get my period, I’m an awful one. I really just want everybody to fuck off.
So that does it. I’m going to build a menstrual hut behind our house.
Here’s a link to an interesting movement – the Red Tent.
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Forget the menstruating.
I just want the hut.
Ditto!
@kdwald — don’t forget @AdoTheMomalog. http://t.co/eu37MYBv @jezebel @motherjones
When reading The Red Tent, I thought the same thing. Hmmm. Nice idea. Kind of like a Man Cave, but with better seating and lots of chocolate. You’ve definitely got the menstrual zeitgeist going on here!
Twitter: kdwald
Very timely. I’m here at the beach with my in-laws…IN-LAWS…and my period just started in earnest last night. I just came back from Alligator Adventure wildlife park which is outdoors in the hot southern summer heat. We were there about two hours in the sweltering heat… me and my gigantic dinosaur sized pad. Anyway I have to behave and be nice not just around my husband and kid but the in-laws. God help me. My father in law is a wonderful man but kind of used to being spoiled by women. For example he never makes the coffee, he waits in bed until he smells it brewing, I think. Even after it is brewed his wife pours it in the cup for him, adds the cream and sugar, then takes it to him. Every effing morning. He got to retire but she didn’t. That sort of thing drives me nuts under the best of circumstances. With PMS it makes me see homicidal rage. My hubby told me to not miss your post. I think he is hinting I need a hut, too. Preferably with a/c. Well off I go again, back out into the heat and among the unsuspecting public. Thanks for the excellent post and laughs.
Oh my – come build your hut next to mine in our back yard.
Homicidal rage – I forgot to use that particular term in this post. It’s a familiar one each month!
PS: I cannot believe he waits in bed until his coffee comes. She’s just as guilty of creating the dynamic as he is! I don’t know who is worse the husband, or the wife! Or: maybe they are happy? Something to consider…!
He doesn’t actually wait in bed for the cup itself but I noticed he never sets up the coffee maker even on the rare occasion he is the first one up. He will wander around and she finds him and takes the cup to him. He can’t do any domestic chores for himself at all. Not a one. Even my grandfather cooked breakfast and did chores after he retired and grand pop would be about 107 today. So I don’t think it’s just a generational thing. They are happy but it is aggravating to live in witness of their dynamic.
I am surprised you didn’t tear your hubby a new one when he told you it wasn’t a good idea to complain about your period. I told my hubby more than a few times he could render opinions about my PMS when he starts having periods himself. I actually did once work with a guy who got male pms which is a real phenomena. He would get unbearably bitchy like clockwork once a month. He was worse than any woman I know. When I read about male “PMS” years later I realized that was true about my friend, Mark. Sigh…we did not go out yet. Getting four adults and a kid coordinated to go out is sometimes difficult.
I just told my kids about the ancient tribal tradition of the menstrual hut & they offered to decorate our shed for me. http://t.co/rZBYz29N
I could use a menstrual hut, and I had a hysterectomy five years ago!!
Twitter: CynthiaMeents
Everybody needs one! (-: We could even build man-huts and send our husbands into them.
Oh dear, you mean it doesn’t get better even with a hysterectomy? Eeks. (-:
Oh hell ya – sign me up! I want a hut and I’ve even got a few weeks to throw one together now, lol! Seriously, I can’t think of anything better because I also have some harsh PMS. All those raging emotions plus serious cramps equal not a happy, motivated or pleasant mom at all. So, you are not alone and I also feel guilty and apologize every month but….well, you know how it is. In my hut, I’d have magazines, ice cream, a DVD player, a season or three or True Blood and I’d be good to go. Sorry family, no cooking or chores for me all week – BLISS!
Twitter: mommy_padawan
We should do a link up of brief posts describing our huts. Designing them. Furnishing them…!
If I had a menstrual hut, I’d just pretend to have my period all the time.
I have only had 2 periods in the last 3 1/2 years. I have NO excuse for my shittyness. Damnit.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
Well thanks Alison for giving me another way to look at it: at least I have an excuse to use. (-:
Ha ha ha ha ha!!!
This is one of those topics that always makes me sigh. First, in solidarity and recognition and relief that I’m not the only one who wants everyone to screw off when I’m about to get my period (my horrible days are the two right before I start). I totally want a communal hut where we can escape the kids, the husbands and work and eat chocolate.
The other reason for the sigh is that I don’t want this to be true. I don’t want men to have any ground to stand on when they ask if it’s our time of the month when we’re justifiably ticked off at some stupid crap they’ve done. I don’t want women to be considered unpredictable because it could be used against them in the workplace.
But hormones are very, very real, and I’m afraid that there’s just no denying that it’s different to be a woman, and that yes, perhaps they really should leave us the f*** alone for a few days every month.
Also, my mom never talked about or complained about her period in front of me when I was growing up, and I still b**ch about mine all the time, so I think your husband is worried unnecessarily.
Twitter: teamrasler
Jessica – such good points! First, it is important for us all to know this is real and we are not alone – and also, we are different than men, and even though we know this it’s irritating as hell when they come to us and do the classic Woody Allen line, “Is it that time of the month again?” – wink/wink, nudge/nudge. Thing is, our anger is real (hormonally charged, but real) – fueled by hormones, it’s still legit. Jeez.
You know – my mom didn’t mention her period – not once – and yet, here I am doing it. So – go figure – great point, thanks
I can’t tell you how wonderful the timing of this topic has been and how reassuring the other ladies’ comments have been. As I get closer to the age my mom was when she started menopause, my PMS has been getting more pronounced. I get depressed and sometimes really think maybe when my parents pass away and leave me their little house I should just pack up and move to it, and the hubby and kid can continue on in a happier life free of my moods once I hit menopause. I don’t know why but I thought I was the only one to be such a godawful grouch once a month.
We just got back from playing miniature golf in the sweltering humidity. I don’t know how I survived and kept my good humor while badly cramping. The irony of it all was the theme of the golf course was Island tiki huts. I could not stop thinking of menstrual huts!
Tiki huts, menstrual huts…you should’ve ducked into one and set up camp with your chocolate and Midol and told your family to come back and get you in 5 days! A tiki hut – what an adorable idea for a menstrual hut. PS: Put the kybosh on that “I’ll just move into mom’s house and wear her clothes” idea – immediately! (-:
Um. I absolutely loved this post! But, then again, I think most of the worlds problems can be solved by a group of women in a hut. ; ) And I can’t believe there is a Red Tent movement! Sign me up!
And I agree – it’s probably better that the girls view you as whiny about your period rather than think you’re struggling with some kind of personality disorder. If you can’t be consistent, you might as well at least explain it.
Twitter: mamzungu
Well that makes me feel so much better! (-: Thanks Kim.
PS: Aren’t you in Africa somewhere? I wonder if there are any real menstrual huts around where you are?
“I just want everyone to fuck off” pretty much sums it up for me too when I’m on my period. Menstrual Huts are brilliant!!!
Twitter: januarydawn1
I like the idea, but I think the men should have to go there during the menstrual cycle. And the kids, they have to take the kids with them.
Twitter: Twinisms