I’m past the breastfeeding stage in my parenting, but this comic that I saw on The Full Time Everything Mommy’s fanpage is such a true depiction of what breastfeeding was like for me on the East Coast that I had to share it:
I had my first baby 11 years ago in my hometown in Marin County, California, and my second baby in Washington, D.C. My experiences of breastfeeding on these two coasts were so different that it’s shocking. In California, breastfeeding was a total non-issue. I was so supported by the culture that it didn’t even occur to me that nursing a baby in public could even present an issue anywhere else. I never felt self-conscious about it. Not once did I feel or see a single raised eyebrow when I nursed in public. It was a wonderful, supportive culture in which to nurse a baby. At restaurants, I often felt waiters and waitresses were extra nice to me because I was a nursing mother. Every mom I knew breast-fed, and like I said – at restaurants, parks, malls, libraries, public areas – it was a non-issue.
Then when I was eight months pregnant with #2, we moved to the East Coast. I had heard rumors about East Coast parenting that scared me (like that they have feeder schools for Harvard…in preschool!, and that new moms in Bethesda, Maryland commonly hired “night nurses” to care for their newborns in the middle of the night so they wouldn’t have to wake up – an idea that was anathema to me). I had an inane and yes, stereotypical idea, that East Coasters eat us marshmallowey, naval-gazing Californians for breakfast, followed by the New York Times and their triple-espressos – which of course, was an exaggeration. But when it came to breastfeeding in public – turns out, I was right. The culture did chew me up and spit me out, metaphorically speaking.
When Ella was a few days old my husband and I took her to P.F. Chang’s restaurant in Rockville for a quiet lunch. We sat in a darkened booth and when she got hungry, I began to nurse her at the table. Keep in mind that I am a rather Puritanical mom who tends to cover-up (not that this should matter one bit). It was winter and I was dressed “appropriately” in a big turtle neck and maternity jeans. So she was underneath my big turtle neck, and I also had her blanket which I draped discreetly over us, since I was new on the East Coast and didn’t know what the breast-feeding culture was (yet).
The minute she latched on, the manager came rushing over to me and quietly said: “As the manager here at PF Chang’s I would like to thank you in advance for being discreet, and to let you know that if you would like some privacy the women’s restroom is right over there.”
Huh?
I was shocked. So was my husband. Had we just been told to go hide in the germ-filled bathroom at P.F. Chang’s because my Puritanically covered-up nursing boob risked offending other patrons? I saw a woman at a nearby table who was dressed in a revealing way that showed a lot of skin and well, boobs and cleavage and everything. Why didn’t he ask her if she wanted to go hide her boobs in the bathroom? Now, although I’m a little more conservative in how I dress than she was, I don’t really give two figs about how other women choose to dress, and I would not have noticed or minded that this woman beside us was choosing to show a lot of cleavage in her spaghetti-strap get-up even though it was winter. She had no bra and her nipples showed, okay? I’m just trying to make a point here: why is everybody so very afraid of nursing mothers, so obsessed with “covering them up” while at the same time, in the same room, other women are overtly displaying their breasts? So usually I would never notice how that woman was dressed. But that day I did notice it. Here I was, a vulnerable new mom in unsexy maternity-wear with a newborn, in a sweltering turtleneck, in a darkened booth, under a frigging tarp (okay, a blanket), not showing anyone anything, being discreet to the brink of paranoia - and I was pressured into hiding my mom-self in the flipping bathroom. Just – wow.
I hate this kind of stuff. It’s oppression. Fear of the nursing mother = fear of women, of their powerfulness. As long as this stuff exists, women in our society are not as liberated, free, and democratic as we’d like to imagine they are.
This wasn’t the only time this happened on the East Coast. Later that week, in a sweet attempt to cheer me up, my husband brought me to another restaurant (I forget which one, probably because I was suffering from PPD at the time). At this restaurant, the waiter once again came rushing over and – a woman, this time, which I found unbelievable – and gave me the same spiel about moving it into the restroom. I may not remember the name of the restaurant, but I remember the hot flash of shame I felt.
Another more insidious expression of this same kind of oppression occurred in what I saw the other moms around me doing – buying and using Hooter Hiders, for example – something I never even knew existed back in Marin:
This same woman probably sees the burqua as oppressive & feels sorry for women who have to wear them. I wonder what the women under the burqua think of her?
The fact that the other moms around me were participating in this culture of shame by purchasing and using Hooter Hiders, or by not breastfeeding in public (I rarely, if ever, see any mom breastfeeding anywhere around here when I go out), or by “hiding” in the Nordstrom’s nursing lounge at the mall, or giving up and choosing to bottle feed while out in public…these things drove me underground even more than the manager at P.F. Chang’s did. If I saw all kinds of nursing moms out and about all around me, I wouldn’t have gone and hidden. But I didn’t see them, so I hid.
The liberating “My Brest Friend.” The only thing it’s missing is a scarlet letter S (or “B” for “Boob”!).
After that I didn’t have the strength to go out and protest or make a statement or organize an Occupy PF Chang’s Breast-feeding Sit In or anything like braver moms like Jessica at The Leaky B@@b might do (she was told to cover up while nursing…in Vegas!) because I was a tired new mom with PPD. So I went underground: I nursed in the minivan, before or after I had to go out in public, or I just stayed home and nursed. And it was very lonely, and I missed California, my haven of support, all the friends I had there. The only place I felt safe nursing on the East Coast was at my weekly La Leche League meetings, in my minivan, or alone at home – and that was it. It takes a village to raise a child but if that village is allowing nursing mothers to be driven underground and shamed – well, what is up with the village? The East Coast might be ahead of California in time zones and Harvard feeder preschools but in my experience, it is laughably behind in its discriminatory cultural attitude towards nursing mothers.
So I sat in my house and nursed and as I did, I pined for my halcyon days back in my progressive and supportive hometown in California, when I didn’t even know there were people in the world who feel they need to be shielded from nursing mothers, but who think nothing of eating at Hooters, vacationing in Las Vegas, or shopping for undies at Victoria’s Secret. Unbelievable.
Call me crazy but I don’t see that much difference between the mom under the Hooter Hiders and the one under the burqua. Both convey the same message and keep women oppressed.
Fear and Breastfeeding in Las Vegas by The Leaky B@@b
Mother Asked to Cover Up While Breastfeeding in the Most Unbelievable Location
10 (Mildly Shallow) Reasons to Breastfeed by Scary Mommy
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This makes for a very interesting conversation. I too would hide out in disgusting restrooms or in my car to breast feed my sons if I was out in public. I always thought it was me that was too self-conscious or modest to feel comfortable enough to nurse in public. Even with a cover up I felt like all eyes were on me – when all I was doing was simply nourishing my child. I absolutely believe that if I saw more Mother’s openly breastfeeding their babies than I wouldn’t have felt uncomfortable in the least.
Is it pretty conservative in Canada January?
I would say most definitely it is Ado. RARELY do you see any mothers breastfeeding their babies in public…and the ones you do are so covered up you wouldn’t have a clue that a poor baby’s underneath practically suffocating. At least that’s my experience in Ontario which is probably the most conservative province in Canada.
I absolutely agree with you. I feel nothing but contempt for people who feel justified in asking or demanding that mothers not nurse in public. I live in Ottawa in Canada and on the whole I never felt pressured to cover up, but just my reading – blogs, news articles etc. – reveals that this type of judgmental, puritanical, hypocritical jackass exists everywhere. People saying ‘must she breastfeed when I’m trying to have a quiet meal at the next table?’ – uh, was she breastfeeding loudly? People saying ‘no one wants to see your boob’ – uh, once the baby’s on it there’s nothing to see, plus, how hard is it to simply AVERT YOUR GAZE, DOUCHEBAG? People saying nursing mothers care more about their rights than the discomfort of others – uh, yeah, because guess what, if you can’t nurse in public, you’re sequestered at home, and being a mother becomes an isolating, depression-inducing enterprise and by the way, it’s idiotic to be discomfited by a nursing mother. *Deep breath*
Allison, let’s make and sell t-shirts for nursing moms that say: AVERT YOUR GAZE, DOUCHEBAG. (-: It’s…genius! Thanks for your comments, I totally feel the same way.
Sorry – I made it all about me. What I wanted to say was, I’m sorry you had to move into such a hostile environment at such a vulnerable time.
You’re fine, I loved your comment! And this one too. Yes it was pretty shocking and although I really didn’t want to go at the time I’ve gotten used to it over time and it may have turned out to be just the right thing, unbelievably! (-: Thanks Allison.
At first I didn’t really notice what Senor Chang said that offended you, it almost seemed like he was being helpful. But then I thought, why did he even notice? Reading again it did sound like Chang was hoping to convince you to breastfeed out of sight. A little passive-aggressive he is.
I don’t think Canada has any problem with this, and my wife has fed kids in several cities and provinces. She often put her shirt over the baby’s head, but that’s more for the same reason that women’s bikinis or even men’s swimwear cover certain regions. But, sometimes not even. Just boob poking out and child feasting. I have to say that after four kids and my wife nursing anywhere it is more conspicuous to me to see a woman in the middle of a conversation excuse herself or go through lengths to hide for feeding the child.
Those pictures of breastfeeding curtains are way overkill!
It’s just so nice to hear from a dad who is supportive of his nursing wife like that. That’s the better side of the supportive culture that’s out there, quietly supporting their partners, friends, patrons, just nursing moms in general. Thanks
Since you mentioned the “power of women” what do you think of this story by the author of a women’s self-help book called “Be That Girl”?
http://bethatgirlnow.com/daily-inspirations-3/
Alex I’ll go check it out and get back to you. (-:
Alex – I read the story and loved it – it was riveting. I don’t think she was being sexist at all nor were the two good Samaritans who came to help her. If I were in her shoes I would have felt the exact same way.
I’ll have to read it again. Summarized how I read it, it was:
I was driving along, wishing for success, when my sunroof broke. I didn’t know whether to drive or pull over, so I called my husband, who told me that pulling over was the right answer. Then I started to cry in my car. Two guys noticed me. Those two guys taught me about tape, and we (they) taped over the hole. My sunroof will cost a fortune to fix. That’s my story about good luck, wishing for success and girl power.
I thought she was leaving women short changed. Maybe it’s just a coincidence that she is in the women’s advice business and her story involves a helpless woman relying on (coincidentally) men to solve very basic problems. In my opinion, the story should have been “My sunroof broke so I checked it out and then drove to a gas station to get some tape and cardboard.” I know that many men or women would struggle in that situation, but it seems out of place as an inspiration for empowered women. Maybe the story is more about feelings, which us men are immune to
Hey, that’s Malaysia you just described!!
Even at the hospital, there are nursing rooms. God forbid you whip them out in the waiting room. Granted, this is a Muslim country (though moderate, not like the Middle East), but still.
Sorry you had to deal with this back then.
Nursing rooms at the hospital, now that beats all! (-:
#Breastfeeding on the East Coast Sucks (Pardon the Pun…) http://t.co/SXZnLauo via @sharethis
Those tent-like devices are bizarre — and so unnecessary.
@OBfExperiences @Lonely_Scribe http://t.co/OWLeLVme
Great post – I think it’s a mixed bag in London, some areas completely acceptable others less so. Although such a baby boom at the moment that more and more normal to see women breastfeeding in public.
Would absolutely love for you to link up the post at the Baby Shower, a linky party for all things baby – we have a special focus on breastfeeding this week, Alice @ Mums Make Lists x
http://mumsmakelists.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/the-friday-baby-shower-5.html
Thanks Alice I will try! Crazy busy and forgetful this week but I will try to remember!! (-: