A lot has been going on with my sister’s grueling unending court battle with her sociopathic ex-husband – so much that I have barely been able to keep up with it, let alone write about it. Many of you have asked what’s going on with her so here is the latest update. They had their settlement hearing about a month ago – the one where he was suing her for full custody and to take the child support payments away (she is bankrupt, has lost her job as a graphic designer due to PTSD, and her unemployment has run out). The judge kept everything the same in the hearing – 50/50 custody, continued child support payments. He only made one change – he ordered her ex to take their youngest child (who he is keeping from her to continue to strengthen the PAS) to the psychiatric appointments that had been court-ordered. It was a real “defeat” for her ex, and I’m sure it only made him angrier.
But what a relief it was for her! Although she technically has 50/50 custody, the two younger sons are still living with their father and she has had no access to them (not even on Christmas) – at least on paper, she’s still their mother. Poor thing had to scramble to hire an attorney at the last minute to represent her at that hearing because she doesn’t have the $450/hour to pay an ongoing team of cut-throat lawyers like her ex-husband does (he earns $29k/month – just to give you an idea of the income disparity going on here). He has money to burn – and then some; she has nothing, now.
Two hours after they signed the settlement papers, my sister’s attorney got a call from her ex’s shark-like attorney who said he had changed his mind. They didn’t want to settle (= another big blow to my sister = more $ that she doesn’t have to pay the lawyer yet again). Over the past 10 years (they were divorced 10 years ago, would you believe? This has been going on for ten years – he has hauled her into court so many times and it has cost her so much money that it – well, it is just beyond abusive).
Fast-forward through a bunch of stuff – the judge set a trial date. I don’t know much about family court but apparently a trial is a very different thing than a hearing. This was a two-day trial, serious stuff, with witnesses, in which her ex and his team of highly-skilled, highly-paid attorneys were suing my sister for full custody of two of her three sons yet again, and to take away the child support payments and a few other things but I forget what they are.
His attorney called my sister’s attorney and asked for a continuance (of a couple of months). He said he needed a continuance because he was going to be out of town on another case and couldn’t be there – so her lawyer agreed.
Keep in mind that my sister can’t afford an attorney full-time (who can afford $450 an hour??) so sometimes she represents herself, and sometimes she hires the attorney on and off, on an as-needed basis, to save on costs. Anyway, once they were told about the continuance, my sister breathed a sigh of relief because although it delayed things, it meant she had time to do more footwork and prepare, and her attorney went off to work on other cases, thinking they had a couple of months.
The night before the original trial date was set, her attorney got a call from his attorney who said the trial was “on” for the next day after all (he had not filed the continuance, as he had told her, and I’m assuming my sister’s attorney hadn’t double-check with the court house about the continuance either). Talk about corrupt. They had no choice but to appear in court the next day, completely unprepared and blindsided. My sister brought her oldest son along (he is now 20, living with her after being alienated by his father and brothers, he is the only child who is stable, thriving, and under her care he is even attending college!). She said when they entered the courtroom it was “packed with evil” (her words). She had never seen so many people dressed in cut-throat suits, and every woman lawyer was dripping with ostentation and jewels, which totally revolted her and made such a statement (“it’s all about money”). If anyone can describe a setting, it is a member of our family, and she is no exception. She said:
“As soon as I entered the courtroom I had the strangest feeling I was in a coven, a la Rosemary’s Baby. A female attorney dressed to the nines with five-inch heels, the kind with heels in the front of the shoe and a pin-prick heel on the back, like cloven hooves, actually looked down at my shoes. She did this in such a way that made me look down at my shoes, too. I know they’re ten years old, and they’re not Jimmy Choo’s, but I didn’t know that somehow in my rush to get to the courthouse the flap was sticking out from the heel. Boy did I feel like a heel.”
“A single image kept popping into my mind in that courtroom – an image of huge, salivating, silvery black Great Danes with big kahunas and claws, their slithery tails slithering. Devil dogs.”
Her ex-husband’s lawyer.
(Very descriptive, like I said…)
Her ex stood with his middle son (the one who has the worst PAS and has been alienated from her by his father) and four witnesses (for what?!) – in the courtroom. My sister was sitting with her oldest son, and they were clutching hands tightly. He had tried to go up to his father outside the courtroom when he saw him but he refused to acknowledge him. So instead he sidled up to his younger brother, and just put his arm around him. He hasn’t seen his younger brother in forever, but the younger brother has been forced to pick sides by his father. The brother said one word to him: “What?” so he went away again.
My sister’s lawyer asked the judge for a continuance and explained that she had been told by the opposing attorney that he’d requested a continuance for this trial, and didn’t inform her that there wasn’t any continuance until nine p.m. the night before.
Her ex’s main attorney wasn’t there so his lead attorney told the court a blatant lie: that this was false, no one had requested any continuance, it was just another attempt by her attorney to delay things.
When her attorney heard the lies the opposing attorney was telling the court (I’ve said this before, but the opposing attorney is a big-shot attorney, rather infamous and full of himself), she said to the judge: “I have a voice mail from the attorney. Would you like me to play it?” The judge said yes. The whole courtroom was aghast as my sister’s fantastic attorney then stood posed like the Statue of Liberty, with her hand up high in the air holding up her iPhone so everybody could hear it, playing back a clear message from the attorney asking for a continuance because he would be out of town.
After that, although the other attorney continued to argue that the trial should proceed as scheduled, a move that would’ve decimated my sister’s case, the judge said one sentence:
“I find that voice mail disturbing. Continuance granted.”
And that whole thing, which lasted all of 15 minutes, cost her $1200.
PTSD After Divorce, by Lisa Arends for Huffington Post
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I cannot even imagine. My mother-in-law is a divorce attorney and one hell of an amazing lawyer. Where does your sister live?
It can be an absolute mess, sometimes, and I’m so sorry that your sister is going through this. It can be absolutely torturous. And to be kept from one’s children?!
She’s in Northern California, where is your MIL? Her current “sporadic” attorney seems really on the ball – expensive, but on-the-ball. He keeps her from the kids by paternal pressure, mostly – but her youngest (who just turned 15) did call her and tell her he wanted to come home and she told him she’d come get him and got in the car and drove there and by the time she got to her ex’s house no one would answer the door even though she could hear people inside. (This happens all the time. So often that she’s stopped getting the sheriff to drive over and knock on the door because it only embarrasses her and traumatizes her sons). Her ex had taken away his youngest son’s cell phone, and that was that. Seems there is nothing she can do. I have fantasies of knocking on his door myself.
Virginia! Unfortunately! I hope her new lawyer can get the job done!
Thanks Katie. I will keep you posted. (-:
Oh Ado, I am so sorry that this is still going on for your sister and her boys. Still though, “disturbing” is a very good word to have heard from the judge, and is another tiny incremental victory for your sister’s side. These cases can be so much about momentum and each grain of sand on your sister’s side of the scales can lead to the next. Please keep us posted and let me know if there is anything I can do to help, as improbably as that sounds.
Thanks so much Maria – will do.
One inch at a time. I know they are expensive inches, but it is only money and you can’t take that with you. Karma sure is a bitch one she gets started too. Like I said – one (very expensive) inch at a time. Gotta love iPhones and voicemail. Lying bastard!
Thanks Tonja – I’m more used to the saying from Alanon, “one day at a time” – but you’re so right, in her case it’s definitely “one inch.”
Woo hoo! Smart attorney to save the voice mail. You sister will come out on top of this. It may not be tomorrow but she will win. I hope the other boys see the light like their older brother did. A sad, scary situation. Thanks for writing posts about this. I look forward to her vindication.
Have you considered putting a button here to collect for your sister’s legal costs? I know I would contribute.
You are so sweet, Allison. (-: I haven’t considered it – but a very sweet, sweet thought. (-: Thank you for thinking it.
I would contribute, too.
Thank you, Lisha. (-:
It makes me so mad, knowing that people are just out to screw with your sister. This must be so emotionally draining. So yay for minor triumphs!
I agree with Allison above – consider a Donate button (PayPal has one which you can customize) for your sister’s legal battle. So many people want to help, this is a great way!
Hmm – I’ll think about it. Thank you my friend.
Continuance Granted – an update on my sister’s horrendous #custody battle – http://t.co/EQRnfQUx
So awesome – and your sister and I are living parallel lives – no joke! Even down to being in NorCal! I wish her the best and don’t give up, everything comes out into the light.
Thanks Katherine. (-:
Oh that’s horrible. But the attorney ?So wonderful. Prepared. Documentation. My God. DOCUMENTATION. Thank GOD he got lucky enough to document that.
And – the “he” was a “she!” (-:
Also, I don’t know how comfortable your sister would be with this, or what the logistics would be, but if you were to add a donate button to your blog I would sure as hell give money to try to help her save her children. I don’t have much, but an online community can make a difference collectively.
Thank you!! So very much. I am looking into that. Not sure yet.!
I was scrolling through these comments thinking about “kickstarter,” that website that people use to get funding for their movies or whatever, and what would happen if your sister had a kickstarter account…and then saw the button idea. I think that lots of people would love to contribute both out of a sense of helping battle a hideous injustice for your sister and out of a sense that her story is probably, sadly, not unique: we all know too many women and children who have been torn apart by “the system” and it would be nice to fight back against that system, even if only a little bit. I know I would contribute, certainly. Hmm…and I have friends in NoCal, Stinson-ish…hmmm….
You are very kind. I’m going to have to think about that fund-raising thing, I’m not comfortable with it for some reason so I have to think about it a while longer. Thank you though…! (-: More on this soon…!
Prayers Prayers prayers that Karma will be the biggest bitch to him and his legal team AND most importantly she and her sons will eventually heal.
Thanks Kate (-: