bitch, n.:
1. a female dog.
2. a. a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person, especially a woman.
3. a lewd woman.
4. disparaging and offensive – any woman.
5. a person who performs demeaning tasks for another; a servant.
On Saturday my site stats skyrocketed – from out of nowhere, a stampede of angry moms was reading and commenting on a post I’d written a year ago, Tweens Should Come With Warning Labels. Within the first 45 minutes, 1500 people read it, and that number kept climbing. I was baffled because it was an innocuous post about how my tween had suddenly become aware of my fashion choices, or lack thereof (I’m not a terribly fashion-conscious person, so my self-confidence in this department is tenuous at best). The post was about how my tween was starting to notice my questionable fashion choices, and point them out to me.
In the post I quoted a blog, The Bitches in the Burbs. They had written a post about frumpy moms that made me understand why they call themselves bitches. You can read for yourself their text that I quoted in my post but the gist of it was this: a mom to whom physical appearance is a priority writes that when she sees a frumpy mom at the supermarket in her sad ponytail and rumpled mom-jeans, she gets angry. She wants to throw that mom’s clothes in a fire and burn them.
She is outraged because she thinks frumpy mom is letting herself down with her frumpiness. She wants frumpy mom to take her mojo back.
Fair enough. I’ve watched What Not To Wear. I’m all for moms getting their mojo back. I’ve tried to get mine back on numerous occasions. But when I’m at the supermarket I don’t have the bandwidth to check out what another mom is wearing, because I’m keeping an eye on my children and trying to remember to get milk and toilet paper. If I were to notice a frumpy, rumpled mom with her kids, you know what my first thought would be?
Compassion.
Sisterhood.
I might try to give her kind smile, or say something nice about her kids.
I wouldn’t feel anger toward her because she’s not putting an effort into her appearance. Just – wow.
Motherhood is a hard slog and – at least for me – the transition from unencumbered, self-absorbed career girl to full-time stay-at-home mom was hard-going. Since that enormous transition, I’ve gone through some major frumpy phases – especially after the birth of my second baby. We’d moved from California to the East Coast where I knew no one, it was winter, and I was probably depressed for the first three months of her life. The last fucking thing on my mommy-brain was fashion. I wore granny panties. I had a terrible time letting go of the maternity pants, and after I finally did let go of them – for months I wore a uniform of yoga pants, sweat suits, and a pony tail – to the La Leche League meetings and the supermarket, which were my main outings. All of my energy – all of it – was going into figuring out this mothering thing, dealing with sleep deprivation, and nursing an infant while juggling an older sibling, and devoting my energy to finding my way as a new mom of two. If I could find the time to take a shower, I felt on top of things.
Motherhood overwhelmed me.
I didn’t have time to think of how my ass looked, or to peruse the latest Victoria’s Secret bras at the mall.
As for the blow-dried, fashionable, hot-looking mamas I’d see? I didn’t judge them – I marveled at them. How did they find the time to get their nails done, and blow-dry their hair every day, and put together chic outfits? Did they know something I didn’t? I marveled at and applauded them. But I didn’t judge them.
I don’t feel outrage when I see a frumpy mom in need. I feel outrage when I see moms behaving like high school mean girls.
I did get my mojo back, eventually, although like most moms I go back and forth with finding it and losing it again. Here’s a photo of me three months after giving birth when I had finally gotten around to getting my mojo back, at least for one night.
And here’s a photo of me sans mojo – how I looked most of the time (jeans, dark t-shirt, Ugg boots, wearing one or all of my children. I think I look pretty good in this photo because I’d blow-dried my hair and put on some makeup – a rare thing for me back then – but I was depressed. This was as good as it got. Truth be told, I have no photos of me in true frump-mode, because I didn’t want anyone to take my photo):
The problem I have with the BIBS post is that it’s nasty – not only to frumpy moms but to all moms, everywhere. It doesn’t matter how you look as a mom – what matters is how you parent. You might do fine in high heels and Gucci, or grungy jeans and Birkenstocks. What matter is how you parent.
The BIBs post was just another flavor of bloggers fanning the mommy wars to get more readers – working moms vs. stay-at-home moms, young moms vs. older ones, crunchy vs. mainstream, attachment moms vs. moms with nannies, and now – hot moms vs. frumps. The list of our differences could go on ad infinitum. The BIBS post didn’t help to empower a frumpy, possibly depressed PPD mom trolling the Net to feel better about herself, or more hopeful. It made her feel judged, wary of other moms, and uncomfortable wearing khakis in the produce aisle.
Although I don’t agree with how BIBS comes across – as bitchy, mean girls – I felt cyberbullied that they wrote Yep, I’m a Bitch and sent their followers to diss me with their negative comments. It was kind of a mob mentality up there on Saturday, one that I would not be proud of. Maybe they were stung that I mentioned their nickname for their own daughters – “BITS,” or “Bitches in Training” and how reprehensible I think that is?
Am I dissing them now? Am I getting judgmental? Getting cozy with my inner bitch?
You bet I am.
Bitch is obviously a derogatory term historically and currently used to put women down. It is not, as some of the BIBS followers who dropped by to leave comments on my blog – a word “we are taking back.” It is derogatory. If the BIBS are trying to pass themselves off as feminists who are taking back the B-word by judging other moms – well, read Reclaiming the Word “Bitch” Reinforces Sexism, or read how Oprah banned the use of the word “bitch” by her OWN network. Feminism is about supporting women. It’s not about making them feel insecure about what they wear.
When the provocative comments started up on my blog I felt slimed for the first time in the two years that I’ve been a mommy blogger. I have never experienced anything like it. It was like The Jerry Springer Show up there, and it felt like I was being cyber-bullied by an angry teen who wanted to meet me after school and punch my lights out. My readers are thoughtful, cerebral moms and dads who are interested in raising happy children, in discussing real, imperfect, parenting, and in stopping whatever legacy of dysfunction may be present in their own families. Some of them are fashionable, some aren’t, who cares? None of them has ever left the kind of provocative, nasty comments that were left by the BIBS mob. Many of them expressed shock at the negative comments.
One BIBs follower – Elaine – even tried to pass herself off as a “longtime Momalog reader” who was so put off by my post that she was never going to read my blog again, and was going to go out of her way to let all of her friends know how terrible I am. I had not seen Elaine’s IP address on my blog, nor had she ever commented before – and from her tone it was clear to me this was her first (and last) visit to my blog.
From Darren Rowse of ProBlogger.Com: “Negative comments are a funny thing. I’ve noticed that typically the rude comments come from someone who’s never commented before. This tells you something about them — namely, that they never contribute anything positive & are really only interested in pointing out a flaw or perceived problem.”
I dropped by BIBS Facebook page once – quickly – to see where all of them were coming from. I saw that BIBS had posted an “I’ve been dissed by The Momalog” message on their Facebook page, too, which sent even more of them over in droves. I was surprised to learn that that they have over 17,000 followers on their page. That’s quite an accomplishment. I have something like 500. I am in the Facebook minority, then – and thank goodness for that because if the BIBS mob-mentality is the Facebook majority, thanks but I don’t want any part of it.
Out of curiousity I ran an Alexa ranking of the BIBS vs. The Momalog and got an interesting result. I’m not in the minority when it comes to our blog stats:
Who Are Momalog Readers?
Statistics Summary: Themomalog.com is ranked #854,546 in the world according to the three-month Alexa traffic rankings. The time spent in a typical visit to it is roughly three minutes, with two minutes spent on each pageview. Total website visits per day: 1,271. While we estimate that 41% of this site’s visitors are in the US, where it is ranked #390,487, it is also popular in the UK, where it is ranked #118,837, and in Malaysia, where it is ranked #11,853. It is most popular in Kuala Lumpur, and Houston. Compared with internet averages, Themomalog.com appeals more to women; its visitors also tend to consist of college graduates with advanced degrees between the ages of 35 and 45 who have more children, who view it from home, and have incomes between $60,000 and $100,000.
I tried to pull up a demographic profile of BIBs readers on Alexa, but nothing came up.
One of my readers commented that it was a “win” because my site stats had gone up. I’ve heard that some of the big-name bloggers see their readership skyrocket in direct correlation to the controversies they stir up. Maybe BIBS was looking to stir up some controversy so they could attract more readers – like the rubberneckers who tune into watch The Jerry Springer show? The truth is, though, that if this sort of tiff is what it takes to increase readership – thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want ‘em.
I’m proud of my reader profile – regular readers of The Momalog are thoughtful, cerebral parents who would never call their daughters, or anyone else’s, “bitches.”
I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished here on my blog. I’m also happy with my current Alexa ranking. I don’t write to attract the hoards. I write for me. My tag line is good enough parenting, and this includes frumpy, unfashionable moms who don’t give a flip about fashion.
Am I judgmental? You bet. Did that BIBs attack piss me off? Yes, it did. That’s why I’m writing this. I think the BIBs are the mean girls from high school – the ones I wanted nothing to do with then, and want nothing to do with now.
- Read the blog post the Bitches in the Burbs wrote about me here.
- Watch the video: Oprah Bans the “B” Word.
- Feminists Laud Oprah Winfrey for Banning the Word “Bitch” from the OWN Network
- Reclaiming the Word “Bitch” Reinforces Sexism
- Don’t Feed the Trolls! How To Deal With Negative Comments On Your Blog
- The History of Moms in Yoga Pants, by XLMIC
- Are You Judging Me? A post written in response to this post by Alison of Writing, Wishing
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I remember that post of theirs and commented on it. They were really meangirlish. It (among other things) prompted me to eventually write this post: http://didyougetanyofthat.blogspot.com/2012/02/ill-be-wearing-my-yoga-pants.html . I totally agree with you. Compassion. Sisterhood. Remove judgement. I extend that to include towards the meangirls…though I will keep my safe distance.
Off to read your blog post now. Thanks for commenting.
Read the post – loved it. Inserted a link to it in this post. Hope that’s okay.
Oh, and your ‘sans mojo’ look is actually quite lovely
Heh.
Well of course, I only put the photo up there because I quite like it and have “lost” or destroyed any of the ones of me in true frump mode.
Thanks (-:
You were one of the first mom bloggers I started following, and for good reason. Your blog has substance. Your stories make a difference. You are wonderful. Keep doing what you’re doing. People usually only get that upset when what you’ve said was right. Write on my bloggy pal!
xo (-:
Thanks, Cat.
Amen sister. I cannot judge the mother of the little boy peeing out of the back of the Suburban in the car pick up line. You have no idea what that mom’s day has been like. Is she sitting in the front seat nursing a newborn while on the phone with a parent talking about the other parents chemo treatment that day. Did her husband tell her he wasn’t happy as he left for work that morning? No judgement here unless someone is BEING MEAN. Your more likely to get an offer of help than judgement. Eventually everyone learns this or you are Joan River’s and make a living on judging. I just think those people are so lucky they haven’t had a child with a disability or an ailing loved one or the fog of depression, yet. Good for you for speaking your mind. I am happy to be a follower!
I’m glad to have followers like you Abbie. (-: Thanks
I heart you. Mean people suck..
My comment to them:
“Its great if looking good makes you feel better. Does judging other women like this make people feel better too?
How do we know what is going on in their lives, if they can afford new clothes, if they are depressed, doing it alone.
Are we going to start making the dads out on diaper and milk runs wear a suit and tie? Don’t forget to shave?”
Great point on the judgment front Theresa. Also – re. making dads wear a suit and tie to the store for the milk run – that is a whole blog post in itself! Such a good point.
Wow. Just wow. I had no clue all this drama was happening over here this weekend. I’m not sad I missed it.
The whole “reclaiming the B-word” movement baffles me. I don’t want to reclaim something mean and hateful. I want to banish it from my life. (I also feel this way about women calling their friends “whore,” I don’t understand how that is a friendly thing.)
I enjoy your blog. Exactly the way it is – real and honest. Judgement never helps anyone. I was deep in postpartum depression after my daughter was born, and any time I actually made it out of my house and into a grocery store was a victory…no matter what state of frumpy dress I was sporting.
Apparently there is some country that has a tradition of “comforting” women for the first 3 or 6 months after they give birth – other women come to their home, feed them, help them with the baby, and bring them whatever they need. I will have to look up what country it is and what the tradition is exactly – but can you imagine how nice that would be, and all the companionship a new mom would get from it? But – how awful would it be if the moms who were coming by were judging the new mom because she hadn’t washed her hair in days, or was wearing yesterday’s – or last week’s – yoga pants!
What a beautiful tradition!!
We need more of that loving community in this country.
I am a mom who is new to your site. I find your posts educational, funny and down to earth. I am a mom of 2 who also went through the frumpies after my 2nd son was born and I was trying to figure out how to manage an infant and a 2 year old! Even now, there are days when the frumpies win out. I get dressed to go to work everyday, so if I want to lounge around in my sweats, t-shirt and slippers than so be it. I don’t need to impress anyone, I already “walk on water” in the eyes of the most important people. They are the ones who don’t care if I have on designer clothes or am sporting the hockey jersey, they know that I love them no matter what. Anyone who puts all their stock in how you look is missing the point of being a parent. Our kids aren’t trophies or accessories, they are our children and the future of our world!
Well welcome to my site – and just FYI we don’t usually have this kind of mudslinging going on up here! (-:
I love you, Ado. I’d gladly stand next to you when the mean girls come around.
Well, ditto, Cynthia!
Good on you, Ado. Goodness shall prevail.
Thanks, mama. (-:
I am shocked and a little saddened by this. I just can’t believe how nasty people can be. I read your blog (which I LOVE!) and I read the BIBS blog, which I also enjoy. I’ve always taken their posts as satire; but I don’t read them frequently enough to know if they are truly serious in all the things they say. However, if you were cyber-bullied, which it sounds like you were, satire or not, it is NOT okay. As for all the nasty commenters, I think some people spend their day trolling for blogs on which they can spew their venom. What a sad existence.
You are a beautiful writer and I love your blog.
Thanks. (-: Appreciate it.
I’m not looking to sour their readers off what they write, and if what they write was satire – I don’t think they would take discussion of their content so personally. Satirists in general have a healthy sense of humor.
Anyway thanks for your comment. (-:
That post came up in my reader – I must have subscribed when I was doing Yeah Write too. I was so shocked to see they were writing about you! To be honest, I think she totally overreacted to what you wrote. I don’t think your original post was an attack on her parenting. As for what’s all kicking off now… The problem is that people will call other out for being judgemental, but then say, ‘yeah I am judging you’ because they believe what the other did was judge-worthy. But of course, when you each disagree you will think that the other person deserves judgement, because that’s the nature of the beast. No-one would judge anyone if they didn’t disagree with their point of view to the point of thinking theirs was superior.
That was a very long-winded way of saying, everyone should agree to disagree.
But ganging up on you is unacceptable. Oh, and you are right. Yeah, I can’t take my own advice.
Yeah, words of Rodney King: “Can’t we all just…get along?”
I guess not, in my case. (-:
I think your demographics demonstrate a lot Ado. The people reading your blog regularly aren’t looking for judgement on attire or using terms like “bitch” to describe themselves or their daughters. I judge, I do. And while I would assume prior that BITB’s writing style was satire, I now judge fully that it’s 100% ignorance and frankly, it saddens me to think that in this day and age, this is the road they would travel.
I respect and enjoy reading your honest, heartfelt posts Ado, and thank you for always keeping it real. xoxo
Thanks Jackie. And the truth is we all judge, we are all discerning, and we all judge. At least – I sure do.
This has been bothering me so much I’m considering writing a post about it, if that’s not too meta. I admire how you are ‘judgmental’, in that you’re willing to state your opinions (thoughtful, considered opinions) even if they might be unpopular, as opposed to being ‘judgmental’ in the way they were (ripping off women’s clothes and burning them? Getting spitting mad because someone isn’t dressed to the nines at Wal Mart? Really?). And yes, very true about satirists, they’re not usually so thin-skinned. Also, thanks for clearing up that thing about ‘Elaine’ – it didn’t ring true to me.
Thanks for your comment, Allison. If you do write a post I’d love to read it. (-:
Re. “the fictitious Elaine” – I’m going to coin a new verb, “Elained,” as in: “I’ve been Elained” or visited by a fictitious, non-existent “fan.”
No worries, you are my kind of mom, frumpy or not.
Thank you Beth, and ditto. Although I really am frumpy far more often than I would like to admit. (-:
Incredible! But why did this happen so much later vs when you first posted? Just wondering. This is a great post! They clearly have issues if their MO is to attack like that!
I’m not sure why it took so long for them to see the post. Maybe they just didn’t and then only recently saw the back link in their site stats? Also it was a year and a day after the original post so maybe they thought it was “fresh” off the presses? I’m not really sure.
I won’t comment on the feuding, but just a little on the Alexa: Alexa relies on visitors having their toolbar intalled, which is mostly done by other bloggers. I don’t know what kind of traffic BIB attracts, but if one of you or BIB attracted many more bloggers than the other then the Alexa rankings would be incomparable. I took a look at BIB and I think I like you and your readers better than theirs. WIN! Your “Alex” rank is higher than theirs.
Well then – it looks like my “Alex” ranking over-rules my Alexa ranking so that’s what I’ll refer to for future reference. (-:
Hubby just told me about this post today. He was praising how well written your response was to the whole matter. We got on the subject while talking about language and stereotypes. Which itself was a tangent from a discussion about politics and the upcoming elections.
Wow. Well their response does not shock me. If anyone can get so worked up at seeing another woman guilty of shopping while frumpy, that tells me right there they have messed up priorities and will act accordingly.
The word “bitch”. Let me tell you what I learned about that word. One day when I was sixteen I was having one of my rip roaring fights with my mom. I called her that word. What she said next shocked that word out of my vocabulary…after she calmed down enough to back down from wanting to kill me with her bare hands, that is. She was actually crying which let me know some serious shit was about to hit me since my mom was never one to cry. She told me that word is all she remembers hearing out of the American GI’s who abducted, raped and left her for dead when she herself was a teen. She said she never expected to hear that word out of her own child’s mouth directed toward her.
All the turmoil I had to grow up with centers on that word replaying over and over in my mother’s mind. I don’t want to take that word back. I want to take that word write it on a piece of paper and find the men who attacked my mom
make each of them choke on the piece of paper bearing that word.
To the women who would call themselves bitches or call a sister one, I would like to quote the truly funny character Inego Montoya from Princess Bride: “I do not think that word means what you think it means.”
ChipMom, what a story about your mom! Thank you for sharing it.
And – Inego Montoya, TOUCHE!
Wow. I’m all for branding your blog and I throw fuck {and a host of other choice words} around with the best of them, but I can’t ever in a million years EVER feel like you can justify referring to your daughter as a BIT. If a pair of shoes makes her feel good about herself, so be it, but not everyone works that way. Saying that she wants to rip a woman’s clothes off and burn them feels ridiculous and childish. Why would she care, really?
THere is nothing worse than bashing someone that you do not know and have never met. and Ladies, Keep looking frumpy, and then you all will wonder why your husbands have affairs.
I really shouldn’t reply to you, “Denise” or “Elaine” – whatever your real name is – but I just could not resist. My husband is a feminist who supports women and women’s rights, and who does not have affairs, or use or condone the word “bitch,” as I suspect some other people’s husbands do. PS: This is not about frumpy moms, it’s about bullying.
So do you think that traffic from Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia is from me?
I’m with you on this. I used to read BIBs here and there, and liked their FB page. But after seeing stream after stream of very judgey stuff coming from the blog and the FB page, I just had to stop liking it. I understand the need to ‘take back’ mojo etc, but not at the cost of judging others. It was all very unsavory and not to my tastes at all.
I also re-read your post and the new comments, and gosh, talk about judging! I think you addressed them very well, it was very you.
I also read the BIBS post where they attacked you (and yes, they did), and left my comment. Let’s see if it goes through moderation! (for the record, I stood by you and said so in a very polite manner)
Thank you for going out on a limb for me on their blog, Alison. I haven’t read their latest blog post or returned to their FB page, nor will I (who needs it?). I’m making my way through the comments here on this post now and just saw one that said, “Get over yourself” – so I’m kind of dreading it but most so far are positive. That’s the underbelly of being a blogger isn’t it – dealing with and processing negative comments from strangers (who never seem to leave their URL, ever – do they? It’s always anonymous.)
And re. the KL thing – *ever* time I see that Momalog “is popular in Kuala Lumpur” your face pops into my mind and I think of you. Of course you are the reason I’m “big” in KL. Very proud of that, too! Must go visit! xo
get over yourself.
pssst….Elaine is the “bitch”. Blew her cover for a second on fb, and I figured it out before she deleted her post. FYI, of the three/four pictures I was able to see on her fb, she was only in one of them. She looks like a “DM”, as she lovingly refers to them. Purple crewneck t-shirt with KHAKI shorts. Ironic, no?
Oh my goodness! Thanks for the belly laugh! I am – beyond tears, laughing so hard.
Of course. Of course – typical, isn’t it?
God, I’m dying here. That was just so funny. Priceless.
Fantastically well written post. Thank you, and I hope they go away and continue judging each other into teeny tiny little pieces if that’s truly what makes them happy.
Thanks, Sara. I hope they shoo soon, too!
Defensive much?? If you’re so proud of yourself, why not drop it? Why write a WHOLE other blog about it??
Perhaps YOU liked the traffic to your blog?? Hmmm ….
I always say that he who yells the loudest is the one who is wrong— you, my dear, are screaming
Very well written blog and I must say if your husband has an affair because you dress frumpy, you certainly didn’t have good judgement when choosing your husband.
To whom it may concern: I didn’t say I am frumpy, I said I go through frumpy stages. (-: Also, although it is not really your business, I have a loving relationship with my feminist husband who holds women in high regard, and who does not feel the need to “have affairs.” These comments are so…tabloid, so high school.
Glad you’re proud of your husband. BUT … ANY man is capable of having an affair. Mine did. Never would think it looking at him … or looking at me or our 20-year marriage (affair in years 18).
Well, any woman is capable of having an affair as well. I thank you for your advice and I’m well aware that any man can have an affair. I’m not quite sure how we got from fashion to the topic of the possibility of husbands having affairs. I may be naive but I like to think that my husband and I are evolved enough to “get” each other – I think if it were to ever come to that, on either of our parts, we’d be grown up enough to just leave each other and not sneak around. PS: It sure seems like a whole lot of the BIBS readers are worried about their husbands having affairs!
This is the first blog of yours I’ve actually read – and I’m about to hop on the laptop and read some more! I follow BiBs on Facebook, and while I enjoy some of their posts, I have found some of them quite disturbing. But like I thought to myself – possibly the writer had had a shit week or a shit day, I know I’ve had plenty of those myself. No need to get catty and call out other blogs over the Internet – when they haven’t exactly done something awful. So you don’t like what they’re all about – that’s your choice, must have been pretty upset that you don’t think the sun shines outta their arse to have two catty blogs about you. Take it in your stride doll, not even worth the energy to type the frustrations out. Big breaths, and leave them in your dust.
Thanks so much, Christie. I must say it *is* kind of nice that some BIBS followers are stopping by with support. (-:
I think you might have missed the point. Everyone has an opinion, we are all entitled to them and we are even entitled to share them to those that want to listen. I don’t label myself frumpy, I do not consider myself a sexy mom either. I consider myself a mom, a woman and a human being. How I choose to raise my kids is no one’s business but mine. Most people might not agree with my methods, or my truck driver mouth but I don’t really care. My kids are awesome, smart and well adjusted. I do call myself a bitch and my daughter is a bitch in training and she knows it. I don’t consider that a bad thing. It means we know how to take care of ourselves and don’t take shit from anyone. It doesn’t mean we are not compassionate or loving or thoughtful or mean girls. Being a bitch is just one facet of all the beautiful elements that make us women. The good and the bad. You can choose to be positive or negative and I choose positive. Aren’t you being judgemental by calling them “mean girls”? I am sorry that people are ignorant to leave mean messages to you but you are putting your self out there just like they do. Just let it go.
Thanks for your comment, Monica but I don’t think I’ve missed the point, and yes, I acknowledge that I’m being judgmental in calling them mean girls. Absolutely.
Well written BIBs did bring me here. You have a strong head on your shoulders. Keep it up. It’s the downside of social media. Emotions and sarcasm don’t come across well. You have to read the whole story before you can judge.
gee , um who made you freaking god, and the style police.
Hope you are Happy you just ruined a woman’s freedom of speech and expression. It (BITCHES IN THE BURBS) is a Woman Blog, NOT a MOMMY Blog.
Written with humor and grace and Fracking four letter words.
unlike your own, with which I can see is very dry and pedantic, lacking real artistic expression relying on statistics rather than reader comments and friendship.
I was extremely pissed when I read your post above, all I can think of is sour grapes in a strange stepford wife way.
So go celebrate with a wine spritzer and Plot on in your small minded rut.
Um – thank you? Wow.
You just made a WHOLE post on a foundation of someone else’s blog and ideas, that’s lame. Just like this weak page. BIBS is cool because it Says the things the ‘mean’ voice inside you Thinks, and I bet if people like the BIBS girls had accepted you in high school, you wouldn’t be so quick so point fingers. You’d be part of it. That page is based on truth, not pretending to be too nice to see the stupid things people do.
There’s a different between mean girl behaviour and standing up for yourself. As for the idea that Ado would be acting like a Bitch if the mean girls had accepted her in high school – well, thanks for the laugh.
Ado, read this in the paper this morning and it made me think of this. I especially like the last bit. http://www.theglobeandmail.com//life/fashion-and-beauty/beauty/do-we-really-need-to-be-waxed-coiffed-polished-and-buffed-247/article4601613/?cmpid=rss1
I don’t know how to say this but I was actually quite popular in high school. (-: I sure didn’t like mean girls then, though. Thanks for your comments Allison off to read your link.
Good enough parenting – love it. The whole thing stinks, but at least it pissed one of my friends off enough to make a comment on Facebook, which led me to your blog. So some good came of all of this nastiness.
Thanks, Helen.
BIBS would say this 47 year-old mom of two 4th graders is a frump. Frump or not, I read BIBS for their humor … that’s the spot I’m at in my parenting journey. Necessary to get through the day. You clearly felt attacked and don’t like ‘em. That’s fine. Just accept that we women are ALL judgmental. It would be nice if we weren’t, and you can have lofty aspirations to change that with your blog … of which the post above is just as judgmental as any on BIBs. For me, I’m off to put on my big-girl panties, start a load of laundry, run some errands, go to a marriage counseling session and then attend my kid’s annual IEP meeting. Like I said, I need some humor in my frumpy life.
Well – thanks for your comment Melanie (and good luck with your IEP). I am a big fan of humor especially in the face of hard situations. You’re right, it is a great antidote.
I categorically avoid anyone who glorifies the use of the word “bitch” when used to reference a human being. It is a slur just like all the others, and I have no use for those who try to give it a deeper meaning.
As for the mean girls, I’ve known them my whole life. They don’t change. I’m sticking to my decades-old strategy of disregarding them.
Great advice, Lisha. I do know that I brought this on myself by writing this post (maybe I should not have, but that just wouldn’t be me). Next time a mean-girls issue pops up I will remember your advice and just try and disregard it. (-:
Good response, Ado. Glad I caught this.
Thanks, Sperk. (-:
I’m curious why you included her in your post? Surely you had to know there would be some backlash. With the back and forth between you two I kind of think you are both indulging in a little mean girl behavior. As mothers, we are all prone to judge because we are so hoping we are doing our best and when we see someone else with another approach it’s only natural to wonder if there is something we could or should be doing differently. This job of motherhood is hard, I think we can all agree on that. I hope you can agree to disagree and take each others “advice” on parenting with a grain of salt like we have all learned to do with unwanted advice on our parenting journey.
Caryn, last week, I sent this tweet to Ado:
” @AdoTheMomalog Ur comment showed up on my blog today & led me to ur post. I’m over it. We have different views. We’re adults. Let’s move on.”
Clearly she has chosen not to do so. No skin off my back. I know who I am, I know whoy kids are, and I’m proud of both. While I may be superficial and judgmental about fashion, I’m truly not a mean person. Go figure. I dont classify my blog as a mommy blog. It’s a humorous, sarcastic, bitchy, and includes our opinions. It’s not for everyone!
I choose to parent the way I see fit, share my experiences, but never, ever tell people they’re doing it wrong or dole out advice, unless it’s asked for…which,ironically, it is quite often.
I’m really over this. I am feel that this whole thing has gotten way out of control. I’ve got a real life, full of ups and downs, to live each day.
Hi Caryn, You’re right – we are both indulging in mean-girl behavior. I included her in my post because I thought her post was tangentially relevant to the topic of how mercilessly unfashionable moms are judged – I had seen it that day because we were both in the Yeah Write linkup. And certainly I did foresee some backlash – but not this much. And as for me, yes I am certainly being judgmental when I say that I am not about to take any of the BIBS advice on “parenting” – and frankly, I’m shocked any mom would go out of her way to defend a mom blogger who calls her own daughter a “bitch in training.” Yeah, I’m judgmental.
You know when I see a frumpy mom in the grocery store, I feel compassion also. You don’t know what the financial situation of that mom is nor what her homelife is like. She may have a husband making her feel bad about herself or she’s taking on the mom role alone. And yeah, I agree with you on the “mean girl” thing. Vanity can be a real ugly BITCHY place to be. The whole “hot mom” thing is ridiculous and rather embarrassing as the kids get older. I guess we know what seperates the women from the girls huh?? Thank you for posting this.
Really, when I think of hot moms I think of Lyndsay Lohan’s mother and her quest to remain a teen, and moms of the Jersey Housewives. But really, I know a lot of moms who are chic, look great, but don’t go around reminding everyone how great they look, or looking down their nose at not-so-hot moms. When I think of real beauty I picture Audrey Hepburn who always maintained that beauty comes from the inside. Anyway – thanks for commenting.
Well, I supported you on your other post and I wanted to support you here as well. I can’t help but notice, the BIBS are nameless, cartoon silhouettes. I guess “brave” is not one of the “B” words in their repertoire.
Ellen
Thank you very much Ellen! I’d go over to read it for myself but I’m not going over there. Appreciate the thought though, and your comment. xo
I’ll have to read that post.of theirs but really, how can you be proud of a blog called bitches in the burbs. It makes me shudder. I honestly don’t like that word not even in regards to my female dog. What kind of example is that to our girls? It’s so sad that people have to stoop to thatlevwl. Keep up your writing about what are important issues!
I don’t like using the B-word to describe a dog, either. It’s an insult to the dog. (-:
I’ll have to read that post of theirs but really, how can you be proud of a blog called bitches in the burbs. It makes me shudder. I honestly don’t like that word not even in regards to my female dog. What kind of example is that to our girls? It’s so sad that people have to stoop to thatlevel. Keep up your writing about what are important issues!
Thanks for commenting Susi. (-: And thanks for being so supportive. I don’t know where they got the name Bitches in the Burbs – if their blog was funny or satirical, maybe – but it’s not a word I subscribe to. I think this little blog spat has put me off that word for good. It says a lot about people who use it, too. Anyway thanks for commenting.
Wow, I’m sorry this happened to you! I think that’s just awful and I don’t understand the attack. Because that’s what it was. They don’t know you and to be directed to your site to hurt you is terrible. Anyway, I’m all worked up over here. You’re right – there should be more acceptance and less judgment from us ladies. I don’t get the whole ‘women as bitches’ thing. At all.
By the way, I love your posts. They’re funny, smart, and insightful. I hope you have a great week.
Heidi, thank you so very much for your comment and for taking the time to read my blog. A lot of cruddiness has come out of this whole thing in the comments but – far more importantly – so many of my readers and people who know what I’m about have come out to show their supportiveness, and it’s been so moving for me. So … thank you. xo
[...] This post is inspired by The Momalog – read her post here about bitchy mommy bloggers. [...]
Wow, I kind of thought my comment was a neutral live and let live, we are all trying to do our best on this motherhood adventure but apparantly that is not how it was taken. If you want to go to the la leche league and wear whatever you want, so be it. If BIBS wants to call her kids BITS and wear stilletos to the mall, good for her. I certainly don’t agree with everything I read but it doesn’t stop me from reading…that would just suck all the joy out of life. Oprah once told me to stop wearing Mom jeans and gym shoes because they make me look like a schlumpadink. It didn’t piss me off or make me feel judged, but I do have a fantastic collection of flats that I wear with my non-Mom jeans as a result. I also have a large collection of yoga pants that rarely make it to yoga (ok never) and they make it into the rotation of daily wear too. I appreciate that you both took the time to respond to my comment.
Caryn,
I love the word “shlumpadink.” (-:
Thanks for coming by and chiming in here again. I’m going to go and figure out a way to incorporate my new word into a conversation today…(-:
A fantastic post. You are one of my faves and have been since I discovered you on Yeah Write. I hate that an innocent post has stirred up this kind of controversy for you, especially because you truly do not deserve it.
I have a post tomorrow coming out about how hard this motherhood gig really is…and I wish we all just supported each other. It takes a village, and I for one like my village to contain friends, not mean girls.
Thanks for your kind words. (-: And you’re so right, it takes a whole flipping village, but not a village full of mean girls. A village full of supportive people. Off to read your post now…
I can’t follow all this cattiness. But one thing I can say is that I know you and have for years starting HS freshman year. We reconnected 20 yrs ago and now enjoy sharing pics and stories of our families and lives.
Based on all of that, no matter what you choose to wear – flats, safari shirt, sweats or high-heels (yes thank you), you are and remain smokin’ hot, inside and out. Dressing up a bit just emphasises it more and is easy on the eyes to boot.
The BIBs should get back to the burbs and chill. The Momas should get back to doing the best they can because its clearly good enough!
Thx for the interesting sojourn…I’m going to focus back on being a better dad and husband thx.
:^)
I live in Canada. The news here is all about a girl in BC who committed suicide because she was bullied. Online. In person. And so now, everyone is talking about bullying. When reading this post, that is all I could think about.
I think that is really the point of your post. We’re bloggers. We read something or think about something and we write about it. We comment on it. But to send people to your blog to attack you is straight up bullying. And that should not be ok.
I’m sticking with compassion and sisterhood.
Thanks for commenting Laura – I hadn’t heard of that case in Canada. That is so sad, and should be a lesson to us all. You know – my husband sat me down this morning to say I shouldn’t let the mean girls of cyberspace get me down. And I haven’t. There are so many more positive things coming out of this, and I never really knew the strength and support of my readership as I do now.
I do feel sad that so many moms who haven’t ever read my blog are on the attack here, it’s a mob mentality and it is worrisome because there are so many other things to feel passionate about, than attacking a mommy blogger who disagrees with the use of the nickname Bitches in Training for daughters. I mean…really?
Anyway thanks for commenting here in the fray, Laura. (-:
Holy cow.
What a day to pop over and say hi.
Yeah, a blog with the word bitch in the title?
Not for me.
I don’t like the word, and don’t think I’d ever enjoy reading the writing on such a blog.
So sorry about the shitstorm they sent your way. I’d never call in the troops to do dirty work for me.
But then, I’m not a bitch in the burbs.
Ha! Well-said Alexandra. Sorry you had to drop into the shit-storm on my Jerry Springer blog. I’m sure that it will all die down as soon as they find another mom to cyber bully, and I can return to being a pedantic and boring mommy blogger. (-:
You just turned a negative into a positive. You must be pretty proud of all you have accomplished. Your blog is awesome. You are awesome.
I’m overwhelmed with motherhood too. I could really relate to what you said in the beginning of your post. Keep doing what you are doing.
Thank you, Lily, and thank you for the RT too. (-:
I really appreciate it.
When Mommy Bloggers Get Bitchy http://t.co/ELRlfDEH via @sharethis
Wow this is still going on? Come on people there was a little girl abducted and found in pieces in Colorado last week. More than ever our children are not safe going about the business of being children. They are being preyed on like baby deer by wolves. We women need to unite and take back our world from the monsters out there. We need to figure out how society got to the point a child can’t walk just two measly blocks by herself safely to her bus stop. Not worry about each others damn clothes or minor critiques of each others blogs. If all this energy were spent appealing to our lawmakers for some solution to getting and keeping maniacs off the street as well as fighting the sexualization of our children in the media maybe there would be fewer of these horror stories.
I still can’t believe there are people out there who want to apply a perjorative to themselves or their daughters. Just go ahead and give an easy label for the monsters out there who want to dehumanized females. Have any of you ever heard a mysogynist say in reference to something violent happening to a woman or wishing violence on her in news forums “the bitch had/has it coming!”? I have.
That word needs to be buried along with the “n” word and the weak excuses to “own” both.
Yup, it’s still going – like the Ever Ready battery operated bunny.
Great comment though, ChipMom. Thanks
I sincerely hope it’s not still going, because I’m truly done. This morning, Alison and I had, what I perceive to be an open and sincere conversation, in which I asked her to extend the olive branch from me to you again. It’s not because I need a middle man, I, like you, really didn’t feel like coming back here to be bashed. Well, here I am, extending it myself. I’d welcome the opportunity to communicate with you…woman to woman, adult to adult, mom to mom…not to pass judgment or ridicule, but maybe to actually get to know who the other person really is. Just because our views differ on some things, doesn’t mean they differ on everything. I apologize for the attack on your character. Doesn’t matter what you wear or the language that you chose, name calling sucks. Everyone has a story. Everyone.
It’s up to you, obviously, as to what you want to do from here. I gave moved on, will ask my followers to do the same.
Peace.
Wow…just wow. I have been through too much in my life to judge anyone else. I wonder if the tables were turned on the “mean girls”, and they went through something devastating and horrible in their own lives, if they would still judge.
You’re doing good, mama…keep it up
xo
Jen, thank you. I should take up running. Today. (-:
wow….so this got pretty crazy, huh? I read Alison’s post in response to all this and had to come over and check out the drama…and I have to say I agree with you…mean girls suck and judging a mom for hanging out in yoga pants and no makeup is uncalled for…why on earth would I get dolled up top grocery shop and do laundry? Being a foul mouthed blogger myself, I first started reading BIB’s when they came out, but I stopped because the posts became mean and not like mean in a humorous way, but just mean….and that’s coming from a very crass, sarcastic person here….my blog is humorous and I have a potty mouth, but I would never try to hurt anyone or call out a group of moms like that….not cool
I liked BIBS a while ago on FB because she made me laugh on days when no one or nothing else could. Is she a mean girl? Perhaps by some definitions. What I do know is that she is a woman to deals with her life in her way as you deal with your life the way you see fit. Are the same? Obviously not. I stared reading your blog because of this tiff and I really enjoy it. However, I have to say that both sides of this “issue” (whatever it may be) are acting like children. You are both grown women. You both have said things that are “mean”(cue eye roll) and I think you should both own them. Surely, you must see how the comments you have made in your posts could have caused BIBS offense as some comments she made did to you? You can’t post about how offensive you find BIBS’ judgements and what a “mean girl” she is and then throw out a few hurtful ones of your own. There is a difference between being frustrated with the way moms choose to take care of themselves and outright calling someone you do not know a shitty parent for the attitude they choose to take in raising THEIR children. If that was not your goal I apologize, but that is certainly the impression I got. If you can tell me you have never judged a mother for her behavior or dress or that of her children than fine you can say anything you want. I doubt that every time you go out and some mother’s children are acting like animals in a store you have nothing but thoughts of sisterhood and compassion. Those thoughts and feelings are completely natural. The thing is that most people don’t talk about it. BIBS does and that is why people enjoy her blog. Do I always agree with everything that she says? No. Do I freak out if she is typing about someone at Target who dresses very similarly to me. Hell no. I know that sometimes I’m a DM. I work, go to school full time and have a two year old. Sometimes the outside world should be thankful that I had enough energy to be a DM. I guess the point I’m trying to make with my ridiculously long comment is that if BIBS behavior is perceived by you to be offensive I really don’t see how your behavior is any better. Neither of you have taken the high road on this one. It is all very middle school and your holier than thou attitude is baseless.
I am with you on this! Where’s the support?! Why do we all critique other moms all the time? I did it when my babies were little. My oldest is 11 now and it’s opened my mind & heart up to so much sympathy. You just never know what all is going on in someone else’s life at that moment of the day when you’re judging them over some very superficial and minor stuff!!
Thanks for chiming in here but I guess you missed the part where we have both apologized to each other and are done with this juvenile spat now. Thanks for taking the time to comment and you have some very valid points. Moving on now!
Word!
When I see a mother at Target or at the store who looks like she wants to have a Calgon moment, I want to give her a hug, which I guess would be weird. But I want to say – I’ve been there, I get it. You will get through this, sister.
I used to be such a perfectly coiffed person – from my nails, to my blown out hair, to the outfits that were the perfect blend of trandy while “not trying too hard.”
Now? Well I am not. But I think my kids look at me and see my beauty in a different way. I value my mind. I value my heart. I value their love.
I don’t know the BIBs site, and I am not really sure I get it, but their is judgement wherever you go. The high school mean girls haven’t all grown out of it just quite yet. Some never will.
Kiran
[...] grounds for arguing? Fighting is everywhere. Bloggers are arguing. This blogger is arguing with that blogger. Why? We’re all moms just trying to get by. Shouldn’t we be supporting each other [...]
Oh my goodness! I had no idea this sort of thing happened. So far I have found the blogging community to be a safe and comforting one, but it is because I have been lucky enough to connect with thoughtful and nurturing blogs like this one. I’m so sorry you had to deal with this.
Thanks Julia. (-: You learn as you go, I guess – and boy did I learn a lot from all of it.
I <3 you
(-:
[...] « Previous Post [...]
I’m finally getting around to reading this and ohmygosh that’s all kind of craziness!! I really don’t get it – people who are so negative and so focused on tearing other people down. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. You are absolutely right – what matters is how you parent. I would add that what matters is what you say and how you act in real life vs. as a troll leaving a comment on a blog.
Thanks Christine.
[...] in your comments, and send you accusatory emails and tweets. If you’re lucky, they organize a cyber-gang against you, too. “They hate ya, cuz they ain’t ya.” Either that or they are [...]