I’ve used the term ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) for something like 30 years, but not until now have I ever actually associated the word “child” with the word “alcoholic” because I never imagined that alcoholism could happen to a child. You could be a child of an alcoholic, but I never thought a child could be an alcoholic – even though my family is riddled with serious, fully-grown alcoholics – they are young adult alcoholics, and adult alcoholics. My nephew is just fourteen, a child. A child alcoholic.
Many of you have expressed concern about my nephew – thank you for that and for your kind thoughts, and your prayers. This is an update on how he is doing. He was in a children’s psychiatric hospital for many weeks and was recently released, despite the fact that my sister would love to keep him in there, where she knows that is safe and out of harm’s way. He was released to the custody of his father – hard to believe, but it’s true. They currently have 50/50 custody – so he first goes with his dad, then to her, then back. And so on – the crazy ride that is post-divorce custody. It’s gotten to the point though, where he doesn’t want to go to my sister’s home (which is truly beautiful and which she has made a wonderful “home” by every definition) – and a few times she has had to call the sheriff just to get her son to come home with her (how sad is that?). The reason for this, we think, is that he and one of his brothers are suffering from Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), and also because he is an alcoholic who has no access to money or alcohol at my sister’s house – but his father gives him “pocket money,” had a history of buying cigarettes for him, and previously had a garbage-can sized vat of homemade plum wine in his back yard which the boys could easily access. If you were an active alcoholic, which house would you prefer?
The psychiatrist had asked my sister to come in to the hospital for a meeting with her ex-husband. It isn’t easy for her to get there because the hospital is two hours away from her house, which means four hours of driving in one day, every day, and visiting hours are twice daily at 1 and 5 o’clock. For the first week, she checked into a nearby hotel even though most of her money has gone to fighting the court battles with her ex – and hotels are expensive. Despite this, she showed up at every visiting hour – but during some visiting hours, her son had “outside time” – the only hour of the day he could be outside, and she didn’t want to take that away from him so she would return to the hotel and come back at the next visiting hour. She never knew for sure if she would get to see him – he might be having a therapy session, or his father might be visiting. So it was always a crap-shoot, for her, and never very easy – but she’s made countless two-hour drives to show up for him.
At the meeting, the psychiatrist said he couldn’t keep her son in lock-down any longer because he was not at a place where he wanted recovery. This means they can’t admit him to their in-patient program to treat alcoholism because a patient has to want sobriety and recovery in order to start treatment. He told them that they would be releasing him. Hopefully, the doctor said – when he drinks again (when, not if – it’s always like that, with alcoholics, even child alcoholics) they will admit him and they are hoping that at that point he might be willing to start treatment in earnest. So my sister is bracing herself for the awful dark places that are just ahead. It’s very sad, because she’s been there too with our parents, and her first son who now has a year and change sobriety – and in my opinion, this is way too much for one person, a wonderful, beautiful single mother who is a deeply loving mom, to handle.
My nephew inherits $100k on his eighteenth birthday. When his older brother turned 18 and inherited this amount, he was not equipped to deal with it and spent most of it on drugs, a Ducati motorcycle, and who knows what else – in something like six months. We made him spend the final $14k on an in-patient treatment center, thank God. The best $14k anyone ever spent.
This time, my sister is ready. She has arranged it so that if her son requires long-term hospitalization again, or needs to go into a therapeutic sober boarding school – and her ex-husband refuses to pay for it as he has done in the past – and the psychiatrist signs a form agreeing to this – the courts can release the money to be used for that purpose. Her argument, sadly, is basically that this child won’t be alive by his 18th birthday, if he doesn’t get the help he needs now. What better use for it than to save his life?
The psychiatrist said he wanted to start the meeting by discussing the issues her son has with my sister. Her son says he is angry at her for asking too many questions. He says she hassles him – about where he’s going, who his friends are, what he’s doing, where he got whatever pocket money he has – you name it. He’s furious at her for this. My sister told the doctor that she is well-aware that her questions bother her son. He told her, “Mom, if you want to know what makes me angry it’s that you ask too many questions.”
She said, “I don’t want to make light of this but is it alright if I ask a question?”
Her son: “Okay.”
My sister: “What are the questions that bother you?”
Her son: “You hassle me. You ask me where I’m going, who my friends are, what I’m up to, who bought me cigarettes, where I get the money from.”
She said: “I’m afraid that one is non-negotiable. I’m your parent, not your friend, and being a parent involves me knowing who your friends are, where you are, and what you are doing. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to stop asking questions.”
My sister rocks! Score one for the mommy!
After hearing her response, the doctor turned to her sociopathic/assholic/unbelievably horrible ex-husband-who-is-a-physician, and said: “Your son has informed me that you have served him alcohol, on several occasions.”
My sister was over-the-moon – here was validation, finally, that what she has been shouting from the roof-tops for years – that this man has been overtly contributing to their child’s alcoholism – is true. She has been trying to tell everybody this for years – CPS, the lawyers, the judge, the mediators – but none of them would believe her or act on it because it was all hearsay, none of it could actually be proven. So this was a first.
You would think there’d be no way they would release her son back to his father’s custody after that. Right? Especially when her son finally told the doctors he had a plan in place to kill himself, one that involved a gun, and her ex-husband has a collection of hand guns and rifles at his house. But no.
Most parents would be enraged if they heard their child accused them of serving them alcohol and they hadn’t – they would be visibly upset, they would show some kind of strong reaction – but her ex showed no emotion. He just shrugged. He manufactured a tame, baffled expression – the same one that has worked so well for him over the last ten years – and calmly said, “Well, I can’t actually recall any incident where I ever served him alcohol,” – in a mild-mannered, perplexed tone that probably made my sister want to Superman the fuck over the table and strangle the mother-fucker. I know I would.
“He’s lying,” he said.
The doctor’s response to this calm facade? “Well, it’s not your recollection that matters, here. It’s your son’s perception that matters, and according to him, you served him alcohol.”
(So WHY did they let him go home with his FATHER?!)
The doctor also said that their son expressed a certainty that his father doesn’t love him, because he serves him alcohol.
My sister was relieved at this turn of events because it means the doctor witnessed (and documented) the fact that her ex-husband is facilitating their child’s alcoholism, like she has said all along (this is one of the reasons her two younger sons prefer to stay at their father’s house, because they have access to alcohol and he gives them money to buy cigarettes, and at my sister’s house – there isn’t even Listerine available). You would think that this will help when they have the custody hearing at the end of the month (she is suing for full custody now, even though two of her sons are exhibiting signs of being brainwashed with PAS). But now – surely, the court will take into account the fact that the ex-husband has provided this child with alcohol?)
After the meeting, the doctor asked them both to not tell their son that he would be released in a few days, so that he could fully participate in his remaining time at the hospital. So when my sister went into visit him, her ex had just left. Her son told her that his dad told him he was getting released and “would be going home with Dad.” Her ex had once again undermined his son’s recovery by telling him he was going to be released, and would be going home with him – all so he could “get” him and take him back home with him. I think he wants him living at his house so he can show the courts that he is a good father, the preferred father, even though he is actively facilitating his son’s alcoholism, and has been ordered by the court not to buy cigarettes for this child (I’m sorry, but isn’t the fact that the court knows that he bought his own child cigarettes on numerous occasions enough to warrant stripping his custody rights?!). I think it has to do with the fact that he doesn’t want to pay my sister child support any longer. If his sons live with him full-time, he doesn’t have to pay child support.
My sister told me that even though it’s hard to see her child when he’s mad, which is practically all the time now, even though he is clearly suffering from the effects of long-term PAS she always hugs him, she always tells him she loves him (and this can’t be easy, given the level of bitterness he is exhibiting toward her right now). At their last meeting, when he got up and walked away from her – she had to swallow back her tears yet again, and she said, “Hey,” and walked over to where he was standing and hugged him. She said, “I love you.”
That is one strong woman.
Then she had to leave him, again. She had to get back in her car and drive two more hours back to her house, hoping and praying that some way, some how, all of this is going to work out in the end – that she is going to get full custody and her son is going to get away from the influence of his father, and get the help he needs.
But I believe he knows. He knows that she loves him. Somewhere inside him, he knows.
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Ado: your sister’s courage is monumental. I mean it. There should be monuments in town squares for women like her. I hope to God she can also take care of herself through this ordeal, that she has sources of validation and support outside the fucking court system. Does she read this blog and take in the enormous love that comes through your writing about her and the many expressions of understanding and solidarity?
The psychiatrist seems to be something better than totally clueless, but rendered ineffectual by the insane system he works within. And I was glad to hear that your older nephew has some sobriety now. Is he in contact with the “father?”
Your commitment to telling this story is inspiring. Your voice is so alive in this writing, painful as it is. Thank you.
Thanks so much for your kind words, Corey. Yes, she needs a statue erected to represent the ferocity of her love for her children. Her oldest son lives with her and does not speak with his father at all anymore. He is simply recovering, he doesn’t speak much, he is just spending a lot of time sitting in AA meetings and soaking up the recovery, and when he’s not there he’s in the center of the herd – hanging out with his fellowship, trying his best to recover.
I’m just so angry that your sister has to deal with this, that your nephew is going through this, that fucking alcoholism just keeps hanging on in your life in some form or manner.
And I’m so very sad for your sister that she has to deal with this, that alcoholism is just trying to break her in every way, but am glad that she has a spine of steel and brass balls.
I hope that your nephew finds his way out of the darkness. I don’t know how, when or who can pull him out (stupid system, by the way), but I hope it happens and soon.
I’ve learned from this long road of dealing with the spectre of alcoholism – all I can do is breathe in and breathe out, and pray for them.
Being a new follower, and being told about your nephew’s story (by Sandra @letters-of-muse.com) I have just spent the last 40 minutes catching up on the three posts you have written telling his story, so forgive me for this long comment.
I am shocked, concerned, appalled, saddened and hopeful at hearing this story. Your sister has got to be one of the strongest people on the planet. This sounds like something you would see on TV on Dr. Phil or intervention or something like that. I would seriously consider you to be one of the strongest people on the planet, just having ‘met you’ and knowing that you’ve gone through what you did as a child and while you were growing up, but to relive it all again only with your own children?! It’s not fair! I hope and pray to any and all Gods that she stays strong and can rescue all of her sons at the end of all this. I will keep her, her sons and you in my prayers.
Also I agree with Corey (above). Your dedication to telling this story is remarkable. It HAS to be hard for you to type out and share this story with your social medial friends although we’re supportive. I hope your sister does read this blog and can understand and feel the very high regard you hold her even despite your relationship of the past. As sisters your relationship may not have been so strong, but as mothers I believe we all have a connecting and strong bond together in one way or another. May that bond help you both be strong for each other today and every tomorrow.
Thank you SO much, Cassie.
You know – since I’m a writer, it isn’t too painful to write this stuff down as much as it is healing, for me. To tell the world what’s going on in the dark underbelly of my extended alcoholic family is healing – because there is such a long, dark history of stigma and of families keeping “secrets” around the alcoholism. So for me – this blog is a way for me to heal, and to maybe help others connect and see that they’re not alone, that it is possible to get through it.
That said, reading a post after people have commented on it with so much thoughtfulness and kindness – that can be a tear-jerker, for me! (-: Thanks Cassie for your comments, and for reading.
I can’t imagine what your sister (and you) are going through with all of this. Not to mention your nephew.
One idea – and I don’t know if this is something you’ve already considered, or even whether it is possible, but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
If you think he is trying to get custody in order to stop paying her maintenance, is there any way she can give up her right to all child support? I know that this would not be ideal, and of course, it is galling to think that he can get away with paying nothing, when rightly he SHOULD be paying, but obviously we are far beyond ‘ideal’ and doing the right thing. The mother and children living together, even without child support, sounds like the lesser of two evils.
Sorry if you’ve considered and ruled this out for some reason.
And, hugs.
That is an excellent idea, and one I hadn’t thought of (but I’m sure she has). My sister had a long and great career in her profession of choice and is very gifted in what she does (did) but in the last 6 months she lost her job, quite likely as a direct result of the PTSD she’s been diagnosed with in relation to having to endure all this stress for over a decade now since her divorce. She is now facing bankruptcy and things are not looking good financially, so she’s not in a position right now to forego the support he pays her, I don’t think. It’s unbelievably sad and hard and awful. And I believe – knowing what I know about the situation – that even if the money factor wasn’t there, he would still continue to go after her, just for the sport of it. He is a cruel, abusive person and would not stop, I am sure. She is tethered to him in a way for the rest of her life because he is the father of her children. I’m hoping if she gets custody she could maybe move away and start anew away from him, fingers crossed. Thanks for your idea though – it was a good one.
Pas and alcoholism are so heartbreaking. I imagine your sister is exhausted and heartbroken. And I hope alanon is really strong in her community. God bless them all.
– the outlaw mama
This just still boggles my mind. Fourteen years old. I have three sons, two older than fourteen, one younger. I see their youth and innocence and can’t even fathom a boy that age smoking and drinking. My prayers are with your family. All of you. That those with pure motives may have the strength to do what needs to be done, and that those who do not will have a change of conscience.
Thank you Lisha.
My heart hurts reading this. I feel so frustrated for your sister, so angry that the system fails mothers and children like this.
Kind of sad & disheartened today: Update On My Nephew http://t.co/2p9S2JoN via #alcoholism
SO sorry for all your sister and her sons are going through….so frustrating and sad. Hopefully your nephew survives long enough to realize who really loves him and who will give him the best shot at a productive future. I will keep your sister and her boys in my thoughts and prayers.
Your sister might be the strongest woman I’ve ever heard about. I’d be in jail having killed the ex-husband. I’m trying to remember from you previous post about all this – is the ex-husband an alcoholic or drug user himself? If so, he’ll never help his son(s) because he’d be forced to face his own demons. If not, the only word I can think of is evil.
It is a huge frustration (that doesn’t seem like a strong enough word) to see our social and legal systems fail like this. To see a mother struck completely helpless in trying to save her child’s life. It makes me want to scream.
Yes the ex-husband is likely alcoholic and so is his current wife, however I am only saying what we suspect, this is not fact. Also we suspect he is taking something but it can’t be proven, he’s operating under the radar and is a well-respected physician, highly regarded in the community. He keeps accusing my sister of being bi-polar and manic depressive, which she has not been diagnosed with (certainly she gets depressed sometimes, and occasionally loses her temper – who wouldn’t?) but I’m thinking he is projecting his own issues onto her. I have no idea though.
Are there any pro-bono legal and/or advocacy groups who might take up sister’s case and go to court on her behalf to sue the perp (ex-huasband) for the clearly malicious and self-serving shit he’s been pulling?
And he’s a doctor, yet? Any doctor-watchdog groups out there? I’ve run into docs in the rooms who are part of an “Impaired Physicians” network.
This dude sounds like the type of sociopath who, unfortunately, is perversely brilliant at covering his tracks, skilled at role-playing, and knows exactly how to work systems to his shameful advantage. Write a screenplay, Ado.
She has found a group in her area that is an activist group focused on outing the corruption in her area’s family court system. It’s a whole other story but from what I understand she’s in one of the worst “old boy’s” family court systems ever. This group is helping her with moral support and meetings. Apparently her ex’s attorney hired the mediator they work with, so since he is on that attorney’s payroll…he leans in one direction. She finally realized she didn’t have to sit in the same room with him and the mediator – which has been re-abusive to her – and asked the mediator if they could meet separately. The mediator initially said no, but she understood her rights and filed the proper form with the courts, and now the mediator has to meet with them both separately. When the mediator heard that her son had a blood alcohol level of 4.0 or something super high, his response? –> “Well, boys will be boys.” So – she is surrounded by dysfunction.
You’re right, it is a screenplay!
a “mediator” getting paid by one of the parties to the mediation? Sounds like post-Putin Russia! or Huey Long’s Louisiana. What state (geographically speaking) are they in?
They’re in California!
I just can’t wrap my mind around how your nephew can be released back to an environment where he has access to alcohol AND guns. I really hope that the documentations made by the doctor can one day be made advantageous to your sister’s case. I will keep thinking positive thoughts for this child, this 14yo child that needs help in order to live out the rest of his life, and his mother, who must stay strong for her children. Thank you for the update; I find myself thinking about him from time to time. A lot.
I can’t wrap my mind around it either. The dad has gotten rid of the vat of homemade plum wine that was in the back-yard and has been ordered by the courts to stop buying tobacco for his kids, however my sister – who does not give them any money at this point because it would go straight to alcohol/tobacco – says he “pays them to mow the lawn and do chores” – which he must surely know his son uses to buy up. My sister said to me that she thinks this has happened a lot on his watch (her son drinking until passing out, then being found and brought back home by his dad) – my sister said the saddest thing – she said, “He buys him a hamburger, puts him to bed, and calls it a day.” Of course she can’t prove any of this, it’s just what she hears and pieces together. I’ll keep you posted on him – I know a lot of people have him in their thoughts. Thank you Sandra.
Unbelievable. There are just no words.
It’s pretty sad stuff.
GOD. I’m breathless with rage and sadness just reading this, and you and your family are living it. Just when you think that maybe all the claims about the system being broken and fucked-up are exaggerated, you hear something like this. I’m so sorry. Profound best wishes to all of you.
I know – there are so many more levels of dysfunction when you hear all the stories about the family court system and what it has put that family through, I would not have believed it if I hadn’t heard it through my sister – it’s totally broken.
I don’t know if my comments will be helpful or not, but I’ll try. I was an angry kid like your nephew. I was very much like him in certain circumstances but get this…only to the people I felt safe with. I said all the mean things to the people I trusted that I couldn’t say to the people who had messed me up so badly.
So yeah I think your nephew knows his mom loves him. I think he gets his only bit of hope for his future from her. But maybe he feels some self hatred at this point and can’t be in her warmth and light. Poor kid is in a very dark place in his soul and maybe even fears the prospect of having a future. And with him being only fourteen, too…who at that age can articulate their real feelings? He is no fool and he seems to see what’s up with his father and I think THAT is where his anger is really coming from. He’s not really mad at his mom for caring about him. Deep down he knows she is doing the real parenting. He’s mad as hell that he has the kind of father he has. The anger has got to come out somewhere. It’s going to come out to the only person he can safely vent to and vent at, the only person who is offering true unconditional love. But at the same time he is testing that love as hard as he can. To make sure it’s real and is always there. Living with a person that plays the kind of mind games his dad does…that poor kid is going to have problems with trust. Of course I’m no mind reader and just making some conjectures based on my own experiences. But I wanted to put this possiblity out there to consider and give you all some hope that he’s not mad at your sister for doing the right thing. Oh and I’m sorry my posts are always so long. I’ll try and work on my manners. I’m used to forums and still new to blog etiquette.
Thanks for your insight – I think he’s angry at both of his parents, because they have really mismanaged their divorce terribly – for years there has been bitterness, hatred, recriminations, and its spilled over onto their sons. But that said I know a lot of families who have gone through bitter divorces and yet their children don’t necessarily turn to alcohol at such a young age so much of it is genetic, too (not the anger, the alcoholism). I really feel sorry for my nephew but he is strong and I’ve known many people who have gotten through trauma like this to go on to lead wonderful lives – sober – but you never know. He is so young. PS: I don’t mind long comments!
thank you for the update. I have been wondrin’ and prayin’
Thanks, KD. (-;
Oh my gosh how awful, this all must make your sister feel so helpless. Hoping for some resolution to all of this soon.
She just told me he’s been diagnosed with something – I’m finding out the deets. Hopefully this will help her court case even more.
Thanks Jessica.
Like so many of your other posts, all I can do is offer my support and encouragement to keep sharing. You’re making a difference. Thank you, Ado.
Thanks so much, Cat. (-:
xo
I believe he knows, too. That is the most powerful thing. I pray it will be enough to save him. Please give your sister an extra hug from me. I can’t imagine the pain and fury she copes with on a daily basis. God bless her.
Thank you, thank you! (-:
Please keep us posted on this, Ado. I don’t tend to ask just in case you’re having a moment when you are trying to keep this out of your mind awhile. But I do care and await news as you are able to share. I am home now, by the way. We got in on Saturday night and I’ve been struggling ever since to get caught up. Lol I never appreciate myself until I’m gone!
Thanks ChipMom! (-: PS: We go out of town on Friday.
[...] – because she reports that he has clearly and repeatedly minimized the seriousness of her sons’ addiction, repeated suicide attempts while living in his father’s care, and has reported her attempts [...]
[...] continued child support payments. He only made one change – he ordered her ex to take their youngest child (who he is keeping from her to continue to strengthen the PAS) to the psychiatric appointments that [...]