I Will Not
- Shout.
- Yell.
- Lose temper.
- Chop husband’s food into bite-sized pieces.
- Do things for my children that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves, such as putting the toothpaste on my eight-year-old’s toothbrush (which psychologically stems from my need to be needed and/or indispensable, coupled with the fact that I’m usually in a hurry and mostly, it’s faster if I do it.)
- Blast The Who in minivan as “solution” to kids’ endless sibling bickering and/or to scare them.
- Scrounge the Internet for scary Nancy Grace episodes and/or watch hard-core crime mysteries late at night on Netflix after family asleep “to relax.” (Not only does this completely undermine the fact that I made the whole family give up TV, it makes me paranoid.)
- Continue to try and blame my crabby personality on PMS, an excuse that people only buy for about one week/month anyway, as opposed to entire month.
- Eat entire bags of things all by myself, unless they contain fiber.
- Eat Chedder N’ Jack Cheezits in the bed late at night while secretly watching the scary Nancy episodes on Netflix.
- Eat the leftovers from my childrens’ plates.
- Judge others.
- Gossip.
- Meddle.
- Laze about.
- Tailgate people when jacked up on coffee and late for school drop-off. (But if I give up coffee, I may tailgate if in withdrawals from caffeine, which IMHO is perfectly understandable.)
- Let Ella bully me or make me jump through Mommy-hoops with her cleverness and/or her verbal high-jinks.
- Fall prey to Fiona’s sad/lost face.
- Intentionally pick Facebook fights in a passive-aggressive manner with the Born-Again, gun-loving, right-wing hunter guy I went to high school with and who is an as*****.
- Write crappy things about people from high school behind their back just because I DON’T AGREE WITH THEIR POLITICS, THEIR ASININE END-OF-DAYS/YOU-WILL-BURN-IN-HELL BELIEFS, OR THEIR CHOICE IN CAMOUFLAGE.
- Spend all free-time when kids are at school lolling about and blogging but telling people I’m writing literary novel about Facebook.
I Will
- Write literary novel about Facebook despite the fact that this sounds really stupid.
- Cook fantastic, healthy, sexy home-cooked meals every single day, a la Nigella Lawson.
- On second thought: never mind that one.
- Try hard to be more like Gandhi around the house, less “Sarge-like.”
- Think about spinning own cotton – if Gandhi did it, shouldn’t I at least try?
- Give up coffee. Oh my God OMG OMFGOMFG! Again?
- Make my bed. (Otherwise how can I expect my children to make theirs when I don’t?)
- Start 2013 off with the vegan 21-day Kickstart program (because my Dublin-born-husband-who-is-a-carnivore-and-has-totally-lost-his-mind is pressuring me into it).
- Just Say No at the toy store. Unapologetically, and with confidence and bravado.
- Purge home of all junk. I will become the anti-hoarder. I will be able to find things.
- Teach my children how to let go of some of their stuffed toys in a kind, and wise way (not secretly abscond with one or two stuffies and hide/camouflage them in charity pick-up bags).
- Eat more vegetables.(Well, I guess I have no choice if I’m forced to GO VEGAN, for crap’s sake!!!)
- Finally actually print some of the 30,000+ photos I’ve taken of the children. For real. No, really. I mean it.
- Finish making Ella’s baby video that I’ve been “working on for 5 years” this year and/or before she goes to college.
Me and Ella. It’s scary how alike we are.
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Mommy’s Inane New Year’s Resolutions http://t.co/q0m9Cxrg via @sharethis
Don’t give up coffee. It’s not bad for you unless you drink like, 10. Cut down, but for your sanity (and road users’ safety), don’t give it up.
Good luck with the vegan thing. You’ll be hungry and dreaming of burgers for the first few days, but you’ll get used to it
Happy New Year!
I completely relate to the toothpaste. It is faster (not to mention less messy) when I do it for them but I force myself to let them do it on their own.
I take my hat off to you on the coffee one; I don’t think I could let that one go.
I would LOVE to read your Facebook novel!!!
Well – YAY! Tally-ho, then, on the novel! (-:
Will keep my fingers crossed for you, Ado! Especially the one with being a Nigella in the kitchen – is on my list of changes, too!
Thanks Nigella – I mean Alexandra. (-: Keep me posted.
I am not a big fan of grand resolutions for the new year, because I always feel disappoonted when I can’t realize them as I pictured myself… That’s why I prefer small baby steps instead of huge goals..
Love this. I relate to pretty much all of it – the procrastination, need for fiber and to stand strong in the face of a toy store melt down. You’ve captured it all!!! And for the record I would TOTALLY read a novel about facebook – especially by you.
BTW – I just mentioned you in my latest blog post. I stole your time capsule/wish box tradition for NYE and wrote about it. Thanks for the idea!! http://www.mamamzungu.com/2013/01/nye-time-capsule-could-be-best-thing.html
I laughed out loud when I read you are going to spin cotton. Happy New Year! Ellen
Best resolutions I’ve read yet. Spoiler: Plans to spin cotton RT @AdoTheMomalog Mommy’s Inane New Year’s Resolutions http://t.co/2FlogwxN
Boy are you ambitious! Love it
I thought you wrote that you were going on a 21 day vagina kick-start program. I guess I still have one of your previous posts rattling around in my head. And neither of my new pairs of glasses I got last summer is worth a crap.
I think I’d have better luck on the vagina kick start program than a vegan one, but that’s just me. At my age neither one is frankly all that appealing. I want to be left alone to eat a prime rib in peace.
Ha ha! Yes I am going on a vegan kickstart program. I’m on day 5. I’m writing a Bridget-Jones Style diary of it to bore you all with but so far at least the caffeine headache is gone! PS: You are so funny.