Last week there was a chance that a group of family friends might come for dinner, so my husband and I had what is quite possibly the most useless conversation we ever had about what to feed them. I just had to write it down.
These people were from New Zealand, Mexico City, Virginia, and Paris.
My husband is from Dublin so his mammy cooked for him right up until I met him. I’m from a wildly erratic alcoholic family where a meal might be standing in front of the fridge dipping an Oscar Meyer weiner into a jar of mayo, or it might be escargot out of shells followed by a flambed thing. My dad once had to go to the hospital after dinner (one reason why I never eat leftovers).
Menus are tricky for us. It’s not like I have a neat little box of family recipe cards passed down to me from my family. I have a hard time figuring out what normal is, in every category – and menus are no exception. So in my quest to try and figure out where normal is, I usually go totally overboard.
Of course, we were doomed.
Me: What the hell are we going to serve?
Dermot: A good question.
Me: I don’t want to let perfectionism and a desire to appear hipper and more gourmet than we really are lead us down the usual rabbit warren of despair.
Him: We’ll just have a BBQ.
Me: Who says we have to get stressed out? We can serve our usual: Bubba burgers. But could you please not make such a big smokey drama over at the grill this time?
Him: What about steamed lobster?
Here’s the problem: my husband is a Pisces – infatuated with the potential inherent in all possibility. So he goes on tangents, and despite my Leo self, I follow him. If we’re planning a vacation and decide to go to Florida, minutes before we book the trip he’ll say something unhelpful like, “But what about Ibiza?” and I follow him. It’s just not healthy.
Me: I’m not sure you even know how to cook lobster since you’ve never done it before and you might poison our dinner guests.
Him: Steamed crabs.
Me: Killing live things in front of children = PTSD, down the line.
Husband: We could order in fresh cracked crab! Tom had it delivered for a party.
Me: We cover the table with newspaper and everybody gets a hammer?
Husband: That’s what Tom did.
We pictured this – there would be some kind of drink – a local micro-brew – that pairs with crab – in steins. But then we realized we’ve never done anything remotely like this, we don’t have steins, and French and Mexican and American children with hammers…
Him: I’ve got it: New Zealand lamb!
Me: You can’t serve lamb to a New Zealander who knows the fuck how to cook it. You just cannot. That would be like making sushi for Japanese people. Making borscht for a Russian.
Him: It wouldn’t.
Me: Don’t you remember that time we had British people over and I tried to make actual sausage for them, from scratch? How dumb was that?! And when they tasted it you could see it in their faces? I’m not doing that again.
Him: All we would need to do is make sure the mint sauce is fresh, in honor of your father.
There’s this story about my dad pestering everybody about needing fresh mint sauce – not bottled, fresh – and my husband just can’t let it go.
Me: You’re triggering me.
Him: Fresh mint sauce. Fresh!
Me: Stop it.
Him: Mint-sauce. Mint-sauce. Mint-sauce.
Me: What type of lamb would you get? Butterflied, roast, chops, crown roast?
Him: Crown roast. We’d need to get the paper crowns.
Him: How about you do your paella that you always make?
We paused to picture the perfection of a large pot of paella on the stove, a blue and white checked table cloth, crusty baguettes…people asking, “But where did you learn to cook so expertly?”
Him: (Flipping through the cookbook which we have not cooked from yet, because it is too difficult for us). Seared scallops with a chipotle vinaigrette and wilted greens!
Me: But that means we have to sear and wilt things.
He didn’t hear me because he was flipping through the cookbook, imagining our perfection. All the possibilities.
Him: I can do salmon! Grilled salmon in chipotle vinaigrette.
Me: Have you even ever tasted a chipotle before?
Him: Peking duck!
Me: You’re all derailed! You are stressing us out! Stop it, stop it, stop the insanity!
Him: But why? Why can’t we for once figure out the perfect menu and have people over and just serve it?
Me: Because we both know that we’re going to end up serving frozen Bubba burgers on thin paper plates because we can’t handle the pressure. We are not chefs, we microwave things. Why are we even having this conversation?
Husband: Seared scallops with chipotle vinaigrette, then.
Me: What about the salmon, with a couscous salad? Everybody gets a compact square of scrumptiousness.
And it’s right back into the dysfunction!
Him: With the chipotle vinaigrette?
Me: No – hollandaise. You’re forgetting about the Parisian.
Him: There is a Parisian? An actual Parisian is coming to eat at our house?
Me: I told you this.
Him: Oh, no. This is not good. Escargot!
Me: WHO SERVES ESCARGOT AT A COME-AS-YOU-ARE BBQ????
Him: Fois gras, then. Force-fed, but oh-so delicious!
Me: What if they’re vegans? What would you do if you served them POLITICALLY INCORRECT FOIS GRAS?
Him: I’d take it into the kitchen and eat it all myself. I’d wash it down with a glass of port.
Me: Maybe we should just do the lamb with mint sauce.
Him: But the mint sauce has to be fresh…
And on we went.
PS: They ended up not coming for dinner. We met them at a restaurant in D.C., and Ella ordered Mac n’ Cheese.
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Hahahahaha!!! Best conversation EVER.
I wouldn’t have bothered trying to figure out a menu. I would either have suggested going out to a restaurant (but would that entail a convoluted dialogue about what kind of restaurant?) or give them a bunch of takeout menus and they can order whatever the hell they want. From different places. OR, hey, POTLUCK!
This is why I will never host a dinner party.
Twitter: AlisonSWLee
This is hilarious! I love how you and your husband plan! I’ll volunteer to be a fly on the wall next time you’re having a dinner party! I’m the quintessential menu planner. Actually, that’s all I am. I love to pour over magazines, epicurious.com, Pinterest for recipe ideas and weigh the pros/cons of every option. Then I’ve used up all my time planning so I end up ordering takeout. Great post! And what’s a fish knife? Pinterest here I come!
Twitter: ateachablemom
Oh that is so funny – maybe I’ll get my husband up on Pinterest next time and we can plan it that way before we all go out to eat. I’m not quite sure what a fish knife is – it’s something you might see at Queen Elizabeth’s table – you use it to eat fish, I think…
I love this! Joe and I go through the same thing whenever we plan a dinner party. It ends up being much more stressful than necessary. Our favorite meal memory is when Joe’s brother came down for a weeklong visit, and we each had a different protein: I had salmon, Joe had pork tenderloin, and his brother had steak – and we cooked it by ourselves, however we wanted to. When it was all done, we took turns going to the different stations and sampling. Standing up in the kitchen, no less! Amazingness can come out of the least expected places.
Twitter: TheBareMidriff
That’s actually a really cool idea – different protein for each person…
When my parents were married in the early 60s someone gave my mom a cookbook that I swear could have been called “Hosting a Dinner Party for Dumbasses.” The food is totally out of date- true- but the instructions were written at about a 3rd grade level.
I love that book.
Twitter: marylweimer
Sounds right up my culinary alley. (-:
How Not To Plan A Menu http://t.co/ic1PRF4C via @sharethis
I read this post and the one about all the weird stuff you ate as a kid. We are flip sides of the same coin. You’re the west coast European side and I’m the east coast Asian side…of the same damned background, issues, and complications. I can’t wait to show Mike this post. We totally relate. We’ve had similar struggles even over picking a restaurant.. I’m laughing to myself. Awesome post. Love it! But I would not have believed it comes from the same couple who host such amazing parties for kids.
These days with nut allergies, lactose intolerance, gluten allergies, and veganism so prevalent, it’s way more complicated hosting a dinner than it was for my mother in law, who was always the hostess with the mostest. When I go to her for advice she can’t understand why I can’t just throw down a meat, a veg, a starch, baked goods and call it an event. Of course politically correct dining doesn’t even register with her. She can’t relate to me agonizing over allergies and people abstaining from certain foods as a form of activism.
My mom is a decent hostess but yeah, I’ve got pickled pigs feet horror stories of my own…so…um…yeah…let’s not go there.
You’re the Asian version of my pickled pigs hooves horror stories. (-:
Your mother-in-law sounds like she knows what she’s talking about.
Oh I forgot, next time just serve…NYOODLES!
Touche, ChipMom! (-:
Funniest thing I’ve read in a while. “@AdoTheMomalog: How Not To Plan A Menu http://t.co/uwXUas7d via @sharethis”
The Parisian really just blew the whole thing out of the water.
My hubby and I are so inept at hosting and menu planning in our home, that we bought a restaurant so we can host friends and family there instead. Speaking of which…let’s plan a gathering with you, D, and the girls soon.
Ha ha ha! Why don’t you have us over for DINNER? And you can cook D. OCTOPUS?! (-:
This is too funny. My husband and I do the same thing everytime people are coming over. And we always end up ordering out because we can’t agree. Love the international element thrown into this menu dilemma!
Twitter: Mamarific
This is outlaw mama on her hubs’ account. HE IS A PICES too and I am a Cancer so we have a similar dynamic. I love how you described him as seeing the inherent possiblity in every situation. Jeff is like that. I love/hate that about him. I like order and to follow the plan. And I would die if I had to host that many people. You are so cosmopolitan!
Well I’m going to start calling you Jeffrey if you don’t mind. (-:
The thing is I’m not as cosmopolitan as it would appear because really, I’m JUST SERVING BUBBA BURGERS OVER HERE CHEZ MOI, aren’t I? (-:
Being married to a Pisces can be ultra-romantic and at the same time, incredibly irritating and confusing!
I’m with you. It is too stressful to plan s dinner party much less cook one. And with such an international mix of dinner guests. I would have done the same thing. When we are deciding to have people over I always wonder why I don’t try out recipes from time to time to use when it counted. Never do. Enjoyed reading. Great dialogue.
Twitter: southmainmuse
So funny! I wonder what you finally decided to make before knowing you were going out?!
Twitter: snapsandbits
Bubba burgers. (-:
Funny, Ado. That you were willing to have a dinner party at all is commendable. Entertaining is anathema to me. And I’m a fairly decent cook. I’m just not good at talking so that’s a problem. Going out works well as long as you take your own car and you can escape immediately afterwards. I think I revealed way too much here. I better stop.
Twitter: B4Steph
Ha! Stephanie, I am a big fan of “bring your own transport” and “having an escape route in advance” so you can get out quickly. big fan. (-:
Oh my word!!! And here I’m stressing over what’s for dinner! You take it to a whole new level!
Twitter: yourdoctorswife
Hahah going to a restaurant sounds like a good idea…
Twitter: MayorGia
It was!
This is the exact conversation we have EVERY TIME we talk about someone coming over for a BBQ. Summer= you grill some shit, make some sides and move on. What is with these husbands thinking they’re all Gordon Ramsey and Wylie Dufresne?
Twitter: nystoopmama
It’s ego – all my husband can cook are poached eggs, grilled burgers, and turkeys! Gordon Ramsey he’s not! (-:
HAHAHAHA! Love this! Occasionally we have people over for dinner but I refuse to do anything as formal as host a dinner party ever because THE PRESSURE! ACK! I like cooking as a hobby, not as a performance or a sport. When people come over we buy a nice piece of fish and sear it then plonk down a salad and loaf of bread and call it good.
Well done post!
Twitter: LarksNotesThis
Wow – this just was seriously life-changing advice for me: buy protein, seer it, plonk down a salad and a hunk of bread and call it good. I think you’ve saved me. (-: Thanks !
So funny, but now I’m triggered and stressed. We are having people over for Labor Day. Well, at least I think we are. I haven’t issued a real (Facebook) invitation because I haven’t figured out what to serve. Or if we are going to get the giant water slide (classy). And you have to include the details of what you’re serving and what inflatable thing you’re having on the invite. Well, at least I have mentioned it to people. One friend dictated when her neighbors could have their party because of my (non) party. And at least Erin will be there. There are so many people in her family that every outing with them is a party.
Do you feel better about yourself now?? ELlen
Twitter: SensibleMoms
I want Erin to come to our house with all her relatives and bring pot luck. And a giant slide!
Re. your labor day party just do what Larks (above) does: protein, salad, hunk of bread and you’re good. Do a potluck style dessert thing, if they don’t like the main course people can stuff themselves on the cheesecake. (-:
I gave @AdoTheMomalog +K about Food on @klout.bc your post on How Not to Plan a Menu was FABULOUS! http://t.co/sED0mqHI http://t.co/RkwqFgaW
Bahaha! Dying! DYING! I want to have dinner at your house. I happen to be a big fan of Bubba burgers and you two are hilarious.
Twitter: Michigan_Left
You bring the Bubba burgers then, I’ll just bring the stress! (-:
If you and your spouse have ever tried to plan a dinner party, you will appreciate this. http://t.co/iLej1D0V @AdoTheMomalog #yeahwrite71
Too funny! I’m married to a Pisces, too. Love him, but why do I always feel that I’m the one tethering him to the ground? Without me, he’d be floating around out there with no sense of reality…
Twitter: IASoupMama
Pisces: the fish swimming in two directions at all times…
You already know how much I adored this post, but I forgot to tell you that I had to read it to my boyfriend as well because you had me laughing so much! He especially loved the part about your husband being a Pisces, I’m one as well, so Brian can totally feel your pain! Looking forward to those Bubba burgers
Thank you once again for being so thoroughly entertaining!
Twitter: MillenialMonstr
I am totally serious – when you are ever in town please just shoot me an email and we’ll start the whole “Oh Jesus what will we feed these people” routine again, and you can come over for dinner!
Hahaha, this was an AWESOME conversation!
I love to read things like this that give you a real peek into someone’s life.
P.S. Who doesn’t love mac and cheese?
Twitter: happinesscubed
I love it, it’s comfort food. (-:
Mint sauce! Mint sauce! (I really hate mint sauce on my lamb but now I want to make it, why, why, why, why?)
Twitter: saalon
Fresh!
Ha! A restaurant sounds like the perfect solution!
Twitter: ratherthecouch
OMG! That sounds like us…panic attacks when we have to cook for “normal” people! We usually have a big pot of beans and chicken and whatnot and call it good. A restaurant was a great choice!
Twitter: PeskyPippi
See the thing is – most people really love just having someone else cook for them, and “normal” food like chicken and a pot of beans and a side – they love. I don’t know why we all have to make it so dern complicated!
At what point were you ready to wring his neck? Hard to tell, but it seemed implied?
Twitter: dudeofthehouse
Well the sick part is I was right there with him, the whole way. See – we’re perfect for each other. (-:
Best. Conversation. EVER. both of you are hilarious. Especially cracked up at the horoscope thing. Great piece!!!
Twitter: 50peach
Thanks Peach. (-:
I just saw your entry. I’m sorry I missed voting! Great post.
Twitter: lucyball15