Two days ago, I “crossed a Mommy line.”
I had ended the day shouting at my kids (again) because no one had done anything they were supposed to do when they were supposed to do it, and I was sick of nagging, and we’d had a five-car emotional pileup of all our “supposed to do’s” at the end of the day.
I was so mad at everybody, and so mad at myself for shouting (again) that I decided I needed to do something drastic, something I hadn’t done before: I wrote down the “New House Rules” and put them on the wall where the kids could see them every morning when they come downstairs.
I wrote the rules down so they could remember the things they need to do for themselves, so I don’t have to remind them 1000 times, nag them 1000 times, and blow my stack at the end of the day.
The first rule is the big one about screen time. As you may know, about two years ago we got rid of our television cable. It took me about a year to get the courage to actually do it, but I did it because I didn’t like the influence that television for “older kids” was having on my kids, and now that they were no longer tots, I didn’t have so much control over the remote. I didn’t like having companies advertise directly to my children, making them want things that they didn’t even know they wanted. I didn’t like the flashes of sex or commercials they would accidentally see, the ads for “adult medications,” news bytes about “how fat a celebrity is or isn’t”. I didn’t like the fear-mongering on the newscasts, or the undercurrent of misogyny on many programs. I hated all of it, and I had this sick, gnawing feeling that something needed to change – for over a year – before I finally pulled the plug.
When I finally did pull the plug, my husband and I felt such relief, as parents. It felt like we now had some ability to filter out 80% of the crap that was filling their minds. I hadn’t taken everything away – we found Netflix, so they can watch children’s programs and “mindless” stuff like Thundercats or Scooby Doo online, when they needed some downtime. We can watch commercial-free family movies together when we want to.
Fast-forward two years later to today, one of them has an iPod, the other has an iPhone and a MacBook.
I’m having that same gnawing feeling of “uh-oh, this is getting out of control” that I had with TV. I’m not into them playing video games in general, but they’ve downloaded apps so they can play them when we’re waiting in lines, or for doctor’s appointments, or whatever, and the apps have bred and had babies. They’re everywhere, and so is access to Netflix. Somehow the apps and the Netflix shows have crept into our daily lives to an extent that I am extremely uncomfortable with. (I do wonder sometimes: am I secretly Amish??)
When they got the techy gizmos, I didn’t lay down any rules, exactly, because this was new territory for me. So I know that I set myself up for this – and now I need to be the “heavy.” For the last couple of months, since they got all these electronic things, I’ve noticed that they don’t hear me as easily as they used to (why? Because they are staring at a screen, or whining about wanting their iPod.). I’ve noticed it’s more of an uphill battle for me to get us to do the things that are important to us – our daily reading time, practicing music, learning time – because people are whining about getting their paws on these electronics.
It’s basically back to where we were before I pulled the plug on the TV.
How on Earth did that happen?
Sometimes I agree with the Amish: electricity is a kind of evil. I know that’s extreme, but really – they do have a point. They believe that it separates you from your herd. It may connect me as a blogger, or as a mom, when my kids are at school and I am online – but when the family is home – not. Ella, our youngest, is the only one who seems to totally get this concept. One day we were all sitting in the same room and we were all on our various computers – together, but not – and she said: “How can any of us listen to each other if we’re all on computers? Are any of us really even here?”
Oh, no!
A mom is (often) the heartbeat of the family, the one who is in the driver’s seat for the family’s well-being, the one who has to navigate the big U-turns when things need to change. So I took a deep breath and decided to (once again) change things.
My number 1 rule: electronics may not be used solely for dumbing down your mind with endless Spongebob episodes, or Horseland. Screens need to be used in moderation, and mostly for learning. No one can use electronics until after they have completed their violin practice, piano practice, and their reading time. Then when they do use electronics, they can be used for “fun” learning – Khan Academy, Spelling City, BBC Dance Pad Typing, Jumpstart Math, and so on.
One of the things I wrote down was that if anyone chooses to break this rule, they will not be allowed to use electronics the following day. They understood the gravity of the consequence immediately – it was as if instantly, I had taken myself out of the role of the Nag. After reading it, they both rushed off to complete their chores - without being asked!
It’s been just two days and the difference in our household is amazing. People have been oddly motivated to do their music practice, and to reach for those books. And yesterday by the time we finally did get around to some time for electronics, we found we were having so much fun reading that we just kept right on…reading.
Score one for the mom!
And I know it’s only been two days but so far I have cut my nag-time by 85%! So yay! Will it last? Hope so!
The rules are their guide; the consequences are their reminders. Mama Nag can just step aside and make room for Nice Mom.
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To be honest I am really scared of that stage of the little ones – so far we haven’t been having any problems (age 5 and 7). But they see us on computers so often and it can turn into a huge deal…what can I do? I don’t know, I have to use computer to work, of course I could write down my translations on a regular sheet of paper but then I need more (and I mean more more more) time. Seems silly. The rules you have provided are great; not too many of them and each of them has a logic consequences. I guess that’s why they have caught them up so easily!
Alexandra, I found that around age 9 for our older one there was a real change in TV shows etc. I’m all over PBS Kids and educational television etc., but the tween stuff and the ads, along with that loss of control of the remote – really panicked me. Just a head’s up for you. (-:
I try to use my computer mostly when the kids are at school but there are times when I am using it and they are around.
Congratulations (just as I congratulated your on getting rid of TV
. TV and stupid games are POISON, to kids and to parents both. Our kids don’t even use computers most days at all because we spend time as a family. Just like you say, reading together, playing board games together, going outside together, makes the mindless computer games seem pretty boring. You are wise lady!
About a year and a half ago I wrote a piece about how we “turned” our kids into gifted geniuses, and step one is to get rid of the TV (http://www.perfectingparenthood.com/content/train-your-child-be-gifted-genius-4-easy-steps). We also do use the computer, but not for consuming media or video games, for creating. I put up some tutorials geared for parents/kid about using free software to create 3D models/scenes for the artistically inclined, and my kids and I love to make family movies that we edit together.
Anyway, you are a good example to your friends and readers. I wish more people were just like you.
Thank you Alex. (-: I agree that it’s all mostly crap. But you are right there is so, so much to create with computers. I’ve been very into Khan Academy lately (have you heard of it?) and I love their “beginner coding class” where kids can learn to code a snowman or a smiley face and so on. I do think that’s important, really important, for kids to know (coding) – it’s the language of the future. But as for the trend of video games – yuck. That police found thousands of dollars of violent video games in that Newtown teenager’s basement. He was probably sitting there for hours and days at a time watching that stuff – of course it influenced him. I’m rambling now.
The other thing that is interesting is how “shocking” most people find the fact that we don’t watch TV. That in itself is kind of shocking.
I have heard of Khan academy, and I did check it out probably over a year ago maybe even two. It seemed to be full of video lessons at the time and they were just getting started on some interactive stuff. I’ll check it out again to see if they have upgraded the interaction. I just get my kids to watch tutorials on youtube for the topic they’re researching, but maybe Khan is better structured now for lessons. Bill Gates was calling it the cat’s meow so it must be pretty good. I’ll revisit.
I could suggest Coursera to you. Your oldest child might like some of the courses. Many are university/college level, but I’m sure some of them would be good. There are some music related ones about composing. You might even be tempted to take some yourself. They are fully interactive with video lessons, tests, assignments, and virtual peer groups.
Thanks so much I will check out Coursera. (-:
Oh, and why is mom the one to notice this stuff? Where is daddy in regards to noticing stunned kids — especially when even the children notice they’ve been stunned by media …
Alex you know as I was writing the word mom I thought, “I should use the word parent” – I should’ve said that in “our house” it’s the mom (me) – in some other houses maybe it’s the dad, like yours? (-:
That is awesome!!
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